


Live Wire

by TaylorCee591



Series: Perfect Lover [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: ABO, Alpha Castiel, Alpha Castiel/Omega Dean Winchester, Alpha Charlie, Alpha Garth, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alpha/Omega, Beta Sam, Idk maybe just me, M/M, More about the pair's past, Omega Dean, a lot more emotion in this one I think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-07
Updated: 2017-06-09
Packaged: 2018-10-28 23:04:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 53,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10841310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaylorCee591/pseuds/TaylorCee591
Summary: Dean's heat has come around again. But does he have it in him to take a chance and ask Cas for help again? And if so, how would it impact them both; can Dean fight the need he has to burn every bridge he crosses or will Cas fly too close to the sun? One thing is for sure, they'll never find out if they don't try.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm late with this chapter I realise however I could not, for the life of me, find the right title for this part. It was starting to look hopeless but I got there. At 3AM. And then had to edit the first chapter, so if it's not well done I apologise but I was exhausted! Hopefully you'll enjoy either way!

Dean had been standing in his office, which he had converted from the second bedroom of his apartment. The walls had been covered in cork board; the left side of the room had a desk with a laptop sat askew and half closed on it; the wall opposite the door had a map of the United States of America as well as Southern America and the Islands depicted on it; on it’s right side was enough space to place another one or two of them but it was empty; the wall to the right had nothing on it except three small pieces of paper just above eye level that read ‘bounty’, ‘background & details’ and ‘leads’; and the wall with the room’s door was empty except three pieces of paper displayed in one vertical line that detailed agency contact details, such as FBI, CIA, NCIS and more. All over the cork board and map were pin holes that no longer had pins in them.

Dean sighed as he looked around. Although it wasn’t an exact science his doctor had estimated that this was going to be the week that he would begin his second heat and so he’d wrapped up a case with Sam the day before and stripped his office of the case information; it was all ready to pick up a new case when he was finished his heat. He’d suspected that Sam had picked a case that wouldn’t be too easy but that they would still wrap up in time, he knew that Dean wouldn’t be satisfied about going on heat-leave unless he’d captured some poor sonofabitch and closed a case. He should be pissed that he’d been spoon-fed a case but he wasn’t, it didn’t feel like that, not coming from Sam. He’d given Dean what he'd needed so he could take care of himself for the next week without frustration or annoyance. It’s not like Dean would chance going out during his heat if he could help it, certainly not on a hunt, but he’d known that Sam was worried he’d do it anyway, so of course his little brother would try to take away the one possible reason he might try it. How could Dean be pissed about that? Okay, he was a little pissed, this whole process pissed him off but that wasn’t Sam’s fault. Every time he thought about it he almost convinced himself to take the tablets again but then he just couldn’t. He didn’t know why but there was a part of him that felt clearer this way, as if his mind wasn’t as clouded with fear and anger.

Around the rest of the room were two filing cabinets for quick reference on things such as old gangs, prison tattoos, known weapons and drug dealers as well as fences and black market dealers. There were also general files such as businesses that paid cash in hand and didn’t ask questions, hostel locations and an updated sex offender’s register, available on public record, for any town they’ve previously hunted for sex offenders in. They added more as they discovered them on the job and kept older ones which Dean cross referenced to keep a list of ex-registered.

Dean turned around, his right hand on the door as he reached his left to the light switch and he stopped, his head hung and his knees bending, when he groaned and closed his eyes. He felt it slowly running down his leg so he limped to the bathroom and just managed to pull his jogging pants down without much rush. He had never seen the point in having a box of tissues in his bathroom before but he’d bought some after realizing he didn’t always have time to tear off some toilet paper. He took a couple of tissues and wiped his inner thigh. He threw them in the toilet bowl and considered that some wet wipes would be a good idea too.

 

He sat on the toilet for a minute as it kept coming, however slowly, and thought about how much less than last time it was. He wondered if this was closer to what his heats were naturally like. He asked himself if, after he’d gotten over his first one, would the others be less intense? He hoped so.

He rubbed his hands together and thought of Cas, he hadn’t seen or heard from him since he’d left. Not that he thought he would, but he’d hoped. Instead, he’d found himself feeling disappointed and worthless, which of course had made him angry. It was that disappointment that had prevented him from getting in touch with Cas himself and the anger had been what he’d put into his work. Dean had joined Charlie, Kevin and Sam for a few hunts before Kevin had gone on heat-leave and they’d carried on without him.

Now it was Dean’s turn again, he knew Charlie would go off soon to help her omega and it’d just be Sam and Kevin, if Kevin wasn’t on his own hunt by now. He worried about Sam, he couldn’t help it, even though he knew he was a good hunter and he could handle himself. It was usually just Dean and Sam who hunted together but they were joined by other hunters on occasion, as a lot of the others were. They’d teamed up with a lot of the hunters that came through the bunker, most of them had worked with everyone else at some point. Sometimes new cases unearthed new hunters in different states and towns, most of them were amicable and just trying to make a living, but there were some to avoid.

Dean thought about the most infamous group: the Knights of Hell. They were a group of hunters who got their bounty in any way possible, they didn’t work with local bounty hunters or cops, they came through and took down anything in their path. They were known to deliver their bounties with broken bones and missing teeth they'd had before they were tracked down. They got away with it because once they started on a bounty they didn’t stop until it was brought in.

It didn’t surprise Dean when he first learned that they were all alphas and now it plain scared him. He never wanted to be on a hunt and suddenly go into heat, that’s why he’d taken the day before it off and why he’d stay in his flat for at least a day after his heat, just to give it time to flush from his system. Dean knew that Sam saw the emergency heat suppressors in his kit bag but what else could he do, he needed to have that assurance.

 

That night Dean laid in his bed and tried to ignore it, he'd tried masturbating and he’d even looked up alpha substitutes on the internet. Sam might think he knew nothing about computers but he knew how to google something. That being said, he wasn’t quite prepared for the sheer amounts of porn and adverts that came up. He’d eventually given up and closed the tab, wondering what kind of life he’d accidentally found himself living.

He faded in and out of sleep all night. His sheets were wet with sweat and clear liquid, his hair was stuck to his head and his skin chafed together while his dreams showed him memories from his last heat and situations he was so afraid of.

He didn’t know what was turning him on and what was terrifying him from one minute to the next. All he knew was that sometimes he could smell honey and fresh water and others he could smell a dumpster in an alley or the clinical aroma of a prison visitors room.

Good memories mixing with bad until he was terrified to close his eyes, not just because he might see him again but because he was afraid of tainting his memories of Cas with his memories of  _him_.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean is not doing well but what will he do about it?

The second day was not any better.

To begin with he'd gotten into the shower and couldn’t bring himself to get out for a while as his own liquid took its time to travel down his inner thighs but didn’t seem to stop either.

Eventually he felt hungry so he'd dried as best as he could and walked to the kitchen. He began to make himself a sandwich, pulling his towel between his legs and closing them to hold it there so that it would at least catch some of it. He dropped the knife he was using to spread peanut butter on his bread on the counter and slammed his hands there as he hung his head and groaned, pushing his hips back. The towel fell from its grip between his thighs and he grunted in frustration when immediately the thoughts in his head returned to Cas. He wanted nothing more than for Cas to somehow just know what he was thinking and get over to his apartment, but that wasn’t going to happen.

He couldn’t think properly and he decided it had to be the apartment; it still smelled of Cas and when it didn’t he wished it did. He dragged himself to his bedroom and put clothes on, grabbing his car keys and heading to his door. He stopped and opened a box on the shelf by the front door. He took out his gun and his new license to carry for it and tucked the piece in the back of his jeans. He had a gun and license for work but a part of him wanted to keep this separate from that life. He tucked his license into his jacket pocket quickly with his hands shaking.

He opened the door and stuck his head out, listening for noise. When he heard nothing he stepped out, locked it and cautiously made his way down the stairwell to where his car was parked outside. He looked around like a man on the run as he unlocked it, got in and locked the doors again. He sighed as he closed his eyes and then leaned forward to turn the engine over. He paused to push the license further into his pocket.

He drove around for what felt like days but was in fact mere hours. He’d taken his cell phone out and looked at it a few times but then threw it to the passenger seat. He could feel the gun digging into his back against the seat but it was reassuring to him. The liquid in his underwear was making him feel disgusting but he’d refused to buy the underwear Kevin had managed to casually slip into conversation one day in the bunker. Thankfully he’d waited until it was just the two of them but Dean still refused to wear them no matter how much Kevin protested that they weren’t incontinence underpants, they were made specifically to catch the liquid produced by an omega in heat. Dean decided they were adult diapers rebranded and no one was going to convince him otherwise. He had to give in and wear them during his 'period' but what other choice did he have there? Although he had to admit that, at that moment, they would have come in handy.

“Okay, no,” Dean said to himself and picked up his cellphone, searching through it. “I’d rather embarrass myself,” he said as he pressed call and put his cell to his ear, “than wear a diaper.”

Cas was rubbing his face tiredly, looking over a proposal, when his cellphone rang. He sluggishly picked it up and then jolted to sitting up right when he read the called ID. He rushed to answer it.

"Dean?" Cas said.

 _"Cas, I'm sorry,"_ Dean said on the other end.

"What's wrong?"

 _"I can't- I thought I could stand it but I can't. Please, help me."_ Dean winced as he said it, feeling like he was begging all over again.

"Dean, what's going on, what can't you stand?"

 _"I'm- I’m in heat-"_ Cas swallowed. _"I wasn't sure if you'd want to talk to me but I- shit, I need you so bad, Cas."_

Cas heard a car horn in the earpiece and paused. "Where are you?"

 _"I've been driving around, tryna distract myself."_ The horn sounded again and when Dean spoke his voice was distant, as if he’d moved the cell to talk to someone else. _“Alright, calm down, I see it, I’m going, jackass.”_

"I'm at home, come and get me, I'll drive us back to yours. Do you remember where I live?" Cas said, it came out systematic but his legs were shaking and his heart was beating out of his chest. He'd missed Dean so much and if he'd been able to hide it from himself he was lowering the mask now.

 _"Yeah,"_ Dean said. _"Thanks, Cas."_

They hung up.

Cas threw some things in a bag; toiletries, clothes, underwear, his phone charger and some other things. He walked around his house unplugging things and as he reached the kitchen area he used his cell to dial his assistant and put it to his ear while he began emptying the fridge of things that would go off in a week listening to the phone ring on the line.

 _“Mr Novak, sir, is anything wrong?”_ Cas’ assistant asked on the other end of the phone.

Cas glanced to the clock above his fridge; it was late. “Becky, I’m so sorry to call you outside of work hours like this but I needed your advice.”

There was a short pause. “ _My_ _advice, sir?_ ”

“Yes,” Cas said and checked the milk, shaking the carton and finding it half full before he moved to the sink to pour it out. “You know the company’s policies better than anyone. If I needed to take leave suddenly, with immediate effect, how would I go about doing that?”

_“Immediate leave, sir? I hope you are well?”_

Cas pursed his lips together, tempted to lie and but then he shook his head. “Yes, I’m fine. It’s-” He sighed. “Becky, what I tell you can’t go further, it has to stay between us.”

 _“Absolutely, sir,”_ she replied.

“I mean it, Becky, I can’t employ you if I can’t trust you,” Cas said as he recycled the milk carton and did another sweep of the fridge.

 _“I can assure you, sir, that it’ll stay between us,”_ she said.

Cas nodded as he closed the fridge and leaned on it. “I’ve began a relationship of sorts with an omega who has just gone into heat unexpectedly.”

_“Oh, well, in that case, sir, all you have to do is file for emergency heat leave in the morning, first thing. It is filed by the medical department and appears on the records as medical leave, it remains confidential. Only the medical team know what it is and that is only for instances such as if any of the managerial staff and above want to do an investigation, such as in cases of poor attendance or review. I can file it for you or you can do it yourself.”_

“That’s all?” Cas asked.

 _“Yes, sir,”_ Becky said. _“However, the medical team flag up any cases of emergency heat leave more than two weeks for every three month period. For performance purposes.”_

“That’s Balthazar in trouble then,” Cas muttered sarcastically and he smiled when he heard Becky laugh on the other side. “Forgive me, I shouldn’t have said that.”

 _“Said what?”_ Becky said.

Cas smiled wider. “Thank you, Becky.”

_“Would you like me to file it, sir?”_

“Yes, please, Becky.”

_“Of course, sir. If anything changes just let me know. I’ll forward you the confirmation email when I get it. And I will contact you by email with anything that requires your attention.”_

“Thank you,” Cas said. "I'll see you again in a week." After a confirmation from Becky he hung up.

 

Half an hour later Cas was sat on the porch with a bag and watched a dark car pull up at the sidewalk but stop without pulling into the drive. Cas lifted his head and saw Dean get out of the car so he stood and walked over. 

Dean certainly looked ill: he was sweating and his mouth hung open as he breathed through it rather than his nose, he even leaned against the side of his car as he came to a stop. Cas could smell him, it hung around Dean like an aura - gasoline and melted cheese. Cas put his hand out, to feel Dean's forehead but Dean pulled back with his hand out.

"Don't touch me," he said in a hurry and then exhaled as Cas paused "Yet. I couldn't take the drive."

Cas lowered his hand and watched Dean walk around the car, leaning on it to do so. He went to the driver's side and climbed in, looking across as Dean got in too. He threw his bag in the back, being careful not to touch Dean.

They didn't touch nor did they talk, Cas just pulled the car out and Dean leaned forward, leaning his head in his hands, trying to squash his nose and not smell Cas. He was like chocolate and sweat. Cas glanced to him, not noticing the bulge in the back of his jacket.

Eventually Cas said, "You’re clearly a few days in. Why didn't you call me sooner?"

Dean winced, his voice was like a stroke on his dick. He didn't want him to talk but he never wanted him to stop. He wanted to hear him moan in Dean's ear, feel his chest heave with his, wanted the feeling of Cas inside him while he could smell how riled he was in the waves and lightening that would come from him.

"Dean?"

"I- I wasn't sure you'd want to see me again."

Cas' brow dipped. "Why wouldn't I, Dean?"

Dean bared his teeth to stop himself from groaning with the sound of his name. "I don't know, I didn't know if this was the set up, we- we didn't say."

"I said I would get you through your heat," Cas said.

"Yeah, singular," Dean said. "God!" he shouted, feeling the engine rumbled underneath him, teasing him.

"Dean?" Cas said.

Dean felt like he could feel each letter, each rumble of Cas' throat against his skin, against his hole, and more liquid spilled between his legs.

"I can't do it," Dean said. "Pull over."

"What?" Cas said.

"Pull in, pull the _damn_ car over," Dean said, clearly in distress, just as Cas belatedly smelled what had happened.

Cas looked ahead and pulled off the road, it was dark except the moonlight and Dean's was the only car on the road.

“I'm not gonna make it," Dean said as he rushed to take his jacket off. "I need you right now."

“Wait, what?" Cas said, watching Dean throw his jacket in the back and lift his hips to undo his jeans.

"I feel like I'm gonna implode, Cas. I can't breathe through your smell and you know what your voice does to me. Please, fuck me right now." He leaned forward, pulling his left boot off and then his pants leg.

There was a clatter on the seat behind him and Cas looked to see a gun land on the leather. Dean brushed it to the side, it fell onto the floor of the car.

Cas looked over him before he briefly considered how much Dean had already been affecting him and admitted to himself that Dean must be feeling a hundred times worse. He could smell him so much more strongly now that he had his pants off. It was almost unbearable, Cas felt like he might come from the smell alone. He slid along the seat, away from the pedals and steering wheel and started to undo his own pants just as Dean was pulling at his underwear, all on the left side.

When he lifted up, Cas slid more, underneath him and then used his hands on Dean's hips to guide him back down. Dean moaned as he slid down onto Cas' cock and leaned his back against Cas' chest.

"Fuck, that feels good," he said with a few breaths. 

Cas could feel Dean already leaking over his testicles and around his crotch. "Move," Cas said.

Dean exhaled a laugh. "You're gonna have to help me with that, I haven't slept much in two days, too busy humping my pillow."

He felt Cas hands run down his thighs and lift him up, moving him up and down on his cock.

"Aw, fuck," Dean said with an exhale.

Within a few seconds Dean had proved himself wrong and was moving with Cas' hands which he'd moved to Dean's hips. Dean felt Cas kiss his neck and press his tongue on the skin there. He could taste coffee and metal. Cas could feel his knot quickly starting to form but Dean was pushing down hard with his whole body weight.

"Dean, lift up," Cas said, trying to guide his hips that way. Dean didn't answer or stop. "Dean," Cas said. "Dean, you'll be caught on my-" He grunted as he lifted Dean off of his knot at the last minute.

"Cas, no-" Dean said and stopped as he felt Cas come, heard him moan against Dean's neck and he exhaled annoyed. "You kept it from me."

"We're in your car," Cas said, his voice slightly harsh. Dean felt him lift Dean's hips and Dean lifted off, looking to Cas as he slid along, from under Dean, and started doing his trousers up.

Dean pulled his own underwear and pants back on properly and sat down, watching Cas pull the car out while he pulled his boot back on. He didn't look at Dean for the rest of the journey. Dean stared at the gun on the floor feeling like he'd been told off but being too relieved to be able to care at that moment.

 

They got out of the car and walked up the stairwell, Cas looking around them, his shoulders tense as if he expected an attack. He watched the gun bulge in the back of Dean’s jeans as he walked up the stairs. Dean looked to him a few times as they walked but Cas never looked at him. They got to the apartment and went inside, Dean’s half-sandwich still on the counter.

Dean felt so much relief but it was marred by the niggling idea he had that Cas was angry. But he could already feel it building up in him again and it wasn't helped by the way Cas seemed to be denying him interaction, he needed something. So as Cas stepped in he closed the door, he put the gun in the box and closed it without putting the license in with it. He was in too much of a hurry. He turned to face Cas, put his right hand on Cas face and leaned to kiss him.

Cas could have stepped out of Dean’s grasp or even pushed him away but instead he did what all alphas do when they’re flat-out rejecting an omega: he stood his ground and turned his face. Dean stopped in mild shock and embarrassment.

"I'm going to go," Cas said.

"Wait, what?" Dean said, his hand falling.

Cas didn’t turn his head back to Dean. "I don't think it's wise that I stay," Cas said and walked to the door.

"Why?" Dean asked as he turned to look at him. "You came all the way here to leave again?" He put his right arm on the door as he threw his weight against it and looked at Cas who lowered his head and exhaled hard through his nose. He might think it would come across out of order but while Dean wasn’t going to beg him to stay he did deserve an explanation.

"Move," Cas said, trying to keep his cool.

"No," Dean said. "Explain."

Cas hung his head.

"I said explain!" Dean said.

Suddenly Cas looked up, his eyes alive with anger. "And what about what I said, Dean?" He leaned into Dean, his words like venom. "I said no, I told you to lift up, and you wouldn't listen.”

Dean's face contorted into confusion. "Wait, you're pissed because I wanted you to knot me? That's why you're leaving? That's lame, Cas."

"Is it?" Cas asked, still angry. "Dean, I asked you to do something and you didn't listen. I didn't want something and you were going to take it anyway."

Dean's face fell. "Cas, wait a minute that's different-"

"No, it's not! What if you said no and I didn't listen, deciding I wanted it so I was taking it?” He leaned in to Dean, his eyes on fire. Dean wasn't sure if it was because he was in heat or if he'd really upset Cas that much that it didn't matter that he was an alpha. Either way he suddenly felt so despicable. “Would that be okay?" Dean stared at him. "Hm?"

Dean looked down and shook his head as Cas leaned back again. "No, it wouldn't." He stepped away from the door. "You're right, go." He leaned on the back of a dining chair, his back to the cooker and Cas looking at him side-on. "I'm sorry," he said. "I know it's not an excuse-"

"You're in heat, I know," Cas said and Dean looked at him. "You haven't slept for two days because it's been driving you mad, I know. And you're right, it's not an excuse."

Dean nodded and Cas opened the door disappearing through it and pulling it closed behind him. Dean nodded again, to himself and then paused, feeling emotion bubbling in his chest and behind his eyes. He nodded again as he started to cry. This isn't how he'd wanted to remember Cas, or them together. He never should have called him and let their last goodbye be the end. He felt like everything he touched turn to ash.

Cas was on the other side of the door and realized his bag was in Dean's car. He sighed and turned around opening the door as he spoke, "I left my-"

Dean turned away from the door, lifting his right hand to wipe his eyes as he did. Sniffing and blinking it all away.

"Dean?" Cas closed the door and walked towards him as he started to clear up the food on the counter to busy himself.

"I'm fine," Dean said and shirked from Cas' hand as he reached out. "Don't touch me," he said but Cas, after a small pause, put his hands on Dean's face and made him look at him. "I said no," Dean said, letting the knife on the counter drop from his hand again.

Cas wiped his tears with his thumbs. "Now we're even," Cas said and Dean laughed, through his tears.

"What did you forget?" Dean asked, still not moving.

Cas exhaled. "You need to promise me you won't do it again," Cas said.

Dean looked at him. "Cas, honestly? I know it's not right but the way I was feeling nothing would have stopped me. So, just get what you left and get away from me."

Cas spoke again, his words sterner. " _Promise_ me... You won't do it again." He waited.

Dean swallowed and then nodded.

Cas shook his head. "Say it," Cas said.

"I- I promise you I won't do it again," Dean said.

"You'll take no for an answer?" Cas said. "It's really important to me, to what we're doing here."

"I'll take no for an answer," Dean said.

"Good," Cas said and lowered his hands. "I left my bag in your car but I'll get it later." He started taking off his jacket.

"Okay," Dean said and watched him walk to hang it up. "So, that's it?"

Cas looked at him. "You said you won't do it again, the next time you do I'll leave and I won't come back, for now I'm here." He wandered back over to Dean.

"For how long?" Dean asked.

"As long as you want," Cas said.

Dean looked over his face and then turned away, to the fridge, "Do you want a drink or anything? I don't-" He sighed. "I didn't get food in, I didn't think." He opened the fridge and wondered why it was so cold and yet not cold enough.

"We can deal with that later," Cas said.

"Later?" Dean asked, turning to look at him, the door still open.

"Yes," Cas said and stood looking at Dean. "You don't look well." He took a step towards Dean who watched him put his hand on his forehead. He closed his eyes. "Tell me what's wrong."

"I’m in heat, Cas," Dean said. "That's what's wrong."

"Are you in need?" Cas asked and Dean opened his eyes. "I'm here for you, you may as well use me when you need me."

He leaned and kissed Dean's neck, Dean baring it immediately. 

"I'm not using you," Dean said.

Cas leaned back to look at him. "You know what I meant," he said.

"Are you gonna knot me this time?" Dean asked.

Cas tilted his head. "Why?"

"Well, because doing it against the refrigerator probably wouldn't be the best place," Dean said.

"Then get on the couch," Cas said, without missing a beat.

Dean raised an eyebrow and then turned away, letting himself smirk as Cas shut the refrigerator door and followed Dean to the couch.

Both of them began to undress as they walked, Dean kicking his boots off and Cas loosening his tie and slipping his shoes off. Dean pulled his jeans off after turning to face Cas who watched him as he was taking his own pants off. Dean then took his underwear off and pulled his tshirt over his head, throwing them both to the surrounding area. Cas pulled his tie over his head as he watched Dean lie on the couch, his legs loosely crossed, right over left, and put his hands behind his head. He smiled as he watched Cas unbutton his shirt.

"What?" Cas said.

"Is this how you want me?" Dean asked and Cas watched him bite his lip. 

It was strange but this felt different to Cas, Dean had been too hot when he’d touched him and he was still sweating a little bit as he lay there, but this felt like they were just messing around, like they were in a relationship of sorts and were just having fun rather than following their instincts. He tried to shake it from his mind.

Cas pulled his underwear down and watched Dean's eyes drift. "Turn over," Cas said.

Dean smirked again before he did just that, he smiled more genuinely, the bravado gone, when he felt Cas settle behind him. He looked to his right when Cas reached down onto the low shelf of the coffee table and pulled the tissues out. He put them on the table and then began kissing Dean's neck, his right hand trailing down Dean's back and buttock. He closed his eyes, feeling relief wash over him with the scent and he admitted to himself that he’d missed that smell.

"Am I gonna need those?" Dean asked. 

"Mm-hm," Cas said against his skin. He kissed around to the back of Dean's neck.

Dean's scent was stronger and more varied than it had been three months ago. Cas could smell the familiar mix of leather, oil and whiskey however, as his lips dragged over the skin his mouth was filled with a mist of burning rubber and green and as he let his tongue drag, even for a second, he tasted salt, smoke, beef and leaves.

"I didn't think you could smell any better," Cas said. "If you never take those suppressors again it'll be a minute too soon." He growled.

"Yeah, what do I smell like?" Dean asked, his eyes closed as he focused on Cas' touch.

"Like rubber, oil, gasoline, leather-"

Dean chuckled. "Sounds like my car, your smelling my baby."

"Well, maybe that makes you _my_ baby," Cas said in Dean's ear and he groaned. "Oh, you like that?" Dean pushed back against him. "You really like that."

"Shut up. Cas, come on, you're killing me," Dean said, trying to mentally push away how much he really _did_ like that. It was his heat, it was all his heat.

"Relax, baby," Cas said, his nostrils flaring. 

Dean chuckled as a surge of arousal shot through him. It was all his heat. "Honey, you better screw me right now-"

"Honey?" Cas asked.

"You started it," Dean said, brushing off the embarrassment. "Cas, come on."

Cas bent his right leg up, making Dean do the same and then he pushed inside.

"Like that?" Cas asked, putting his right hand flat on the couch beside Dean's head and slowly rolled his hips.

"Yeah, Cas, like that," Dean said and groaned, pushing his hips back.

"Like this, baby?" Cas asked and snapped his hips, without meaning to. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

Dean chuckled. "You can call me baby if you want," Dean surprised himself by saying. "Just don't stop doing that."

"I don't want to hurt-"

"Cas, you said you were holding back, let go." Dean moved his hand up to try and take Cas'. 

Cas' hips stilled any minute movement they'd had. "Dean, I've spent years learning to keep it under control. I don't know what'd happen if I let it go, or if I can."

"Okay," Dean said, looking over his shoulder. "Okay, Cas, just move. Please. Give me somethin'."

Cas slowly started to move again, spurred on by Dean's moans, especially the way he pushed back and said his name.

"God, you feel so good," Cas said, barely able to contain himself, arching his back so he could smell Dean's hair and whisper in his ear. "Does that feel good?"

"Yeah, Cas, yeah," Dean said. "God, yeah."

Cas moved his right hand to Dean's hip, pulling him towards his own then reached underneath him and stroked his already solid dick.

"Aw fuck," Dean said and moaned.

Cas' left hand was holding himself up, but if it hadn't been he might have followed the need he had to run his fingers through Dean's hair and pull it, tilting his head back and giving Cas his neck. He wondered if Dean would like it, wondered how he'd react. He thought he might be scared but then somehow also thought that wouldn't be the case.

Dean's breathing became more rapid and turning into groans and grunts of Cas' name. Eventually Cas felt Dean tense and he groaned loudly for a few seconds as he came. Cas followed behind him with a few thrusts that Cas was aware were harder than usual. Then he stilled and tried to calm, his head hung, his mouth open as he breathed heavily and his eyes closed.

"You were right," Dean said and Cas looked up to see him reach for the tissues, then lift up a little to wipe underneath him.

Cas exhaled one attempt at a laugh and then hung his head again.

"You okay there?" Dean asked and looked over his shoulder before he put the used tissues on the table and got more.

"Yes," Cas said and when Dean lowered back to the couch Cas and his knot went with him. "Can I?"

"Mm?" Dean asked. "Oh yeah, yeah go ahead."

"I don't want to crush you," Cas said.

"I'm cold, come on," Dean said and Cas leaned on his elbows over Dean, his front covering Dean's back. He lifted his left hand and ran it through Dean's hair.

He hummed and then gasped when Cas pulled it, enough to run his nose down Dean's neck towards the front. Cas smiled when he heard Dean chuckle.

"Did I scare you?" Cas asked and kissed him.

"No," Dean said. "Just didn't take you for kinky."

"Are you kinky, Dean?" He kissed Dean's neck, hard, letting his teeth touch the skin.

Dean closed his eyes. "I didn't think so," he said. "But who knows, with you I might be." He would have wondered where that had come from but his mind repeated itself: the heat.

Cas ran his nose up Dean's skin and kissed his mouth, pushing his hips hard against Dean who groaned and kissed him harder.

Cas pulled back and looked at Dean. "Yes, you might well be." He slowly let his hair go.

Cas lay against his back and felt Dean move for the remote which he used to put the TV on. But Cas was surprised to find Dean move a pillow under his head then hand Cas another smaller one over his shoulder. Cas took it and saw there was enough space behind Dean's head to lie it there on top of the one Dean was lying on, elevating him a little, so he did, tucking his left arm under it. He could see the TV and he figured that's what they were doing for the meantime.

"We should eat," Dean said eventually.

"Yes," Cas said.

"I don't have food," Dean added as an afterthought.

"I could go out or there are delivery services, omega specific ones for those in heat."

"Really?" Dean asked. "Why?"

"They only employ betas," Cas said and stroked his right hand through Dean's hair, ignoring the TV. "So, you don't feel vulnerable."

Dean mulled that over. "That's a good idea." Cas nodded. "How do you know that?"

"I looked it up," Cas said.

"What for?" 

"For- for you," Cas said and Dean lifted up, looking to his left at Cas. "I didn't think I'd ever see you again but if I did I wanted to be prepared."

"For another heat?" Dean asked.

"Yes," Cas said. "But not like that. I told you I care about you, I told you that isn't going to change. I hoped I'd see you again, even if it was friendship." Dean looked down. "I wanted to be there for you, I always want to be there for you. Regardless."

Dean lowered himself back to the cushion and lay there. He felt sick, he felt anxious and excited, scared and reassured all at once before he managed to bring himself to ask the question his heat wanted him to. His heat. "What are we doing?” he eventually asked while facing the TV.

"I believe we're watching TV while we wait for my knot to release us," Cas stated.

Dean lifted up again, looking at Cas. "No, Cas, this. Is this an arrangement, are you going to do this every time?"

Cas paused, suddenly feeling as if it were hard to breathe. "If you want me to."

"What do _you_ want? Did you want to do this again?" Dean's eyes darted from Cas' left to his right and back again, looking for the truth.

There was only one thing for it - to go for it. "Yes," Cas said. "When I said I'd get you through your heat I didn't know if you'd go back to your suppressors after it, I hoped not. Not for me, for you. When I made that promise I was trying not to put pressure on you stay off them, but I intended that however many heats you want me to I will get you through them."

Dean paused and then nodded. "Okay," he said. "Okay." He lay back down. "So, like friends with benefits."

Cas nodded. "If you wish," he said, exhaling quietly. While that wasn't easy he hadn't expected it to be so rudimentary. He'd decided long ago that whatever Dean wanted was what they would do.

Dean however, misunderstood this as Cas shrugging at Dean's terminology and therefore didn't fully appreciate Cas' feelings on this, making it not quiet as straight-forward as Cas thought.

There was a pensive and almost sad silence between them as the TV continued.

"I don't understand," Cas said and Dean looked to his right a little.

"The host gives the answer and the contestant has to guess the question."

"Oh!" Cas said and Dean smiled a little at the fascination in his voice.

Dean pursed his lips together. "I saw the doctor," he said. "A few months ago."

When he said no more Cas tried to prompt him without overstepping the mark, "Nothing serious, I hope."

"No, just a check-up after my first heat, well, in six years."

"May I ask the results?" Cas asked.

Dean nodded. "Everything is aces," he said. "And you didn’t do any damage so there's that too."

Cas smiled. "Good," he said.

"Don't go taking that as a challenge," Dean said and Cas laughed. "Unless you like it rough."

"Do you?" Cas asked.

"I don't know," Dean said. "I've only ever been with one guy."

"And what was he like?"

Dean bit his lip. "He was alright," he said.

Cas' smile fell a little. "Just alright?"

Dean turned to his face to the left, resting it on the pillow. He smirked. "Nah, not just alright," he said. "He was the best I've ever had."

"Considering you've only had-"

Dean kissed him. "It's called a joke, take it that way."

Cas smiled bashfully. "I apologize, I'm not good at humor."

"Well, it's a good thing you have other stuff going for you," Dean said. "How's Steve getting on?"

Cas smiled again. "I don't work there anymore, I have a new job."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yes, at an accounting firm," Cas said.

"How'd that happen?"

"I was fired from the gas station," Cas said.

"Why?"

"Well, I closed up early one day and I wasn't supposed to," he said.

Dean face fell and he lifted his head. "I got you fired?"

"No, I got myself fired, Dean. Besides I'm back at the job I’m trained for."

"Do you like it?" Dean asked.

"I'm fitting in well," Cas said. "Adjusting."

"That's not what I asked," Dean said and lifted his left hand, Cas watching it as he awkwardly squeezed his forearm out from under them enough to run his fingers along the side of Cas' neck.

It was not something an omega ever did to an alpha that they weren't bonded to and it took Cas quite by surprise. An alpha's neck was something to protect; psychologists explained it as a remnant from the ancestors as when alphas fought they attacked the necks, attempting to severe arteries. It explained why current alphas, when threatened, lifted their heads high as well as straightening their backs - to show they weren't afraid or threatened by the other. To allow an omega to touch it like this was something that only great trust allowed, it was an expression of affection on both sides; for an omega to initiate it and for an alpha to allow it. Cas felt a rush of that affection for Dean and his knot hardened slightly. And then a voice in the back of his head reminded him that Dean knew none of this information and so it meant nothing.

"Do you like it, the job?" Dean asked, unaware of what Cas was thinking.

Cas was silent for a few moments and then he nodded against the cushion. "Yes, I do," he said.

"Good," Dean said. "So, Chinese or pizza?"

Cas smiled. "Thai."

"What? Who eats Thai? What's even the difference?"

"It's a whole different country?"

"Yeah, so is America and Italy but you can buy pasta."

Cas laughed. "And pizza," he said. 

"Pizza," Dean said.

 

There was a knock at the door.

"I'll get it," Dean said and stood up.

"I can-"

"No, I'm good," Dean said. He had pants on but no shirt.

"Better be a beta," Cas muttered to himself.

Dean opened the door and the woman gestured to the pizza as Cas pulled a cushion over his bare crotch and turned to look. 

"Large meat feast with peppers and anchovies?" she asked, reading the paper on the pizza box, not interested in what Dean was wearing or not.

"Yeah," Dean said and picked up his wallet from the side and took out money.

"That's twenty bucks," she said.

Dean took out thirty and handed it over. "There ya go," he said.

She took it and handed over the pizza. "Thanks, have a good night."

"You too," Dean said and shut the door, turning to see Cas looking at him. "What?" he asked.

"Nothing," Cas said as Dean walked over.

He put the pizza on the table. "You want beer?"

"Yes, please. Could I borrow some pants too?"

"Sure, you wanna get the beers?" Dean said and disappeared into the bedroom.

His pants were in the chest of drawers by the mirror, but he didn't go there. Instead, he went to his wardrobe and moved a bag from the bottom then a folded up overcoat, a tent and a sleeping bag before he picked up a roll of fabric. He put everything back and stood up before he unrolled the fabric into the folded up jogging pants they were; the ones Cas had worn during Dean's last heat. He'd washed them, reluctantly, but didn't want his idiot brother to put them on. As far as he was concerned they were Cas'.

He walked out to see Cas put the beers down and held out the pants. 

"These fit you, right?" Dean asked as Cas put his hand out to receive them. 

"Yes, they are very comfortable," Cas said and proceeded to put them on.

"Do you want a shirt?" Dean asked.

"Not unless you'd rather I cover up?" Cas asked and sat down.

"Not on your life," Dean said and sat down too, opening the box.

 

"I'm so full," Dean said and pointed to the last slice. "Do you-?"

Cas shook his head. "No, thank you."

Dean picked it up and took a bite.

Cas watched him. "I thought you were full?"

"I am," Dean said with his mouth full.

Cas smiled. "Do you mind if I go to bed? I'm quite tired."

"Yeah, go," Dean said. "I won't be long."

"Be as long as you want," Cas said. "But wake me if you need me."

Dean nodded and Cas stood up, going to the bathroom.

"There's spare toothbrushes under the sink," Dean said over his shoulder. “Save you going down to the car.”

"Thank you," Cas said and Dean heard him opening the cupboard.

Dean finished the slice just as Cas left the room and walked towards the bedroom.

Dean watched him walk, how the pants fell with his steps, hiding the curve of his ass. It made Dean want to grab him, throw him against the wall, pull them down, and screw him. He thought about the last time, in the shower. 

He closed the pizza box, washed down his slice with some beer and walked into the bedroom. Cas was just lying down. Dean crawled over him and Cas lifted his left hand to Dean's face as he kissed him.

"Not even going to brush your teeth?" Cas said, tasting the pizza and beer, and Dean shook his head as Cas pulled at the side of Dean's pants.

Cas turned Dean on the bed with force, making Dean exhale in surprise as Cas pulled at his pants, throwing them to the floor and leaning over Dean as they both pulled at Cas' pants.

Then there was a knock at the front door.

"Ignore it," Dean said and kissed Cas. 

"I planned to," Cas said as he pushed inside Dean who groaned.

"Dean!" Sam shouted from outside and knocked harder. "Dean, I know you're- but I need to ask you something, it's work!"

Dean sighed and Cas looked over him. 

"It's okay," Cas said. "I'll still be here. Go." When Dean exhaled through his nose Cas looked down and pulled out.

"I'm gonna kill him," Dean said and picked up his pants as he walked to the door and threw them on as there was more banging. "I'm coming!"

He leaned to pick up his and Cas' clothes that they'd left everywhere. He threw them onto the couch, Cas' tie whipped across the back of the couch but Dean was already in motion towards the door so didn’t see it.

Dean pulled the door open to see Sam, Kevin and Charlie there.

"Charlie?" Dean asked and pulled the door back over. "Sam, I'm-"

"Easy, jumpy," Charlie said. "What you're selling, I ain't buying." She pushed passed him and went to the dining room table.

Kevin followed her and Dean glared at Sam. 

"You can't be afraid of your friends," Sam said and followed him.

They stopped at the dining table as Kevin opened his laptop that he was carrying. "We're chasing a guy, multiple b-and-es, assaults - two on his ex-wife - one attempted rape last year, possession-"

"Skip the rap sheet, tell me that later," Dean said and rolled his hand glancing to Charlie standing on his right. She didn’t seem to be affecting him but he was wary of her.

Cas had heard the commotion and Dean say Charlie's name while he lay in the bedroom, could smell something and couldn’t identify the source. Whatever it was smelled like electrical charge, steel and the sky after rain. Even though it was pleasant there was a part of him that didn’t like it, he didn’t like the idea of that smell covering up his own. He could only guess that it was Charlie, since he knew that she was an alpha and there was no other reason he would feel an irritation out of nowhere. He knew that she was Dean’s friend and yet he still felt threatened. He hated himself for it, he’d gone through all of those years of training himself for things like this not to happen. But then, he hadn’t been helping an omega through a heat all of those years. He felt ridiculously territorial with even just the hint of another alpha in the air. And he knew he had no right either way: Dean wasn't anyone's territory.

Sam looked to Dean but something caught his eye over his brother's shoulder and he saw the tie over the couch, then he noticed the two beer bottles next to the pizza box before he refocused on the three people in front of him.

"He's skipped bail-" Kevin continued.

"Duh," Charlie said as Kevin brought up his actual rap sheet and picture.

"Neighbors say he hasn't been back in three weeks, we tracked him to the city but he's disappeared."

"In the city?" Dean asked. "There's a billion cameras, how did he manage to go Casper?"

"We don't know," Charlie said. "He hasn't used credit cards or his bank, he's got no known associates in the city."

Dean thought about it. "Okay, now the biography-" he gestured to his ear. "Name, age, family, hangouts."

"Bartholomew Tiber," Sam said, "twenty-six-"

"Two sisters, one kid-" Charlie said.

"Hangs in student bars," Kevin added. "but none we know about in the city."

"He's young," Dean said, pointing to the picture. "He fits in as one of them. So, his kid is young?"

"Yeah," Charlie said. "Just turned five in July."

"What was he looking at?" Dean asked.

"Fifteen to twenty years," Sam said.

"How'd he even get bail?" Dean said, more to himself.

They shrugged and Dean sighed.

"Okay, it's fall..." He looked at the face. "He's in the city with no connections, no income. He's risking getting caught, why?"

"Another deal?" Charlie said.

"He ever been caught with intent?" Dean asked.

"Nope, just possession of enough for personal," Sam said.

"Why is he in the city?" Dean said to himself.

"Maybe he thinks he'll be lost in the crowds," Kevin offered.

Charlie shook her head. "Nah, this guy’s record says he knows how this works, he knows he's more likely to get caught. It has to be hella important to get him in Big Brother central."

"Then what?" Kevin asked.

Sam shook his head and they all looked in various directions, Charlie to the floor, Kevin to the fridge and Sam behind him to the right when he saw a long beige trench coat hanging by the side of Dean's jacket. He looked back to the beers and then to Dean's closed bedroom door. Then he looked at Dean himself.

"Maybe he's in heat?" Sam said.

"What?" Dean asked and looked at his brother. "Is he an omega?"

Kevin and Charlie scanned the file. "Yeah," they said simultaneously.

"Suppressors," Charlie said, them all shooting awkward looks to Dean.

"Rape?" Dean said. "An omega?"

Cas lowered his head, wishing he could do something to change Dean’s perception of his kind.

"It's not an alpha thing, you know?" Charlie said, irritated, and Dean put his hands up.

Then something popped into his head. "He's facing twenty years," he said as if that was the answer. 

"Yeah?" Sam said.

"His kid!" he said and gestured to the screen. "His kid is five, he's facing never seeing the kid again, missing his or her’s whole childhood."

"Her’s," Kevin said as he began to look up the address. "They stay in Lenexa."

"Whoa," Charlie said and pointed to the address. "That's a posh neighborhood."

"How posh?" Dean asked.

"Like not celebrity but posh enough to be," Charlie said.

"The kid, would she be starting kindergarten?" Dean asked.

"Yeah, she's five, the deadline is August I think," Sam said. 

"What you thinking?" Charlie asked.

"How many posh schools are in the city?" Dean said.

Kevin typed. "Just under twenty."

"Closest to Lenexa?"

"Kansas city Christian school but they're not religious."

"Best bet is Kansas City Academy," Dean said. "They have a kindergarten program. You know what do from there."

Sam nodded. "Hostels and the like."

"Try student hang outs too, emergency housing and places, anywhere he'll fit in," Dean said as Kevin closed his laptop. "And cash-in-hand jobs nearby. Also, let the school know, you don't know what this guy’s thinking; he could be watching her but he might snatch her and that could lead anywhere."

"Thanks man," Kevin said.

"No problem."

They walked to the door. 

"Let me know how it goes," Dean said.

"Yeah," Sam said. "When you think you'll be back?" 

"About five or six days," Dean said.

Charlie stopped at the door and looked back to Dean, speaking as if she'd been forced to bring it up, "Okay, did you pour sugar on your pizza or something? It's overpowering. Like syrup or something?"

Sam looked to them as Dean shrugged it off and shut the door. He thought about it all as Dean locked the door and they walked away.

Dean turned then walked to the bathroom where he got ready for bed and walked in to the bedroom to find Cas under the covers and facing him. Dean got in beside him and Cas pulled him close. 

"Sorry about that," Dean said.

"It's okay," Cas said. "I heard you, you were good."

Dean smiled. "It's my job,"

"Yes, but that doesn't automatically make you good at it."

"That's true," Dean said and kissed Cas.

Dean ran his leg up Cas' and smiled. "Where were we?"

Cas kissed his neck and held Dean's buttock as he pushed inside, making Dean groan. "About there?"

Dean chuckled as he nodded and ran his hands through Cas' hair. Cas stayed still for a little minute and then he slowly moved his hips back before he pushed back in, just as slowly.

"Is that acceptable?" Cas mumbled against his lips.

"Yeah," Dean said and nodded as he kissed Cas who made the same move again, grunting softly into Dean's mouth.

Dean rolled Cas onto his back, not moving until he broke out of the kiss slowly and straightened up. His hands trailed until they were on Cas' chest, and he used them to balance along with Cas' hands on his waist. He moved his hips just as slowly as Cas had done and found his moans, though gentle, weren't solitary. Then, when he did it again, as he lowered himself down Cas' cock he found Cas lifting his hips and meeting him. 

He bent over again, his back arched, and kissed Cas just as he slowly repeated the process. "Feels- so good-" Dean said, his breath stuttering.

"Yes," Cas said with a nod, he brought his left hand to Dean's face and kissed him. "And we've just started."

Dean groaned in reply and straightened up again, Cas' hand dropping to his thighs, holding as their hips met again.

Downstairs Sam was pulling his seatbelt on after the others and then turned the engine over.

"Charlie?" She hummed in response, rereading the fugitive’s rap sheet again. "Did you say you could smell syrup in Dean's apartment?"

"Yeah, couldn't you?" she asked.

"Nope," Sam said and looked at Kevin in the mirror. "Kevin?"

"There was something sweet but it was harsh too, so I have no idea." 

"Are you kidding?" Charlie said. "I feel like I need to go check my blood sugar levels, it was like inhaling sugar."

"Was it maybe Dean?" Kevin asked.

"Why?" Sam asked.

"Well Charlie’s an alpha, she can smell things I can't, just like I can smell things you can't," Kevin said.

"Like an omega in heat," Charlie said, seemingly accepting it.

Or an alpha helping one through it, Sam thought.

The pair upstairs fell asleep locked together, fed, tired and satisfied and on a couch of an old friend a fugitive from bail was having his last meal as a free man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Sunday I go on holiday and while I hope to get the chapter up before then I can't 100% promise so I hope you'll forgive me if I don't. On top of that the following weekend I'll be at Purgatory Con so I most definitely will not post that week. Hopefully y'all will come back when I can post... Please? :D


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't leave you hanging or two whole weeks, could I? next week will be a definite no-go though, I'm afraid. PurCon though! (Purgatory Con, for those that don't know - the supernatural convention in Dusseldorf)
> 
> Also, THAT FINALE RIGHT? Y'all see it?

When Dean woke the next day he took a minute to adjust to the morning with a grunt and a scratch of his buttock. He realized they were no longer attached and that he must have turned away in the night. He decided to get up and do something about his bladder so he could come back and wrap himself in the warmth of his bed and the man with his right arm loosely around Dean.

Dean tried to sit up, still on his left side, but Cas' arm tightened around him and he heard Cas growl possessively as he touched his nose to the back of Dean's neck. Dean paused and he didn't move, his arm didn't loosen and he lightly rubbed the side of his hair against Dean's. He hadn’t paused in fear, it was more sluggish surprise and the absence of fear made him scoff in a smile.

"Cas?" Dean said, moving his right arm back to Cas' hip and shaking him. "Cas, come on." Cas stirred. "Cas, wake up."

Cas lifted his head as Dean turned to look but took a second before he opened his eyes which were sticky with sleep. "Mm?" he asked.

"I need to pee," Dean said.

"Okay," Cas said and tucked his head again, closing his eyes.

Dean shook him harder with a smile. "Cas!"

Cas lifted his head again, opening his eyes with more distaste. "What?"

"I need to pee," Dean said. "You've kinda got me a vice grip here."

Cas looked down to where his arm was holding Dean tight against him and immediately let him go. "I apologize," he said and used his offending hand to wipe his face.

"It's okay," Dean said and got up, leaving the room, swallowing a lump in his throat because it really was okay.

Cas lay on his back and let himself drift back to sleep.

 

When he woke again Dean was lying beside him, on Dean’s right side, facing Cas and sound asleep. Cas realized Dean was lying on Cas’ left arm and turned on his own left side to look at him.

He looked at his face, the late morning sun wasn't as strong as it had been when Cas first opened his eyes, he idly remembered, but Cas' shadow hid Dean's face from it so he stayed soundly asleep.

Even in the shadow, being this close, as Cas' eyes adjusted to being open, freckles on Dean's face slowly started to show themselves like stars in a night sky the first time you look up at night. Cas scanned every inch of his face looking for them all, making sure none were hiding from him. 

Dean’s face was soft and relaxed, the slight pout he sported during the day was gone, like a guard asleep at his post. Dean looked peaceful, he looked open, he looked vulnerable. Cas didn't see it how he knew other alphas might; how a lioness might see a sleeping wildebeest in the Serengeti. No, he saw it like- well like a lover, someone he knew who trusted him. He'd never known trust like this, from the minute they'd met Dean had trusted him and, while Cas would never hurt Dean, he wasn't sure why. Why did this man trust him so much? This was a man who didn't appear to trust anyone, not even himself.

Cas looked at his closed eyes and thought about when they were open; green (sometimes with a touch or two of brown), big and honest. Cas had heard people say that the eyes are the windows to the soul and he wondered about that, he wondered what he could possibly learn about this man's soul by looking into them, if he had that chance in the future.

He saw Dean's eyes twitch and he watched the long eyelashes flutter before he opened his eyes and saw Cas looking back at him. Cas thought his soul must be as beautiful as those, if not more. And infinitely more precious.

"Hey," Dean said, his voice croaky. He cleared his throat and took a few long blinks to try and clear his vision.

"Hello," Cas said.

"Were you watching me sleep?" Dean said.

"I didn't set out with that intention but I suppose that was what happened," Cas said.

"Little creepy," Dean said, closing his eyes again.

"I apologize," Cas said and rolled away.

Dean opened his eyes again and huffed a little to himself, feeling bad for making Cas look away. "Did you learn anything?" Cas turned his head to the left and looked at him. "From watching me sleep?"

"Nothing I didn't already know," Cas said and Dean watched him looking over his face.

"Like what?" Dean said.

"You're quite handsome," Cas said.

He saw Dean slowly smile and then turned his face into the pillow.

Cas smiled too. "I'm sorry, did I embarrass you?"

"No," Dean said and rubbed his face into the pillow before looking to Cas again. "Just didn't expect you to say that."

"Surely you've heard it before?" Cas said.

"Well yeah," Dean said. "But, somehow, it's different coming from you." He looked right into Cas' eyes.

Cas turned towards him again. "How are you feeling, baby?" He rubbed his hand over Dean's left shoulder. 

Dean smiled. "Tired, hungry..." He leaned to Cas and emphasized the word, " _Honey_." He smiled. "You really gonna go with that, huh?"

"You said I could," Cas said. "Unless it makes you uncomfortable?"

Dean didn't answer for a few seconds, looking at Cas and then shrugged. "No," he said. "It doesn't. As long as you don't expect me to call you ‘honey’ a lot."

"Why not?"

"Women tend to use it," Dean said, as it that explained it.

"And that bothers you?" Cas asked, but didn't wait for Dean to answer. "I like it."

"You do?" Dean asked and Cas nodded but Dean didn't say anything else.

"How is your heat?" Cas asked instead, thinking about (but trying not to) how that sleepy voice would sound moaning his name as Cas woke it and this man's body up. He tried to mentally shake it: this wasn't about him.

"I'm still half asleep so I'm okay just now, I guess. Why?" He settled his head on the pillow. "You horny, Cas?" He smiled cheekily.

"This isn't about me, it's about you," Cas said, his hand falling to Dean's hip.

"It's about both of us," Dean corrected then lifted up onto his elbow. "Are you?" He leaned forward. "Are you horny, Cas?" Cas looked at his face before Dean leaned to the side and kissed his neck softly. He pushed Cas onto his back and straddled him in the process. "Hm?" 

Cas' eyes closed and his right hand came up to run through Dean's hair just as Dean bit his ear lobe gently. He exhaled and brought his left hand to run up Dean's thigh and then moved to his hardening dick.

"Say it," Dean said breathless against his ear. "Say you're horny."

"I'm horny," Cas said, feeling like he was doing something wrong. That Dean was allowing- No, persuading him to do something wrong. Maybe even make it right.

"Do you want me, Cas?" Dean asked and kissed his neck hard.

"Yes," Cas said. "Yes, I want you, I always want you." Dean pulled back and looked down at him. "It never stops."

"Can I fuck you?" Dean asked in a whisper and Cas' breathing stopped.

Cas looked over his expression, he looked as far gone as Cas was. "Really?" Cas said, letting that breath out as if gasping, and Dean bit his lip before he nodded slowly. "Yes, Dean."

Dean smiled slowly. "I want you to ride me, would you do that?"

"Yes," Cas said and leaned up on his elbows. 

Dean lifted his left leg and moved off of Cas who turned as Dean lay down and they switched the places they had been in. Dean felt liquid leak from between his leg but even though he was full of anticipation and lust it wasn't the same as when he had to reached for Cas and pull him close, silently asking for what he needed.

Cas could smell it, like someone pouring scotch. "Dean, do you need-?"

Dean lifted up and took Cas' face in hand. "That's because I want this, it turns me on," he looked down, "can't you tell?"

Cas looked to Dean's cock between his legs, hard and twitching a little. He looked back up to Dean. "Are you horny, baby?" he asked.

Dean smiled wide. "Oh honey, you've no idea," he said and then they kissed, Dean lying back down in the process and Cas shifting on his knees.

Cas settled over Dean whose hands went to his hips, tightening as Cas tried to sink down fast, he pulled out of the kiss quickly.

When Cas looked to him his face was full of concern. "Hey, slow down, I know I'm not as big as you but you could hurt yourself, Cas," Dean said.

"We’ve done this before," Cas stated.

"Yeah, three months ago and not from this angle. Just slow down, just be careful." His left hand cupped Cas' face again. "Please, I don't wanna hurt you."

Cas could understand that. He didn't move for a few seconds before he nodded. "I'm sorry, Dean," he said.

Dean smiled a little. "It's okay," he said and replaced his hand on Cas' hip. "Slowly," he pushed on it. The irony of Dean asking Cas to listen to him after what had happened the previous night wasn’t lost on him.

Cas let him lead, let himself go as pliant as possible in Dean hands while holding himself steady and left it up to Dean’s judgement. Dean in turn watched Cas’ face intently for signs of pain and pleasure. When Cas’ hips hit Dean’s his head bobbed forward and he exhaled shortly as if he’d been holding that tiny bit of air in.

“Are you okay?” Dean said and lifted his left hand to cup Cas’ face. Cas nodded but Dean wasn’t sure. “Are you sure? We can stop?”

Cas shook his head as he lifted it enough to look at Dean in the eye. “I don’t want to stop, I’m okay,” he said and exhaled, for longer that time. “Is this what a knot is like for you?”

“Like what?” Dean asked.

“Like…” Cas paused and looked to the side as he searched in his head for the words. “Relief.” He looked back to Dean, his expression searching.

“Yeah,” Dean said. “That’s what it’s like, like someone resetting a dislocated joint or-” He shrugged. “Getting a cast off of my leg and being able to walk again. It sounds weird when I say it like that, but it’s genuinely like I’ve been in pain the rest of time and suddenly it’s gone.”

Cas nodded slowly.

“Is that what this feels like?” he asked.

Cas shook his head. “No, it’s relief in the sense that I know I’m going to cum soon.”

Dean laughed and Cas did too. “Well, I get that too.”

Cas looked at Dean nervously. “I think I understand now,” he said. “Why you were so desperate to be knotted.”

“Jeez, Cas,” Dean said, looking to the side, his hands on Cas’ thighs, “I wasn’t _desperate_ , I just- I was in heat and the point of it is to be knotted.”

“I know that,” Cas said. “I wasn’t trying to imply anything other than that.”

Dean looked back to him and then ran his hands up and down Cas’ thighs, almost reassuringly, as he nodded. “Yeah, I know, it’s just the word ‘desperate’ makes me sounds kinda pathetic.”

“You are not pathetic,” Cas said and leaned forward, over Dean who looked up at him. “You could never be pathetic,” he said, his voice lower in volume than it had been. “Wanting my knot does not make you pathetic, just like not wanting it does not make you-” He shrugged. “Whatever you may think. I just need you to listen to me, to take my consent into consideration.”

“I know,” Dean said, “I know, Cas.” He shook his head. “And I’m so sorry.”

Cas lifted his right hand to Dean’s jaw and hushed him. “Don’t think about it, it’s forgotten. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“No,” Dean said. “No, knowing that maybe you understand is good, it feels…” He hesitated, swallowing. “It feels good.”

“Good,” Cas said. “Do you know what else feels good?”

Dean shook his head and then closed his eyes and moaned when Cas suddenly moved, slowly lifting off of Dean’s cock, almost all the way and then back down.

“Yeah, it does,” Dean said and nodded, opening his eyes again. “Does it?”

“Yes,” Cas said and started to move, quickly finding a rhythm.

Dean chuckled, Cas heard a hint of embarrassment in there. “You know what you’re doing,” he said.

Cas remembered the first time Dean had taken control and he kissed Dean’s neck. “I’m just letting the pleasure guide me,” he said as he got closer to Dean’s ear and then moaned.

“Yeah?” Dean asked, his hands running up Cas’ thighs, moving to his sides and then over his hips to his buttocks.

“Yes,” Cas said. “You can move too, move with me.”

Dean’s hands moved to Cas’ hips and Cas felt his hands tighten a little as he assessed Cas’ rhythm and waited, like waiting to leap into a jump rope game. Cas put his left hand on Dean’s hip and dragged him into it himself, making the jump easier.

Dean began by just moving with Cas and looking between them to where they were joined, perhaps observing his technique and looking for ways to change it. It wasn’t long before Cas felt Dean’s left hand move to his side, his right running over his thigh as they rocked.

Cas kissed Dean’s forehead and Dean looked up to him, seemingly unaware that he’d been watching them, he hadn’t even acknowledged Cas’ cock bouncing between them, hard and heavy. Every alpha was, on average eight to ten inches but Cas was clearly at the high end, if not bigger and Dean wondered idly as he looked up how he’d managed to take it inside of him, and wanted it harder and faster. As his eyes found Cas’ it was like something clicked between them and they leaned towards each other to kiss but they didn’t get there, they just touched their foreheads together for a second, the movements rubbing and separating them. Dean’s left hand then moved to Cas’ hips, both moved over his buttocks and Cas gasped when Dean lifted him with pressure there and pushed him back down.

“That okay?” Dean asked.

Cas moaned and nodded as Dean did it again.

“Yeah?” Dean asked and Cas gasped against his lips as Dean lifted his hips to meet his. “What about that?”

“Yes,” Cas said in a rushed breath, his hands grabbing the pillow beside Dean’s head. “Dean-” he groaned loudly.

“What, Cas?” Dean asked and moved him a little harder.

Cas’ left hand moved to Dean’s neck and gripped a little. “It feels-”

“Good?” Dean asked and Cas nodded. Dean tilted his head and kissed Cas’ neck, hard, tensing his stomach as he lifted to do so.

Cas’ hand ran behind his neck and into his hair as he continued to ride it with Dean taking lead. The sound of their hips meeting was almost drowned out by Cas’ moans and Dean’s grunts, Cas could feel each one in a hot breath against his neck.

“I-” Cas said and inhaled. “I don’t know why but, I need you to-” He closed his eyes and groaned.

“Tell me,” Dean urged in his ear. “Whatcha need, Cas?”

“Harder,” Cas said and tightened his hand in Dean’s hair when he complied. “Aw, God,” he said in a breath.

“How does that feel?” Dean asked and groaned in Cas’ ear.

“Not quite there,” Cas said.

Dean pursed his lips together, held onto Cas’ hip with his left hand, and pushed in harder. He heard Cas moan loudly and he smiled. “What about-?”

“Dean, there,” Cas said. “Don’t-” He swallowed a dry breath and Dean felt his hips become more insistent against Dean’s.

“There?” Dean said. “What’s there?” he asked as he complied. “Cas, what-” He grunted as he pushed in again and exhaled. “What’s there?”

Cas didn’t answer, all he could do was moan, try to say Dean’s name, hold onto Dean’s hair and pillow as he rolled his hips, harder and faster.

“Cas, I’m gonna come if you keep doing that,” Dean said and let his head go limp, expecting it to lull back, as he keened and thrust up hard.

“Yeah,” Cas said but didn’t stop. “Yes, Dean,” he nodded. “Come- I’m-”

Dean groaned. “You gonna come?” Dean asked and when Cas nodded it only spurred him on to move faster.

The idea that he was not only going to make Cas come, but an omega making an alpha come this way spurred him on in ways he didn’t want to admit. It was almost as if he had to confirm it was true and he let his right hand, which was still holding on to Cas’ buttock, move to the middle and further down. His fingers touched his own dick and then touched the outer rim of Cas’ hole and he couldn’t help but moan.

Cas seemed to sense this and leaned his head to Dean’s ear, the movement making his lips drag over the surface and his breath ragged. “I’m going to come from your cock alone.” Dean groaned louder than he had done the entire time. “It’s all I need to-” He moaned. “Dean, I-”

Cas’ arm tightened a little as he started cuming and Dean heard his loud moan in his left ear. Dean had to guide his hip, to make sure it stayed in rhythm and didn’t stop. He felt something hot and wet slap him stomach and chest. Cas threw his weight forward as he was finishing and it made Dean lie back down, the angle change pausing his own ejaculation for a mere second but when he it started again it felt like a huge relief even though it had stuttered for such a short time.

Dean was aware he’d groaned Cas’ name and whimpered when his flow had stopped then groaned again when it re-started, all in the space of about three seconds. Cas was too wrapped up in his own orgasm to hear Dean before. Now that they had finished, all Cas could hear was his own heartbeat in his ears and all Dean could hear was his own breathing as they calmed.

Cas slowly loosened his fingers in Dean’s hair and pulled his arm out from under him as he leaned back and pulled back. He and Dean both looked down to the mess.

They followed the mess all the way up Dean’s chest and up to his left shoulder. Dean looked to the pillow and saw it empty but when he looked back to Cas, Cas was looking up at the wall with a slightly white face. Dean looked up and saw it on the headboard and wall. It’d skipped the pillow because of the angle they’d been at. Dean started laughing and Cas looked to him.

“I’m sorry, Dean,” Cas said seriously.

“It’s alright,” Dean said as he looked to the mess that had transferred to Cas’ chest when they’d been pressed together.

Cas began to shake his head and looked to the wall again. “I’d better clean it up,” he said and tried to move.

Dean put his right hand on Cas’ arm, not wanting to move his left. “Seriously, it’s alright, Cas. I’ll clean it up, just give me a minute. At least I don’t have to ask if you enjoyed it.”

Cas looked concerned. “Of course I did, Dean,” he said.

Dean nodded. “Yeah, I got that,” he smiled and pointed to his chest and wall. “Your enjoyment is all over me and the wall, I got it.” He laughed again and Cas’ concern dropped to embarrassment. “Hey,” Dean said and lifted his head. “Don’t do that. It’s meant to happen.”

“Yes,” Cas said. “I’ve achieved prostate stimulation alone before but I was not prepared for us to achieve it so quickly.”

Dean blinked a few times. “Exactly,” he said and paused. “I think.” He looked at Cas confused. “What stimulation?”

“Prostate,” Cas said. “It’s a gland in the anal passage-”

“You know what?” Dean said with his hand up. “I’m too tired and hungry for the biology lesson.”

“Would you like me to run to the store?” Cas asked.

“Oh, damn, I don’t have food, I forgot that,” Dean said and looked down. “Let me get out,” he said and Cas looked too as he lifted up, both of them exhaling with the feeling. “Yeah, I guess. I mean, you don’t have to go now, you could shower first or whatever.”

Cas moved from straddling Dean and sat on the bed next to him and hissed, his hips lifting from the bed instinctively.

Dean turned quickly, putting his right hand out. “Are you okay?”

“Yes,” Cas said and exhaled. “There was a sharp sensation.” He slowly lowered again.

“I didn’t hurt you, did I?” Dean said turning more and scrambling to kneel beside Cas. “Do you need a doctor, I can call Lisa?”

“Who?” Cas asked.

“Dr Braeden,” Dean said. “My doctor.”

“Oh,” Cas said and shook his head as he moved towards the edge of the bed. “No, no thank you, I’m fine. It was brief, it’s gone now.”

“Okay,” Dean said and let go of tension in his body.

Cas stood too, making sure he was okay. “Are you sure you wouldn’t rather go to the store?” Cas asked and Dean looked at him. “You could take your gun.”

Dean sighed. “I have a permit, officer,” he said. “I have permits for all my guns. I have a license to carry a concealed weapon as a fugitive recovery agent.”

“But you’re not working,” Cas said.

“Which is why I’m not carrying my work gun, that’s my personal weapon with its own license to carry a concealed weapon.”

“On what grounds?” Cas asked.

“On the grounds that as a F-R-A I’m at risk even when I’m not working, on the grounds that I’m an omega in heat, on the grounds that I’m an American citizen exercising the right to bear arms-” Dean got up and, as he made to step passed Cas he stopped. “-On the grounds of screw you.” He walked out of the room, trying to make ‘running before the semen on my chest runs’ look casual.

Cas followed him, picking up his shirt and pants. “Did I offend you by asking you that question?” Dean sighed as he got to the bathroom and closed the door over a little while he wiped himself off, deciding that wet wipes were definitely something his bathroom needed.

Cas stopped just outside and put his shirt on, waiting for an answer that didn’t come, as he pulled his pants on.

“Dean, I wasn’t questioning you. I was merely asking because I don’t remember seeing you carry it the last time.”

“We didn’t go outside the last time,” Dean said.

“I apologize if I upset you,” Cas said as he began to button his shirt, “I was merely making an inquiry that would not only start a conversation, give you the freedom to go out if you’d rather and let you know that if you wanted to talk about it then I was more than willing to be here for you.” Dean sighed, feeling guilty as he put the tissues down the toilet. “I won’t do it again,” Cas said and began to tuck his shirt in.

Dean opened the bathroom door to see Cas, the front of his pants open and his hands around his back tucking the shirt in, look up to him. “Sorry, Cas, I shouldn’t have snapped.” He stepped out of the bathroom and walked into the kitchen, still naked. “Let me see what I have.” He opened the fridge.

Cas walked to the couch and stood in front of his tie as he fixed his collar.

Dean watched him and had the urge to walk over, to wait for him to turn around and fix his tie. “No,” he said and tutted.

Cas looked over his shoulder briefly and then, assuming Dean was talking to himself with regards to the items in the fridge, he turned back to his tie, he folded it up but didn’t put it on as he looked for his shoes on the floor, rounding the couch to pick them up. He sat down on the couch and began to pull them on.

Dean closed the door and looked to Cas, thinking about the way he’d been with Dean. He sighed and made a frustrated face to himself before he let it fall. “Look,” he said and Cas didn’t turn, “I didn’t have the gun the last time.”

Cas twisted and looked over his right shoulder at Dean.

“I have my work guns but those don’t come with me, I have one for emergencies in my office,” he gestured to the one room in the house that Cas hadn’t been in. “Some paranoid idea that bounties are gonna come back to hunt me, knock on the door one day.” He sighed. “But it’s never left the office so I’ve clearly never been that scared of a knock at the door before.” He looked down.

“Now you are?” Cas asked.

Dean inhaled, neither nodding nor shaking his head as he raised it. “I don’t like this, Cas, in case you haven’t noticed; I got a problem with being weak and vulnerable-”

“I did notice,” Cas said.

“-the idea that I’m scared is enough that admitting that I got a gun for protection- against criminals who really don’t wanna go back to prison is one thing but just someone knocking at the door?” He scoffed. “That’s ridiculous.”

“No, it’s not,” Cas said, turning more towards Dean. “There is nothing abnormal or to be ashamed about feeling fear, Dean. You have the right to bear arms, yes. But you also have the right to feel, too. Whether it’s fear or sadness or vulnerability or happiness or joy. You are allowed to feel, you don’t have to tell people if you don’t want to but never be ashamed of being human.” Cas turned back to tying his shoes.

Dean just stood there, not sure what else to do or say other than nod and turn back to the kitchen. “I’m gonna shower, do you wanna take the key?”

“Yes,” Cas said.

“It’s in the bowl,” Dean said and walked towards the bathroom.

“Dean,” Cas said and turned to his left, Dean stopping at the door and turning to look at him. “What am I getting?”

“Oh,” Dean said and crossed the apartment again, found his jacket on the peg then he took out money and held it out to Cas, pausing before he smiled. “Surprise me.”

Cas took it and turned to his left again to watch Dean walk into the bathroom. “But-” He looked to the money. “Dean?”

“Yeah?” Dean called and Cas heard the water go on.

“Am I getting enough for one meal or a day, or week or…?” He just stopped.

“Uh,” Dean said and hesitated. “Try to get a whole week but if you can’t then it’s fine.”

Cas stood up and walked to the peg where his coat was hanging. “Not exactly helpful,” he muttered to himself and left, taking the key with him. He hesitated and then locked the apartment behind him. As he walked down the steps his mind went into overdrive and before he’d even got to the supermarket the whole building had burned down in his mind, with Dean trapped inside and screaming.

He was worried but he had to get this right so he spent half an hour in the store agonizing over what to get and then eventually got another cab back to Dean’s apartment building. Dean’s car keys had been in the bowl too and while he had no intention of driving it without asking he wanted to grab his bag and bring it up the stairs with him.

When he opened the door there was no water running and he decided it might be best to announce himself. “Dean?” he called, putting the keys in the bowl by the door and dumping his bag on the couch. “Dean?” He put the bags down on the counter and walked to the bedroom. He found it empty and then, as he was walking to the bathroom, he saw Dean on the balcony in his dressing gown, just like the last time. He walked to the window that led to it and climbed out. “Dean?”

Dean had his right hand on the wall in front of him and his left on his neck as he turned. His face was covered in sweat and his mouth was agape as he breathed through it. “Cas-” he said and Cas realized his left hand was gripping his neck, his nails digging into the skin. “It came outta nowhere.”

Cas looked at the ground and there was a pool of clear liquid there where he’d been standing.

“It won’t stop,” Dean said and groaned, leaning both hands on the wall.

“It’s okay, Dean,” Cas said and walked to him, putting his arms around him. “We’ll go in-”

Dean’s hands grabbed Cas’ arms around him. “You gotta do it here,” Dean said.

“Dean, if I do it here I can’t knot you,” Cas said and Dean closed his eyes. “That’s what you want, right?” Dean nodded, his hands gripping Cas tighter.

“I don’t think I can move,” Dean said.

Cas hesitated, he thought about how easy it’d be for him to carry Dean inside, once they squeezed through the window, but he didn’t want to manhandle Dean, not after what he’d said about feeling weak. So he stepped back from Dean, letting him go, and Dean grabbed the wall for support as Cas pulled the front of his pants open. “I’ll do it here, this time and then we’ll get inside and you’ll get it next time, okay?” Dean nodded. “You have to let me pull away.” Cas said as he lifted the back of Dean’s dressing gown.

“I will,” Dean said and braced his hands on the wall.

“You promise?” Cas asked.

“I promise,” Dean said and Cas looked around before he pushed in in one swift movement. “Cas-” Dean groaned and as Cas stepped forward, keeping his feet out wide, he wrapped his right arm around Dean’s middle and pulled back to thrust in. “I’m already regretting this,” he said with a chuckle.

“Why?” Cas said, stilling. “I can stop.”

“No,” Dean said and leaned his head back. “No, Cas, I just know you’re gonna keep it from me but don’t stop, I’ll listen.”

Cas waited. “You have to, Dean,” he said.

“I know!” Dean said, annoyed. “I haven’t had it all morning, I feel like I’m dying here, can you please just move?”

Cas lifted his left hand and put the back of it to Dean’s neck. “Not until you calm down,” he said. “You’ll do something to hurt us both. Just calm down, I’m here.”

Dean inhaled through teeth as if refusing to give him the win.

Cas put his nose to the skin just behind Dean’s left ear and hushed him. “I’m right here,” he said. “I’m not going to risk you getting hurt, just breathe me in, it’ll feel better.”

Dean inhaled again, less harsh that time, the breathing equivalent of hesitating, not quite convinced. When Cas nosed at Dean’s neck he didn’t bare it, indicating that he wasn’t going to give in, and that stopped Cas pushing it any further. It was as good as a ‘no’ and that’s how Cas took it.

“Okay,” Cas said and padded his feet. “We’ll stop.” He looked down to pull out and Dean didn’t stop him.

Dean expected him to pull away in annoyance, to go inside and not come near him for the rest of the night as punishment. But Cas leaned back to pull Dean’s dressing gown down and then hugged him again. Dean looked to his left as Cas did. Cas withdrew his left hand and Dean felt movement at waist height and figured that Cas was tucking himself back in, when he replaced his arm it was higher and Dean could smell Cas. While the balcony was between two walls and rarely got any wind when it blew across, the little that did find its way in was blowing Dean’s scent backwards, hiding any of Cas’ from Dean. Until now. Dean couldn’t help to lower his head and try to smell more of it. It was slightly obscured by the wind and the distance but Dean could smell apples and books.

Cas felt Dean’s hand come up and lift his left hand and then he rested his nose there before he kissed the skin. Cas could feel the moment the tension began to relax, as if he had been frightened and now he was slowly being reassured.

“Are you okay?” Cas asked eventually.

Dean nodded. “Yeah,” he said softly, as if embarrassed.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Cas asked.

Dean hesitated. “It’s these damn heats, one minute I feel like all I want you to do is push me against this wall but then if you even try to _ask_ me to do something I think screw you I’m not a puppet.” Dean sighed and lowered his head to his left hand, Cas loosening his hold as Dean did.

“I don’t mean to make you feel like a puppet, Dean,” Cas said.

“I know, Cas, it’s not that you make me feel that way, I just do, even though I didn’t a minute ago. I don’t understand it. But when you say things like that, even when you’re right-”

“Like what?”

“Like you’re not gonna move until I calm down, yeah okay you might be right, but suddenly I just get angry and think screw you I’d rather feel like this than be bossed around.”

Cas sighed and Dean turned to look at him. “Dean, I can’t figure out if you don’t like being an omega or you don’t like any behavior that puts you in the typical omega role?”

Dean huffed and looked to the city again, his right hand on the wall as he leaned against it. “I don’t-” He shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of being controlled by you, I don’t mean like- I mean my biology. I don’t like being so base. I hate being submissive.”

“Do you seriously think being an omega is being submissive?” Cas asked.

“Well, yeah,” Dean said. “My entire life is run by my biology, I have to plot my life around it. I practically beg you to fuck me, I’m standing in a puddle of my own- Whatever.” He sighed and lowered his head to his left hand again. “I don’t know if I can do this. I feel like I’m at someone’s beck and call and- Yeah, okay, it’s sex, there are worse things to be bound to. But Jesus, when I’m in heat it’s- It’s like I’m a different person, I feel like I’m at the middle of a volcano or in the midst of an earthquake and trying to make it stop. I don’t know how I feel but I don’t like it, I don’t like being a slave to anything or anybody.”

Cas looked down and laughed a little.

“Oh, that’s great, Cas,” Dean said and turned back to the wall. “Laugh at me.”

“I’m not-” Cas said and shook his head. “I just- That’s what being with you is like, in heat or out.” Dean turned his head to look at him. “It’s so intense it’s like being chained to a comet. There is nothing submissive about being an omega, Dean. It’s nature. Just like there’s nothing dominant about being an alpha. It’s just biology. Alphas are usually faster, bigger and stronger- But alphas are only alphas because they’re like that.”

Dean looked at him confused.

“Well, when our species first started the alphas only hunted because they were faster and stronger, they weren’t faster and stronger because they hunted. They were naturally without wombs so those with larger penises survived because they had a bigger chance of reproduction. It’s Darwin and natural selection. Survival is because a species adapts to its surroundings, the surroundings don’t adapt to the species. Omegas have wombs so they have the children and therefore couldn’t go running around after prey.”

“Lions do it,” Dean said stubbornly. “The females hunt.”

“Yes, and I’m not a specialist on lions but back before our species evolved it was only the females who carried babies and produced milk to provide so they stayed with the children. That’s not the case for us but the omegas still stay with the babies. I don’t know why, Dean, they just do. It’s just behavior. It doesn’t define us. In the same way that baring your neck to me or wanting me to be rough with you doesn’t make you submissive.”

“Then what does it make me?” Dean said, turning to Cas. “When you touch me I feel better, what is that?”

“That’s is a reaction to pheromones in an alphas sweat,” Cas said. “It’s biology in the same way that when you stand up too fast you can become dizzy or being too hot can make you pass out. It doesn’t make you weak or a slave to your own body, it makes you human. You would react the same to any alpha.”

Dean looked at him. “Would I?”

Cas nodded. “Any you weren’t afraid of.”

Dean scoffed. “That only leaves you,” he said.

“You would react the same to Charlie,” Cas said and Dean refocused on him.

Dean slowly looked away and out at the street. “Who decides who is what?” he asked and Cas wasn’t sure if he was talking to him or not. “What in our DNA decides alpha, omega or beta? If it’s not strength and weakness.”

“Which is which?” Cas asked and Dean didn’t turn. “You think being an omega is weak and alpha is strength, and yet you want to be strong but are afraid of alphas.” He tilted his head as Dean turned his a little, not enough to look at Cas. “And what does that make betas? Until you realize that holding you up against the wall and penetrating you is not strength and bowing to your body is not weakness you will not see how strong you are.” He began to turn away.

“And what about you?” Dean said, Cas stopping and looking at Dean to see him pause before he looked at Cas. “You spent your whole adult life suppressing your body’s whims, doing everything you can not to succumb to it. Why is it I’m not allowed to be afraid but you are?”

“You are allowed to be afraid, Dean,” Cas said. “I’m not afraid of _who_ I am, not really. I’m afraid of _what_ I’m capable of inflicting. You should not be afraid of who you are, that’s a horrible existence. You are afraid of what others can do to you and it seems you are also afraid of what you would allow to happen.” He paused. “What you want.” He shook his head. “It’s no wonder you’re a bounty hunter. My therapist would love you.” He smiled weakly and climbed through the window.

Dean watched him go into the bathroom and squinted as a few seconds later Cas appeared again, undone the first button on his shirt and stretched his back then went to the kitchen to unload the bags.

Dean walked to the window and dipped to climb back inside, he walked to the kitchen and watched Cas. “Are you a sucker for punishment?” Cas looked up questioningly as he continued unpacking. Dean gestured to the balcony. “I just rejected you and had a go at you and you what? Take a leak and then stick around?”

“Dean, when you ask me to leave I’ll go, until then you can try to push me away all you like but I said I would get you through as many heats as you want me to.” He looked into the bag. “And I will.”

Dean looked down and then walked to Cas, not looking at him as he took his left hand in his right, Cas looking to it and holding it up to allow him to do so. It only took a second for that to happen before Dean began to walk to towards the bedroom, Cas followed him a little confused.

He wasn’t when they got inside.

>><< 

An hour and a half later, after they’d had sex and the knot had released them Cas had put the jogging pants Dean had lent him back on and, since Cas had insisted that he was cooking, Dean had insisted he put a t-shirt on while he was so he’d found a red _Bob Seger_ t-shirt in a drawer that said ‘Rock and Roll Never Forgets’ on it.

Cas had then cooked bocatini all’amatriciana, Dean, sat in the chair at the dining table that faced Cas, had eyed him while he was cooking wondering what the hell he was going to be served but then he got distracted by the way he slowly became disheveled as he cooked. It wasn’t in a panic but it was a result of the heat and movement. He watched the way his back moved as he chopped and transferred ingredients from one place to another, he’d watched Cas’ hair get slightly fluffy and untidy as he had stood at the oven, paying attention to the weird pan he’d found in the cupboard. It had legs and Dean decided it must have been Sam’s.

After another half an hour Cas had served it up to a waiting Dean, poured red wine and then sat down on the seat on Dean’s right, facing away from the refrigerator.

“I’m not usually a wine drinker,” Dean said as he picked up the glass. “It’s very dark.”

“Taste it,” Cas said.

Dean smiled and took a mouthful and swallowed it before he exhaled quickly and laughed as Cas smiled. “Jesus, Cas!” he said and looked to Cas who was laughing.

“You’re supposed to sip it,” Cas said and took a sip of his own drink, trying not to laugh more.

“How do I know that?” Dean said and Cas laughed into his wine. “Yeah, laugh. Hope you choke.” He smiled and took a sip and then paused, looking at the glass and raised his eyebrows then nodded. “Okay, yeah, that was better.”

Cas smiled and they picked up their cutlery to eat.

“Now, is there a certain way I gotta eat this?” Dean asked, pointed to his food. “I don’t have to like regurgitate it three times while I’m standing on one foot?”

“That’s porchetta,” Cas said.

“Ah, see, I always get those two mixed up,” Dean said and they looked at each other with a small smile before they carried on. Dean felt a little hot but ignored it, it wasn’t bad yet.

“What do you think?” Cas asked.

“It’s good,” Dean said, chewing. He could taste garlic, onion and something he couldn’t place. “The last time you bought me dinner it was pizza.”

Cas smiled. “And you didn’t eat it,” he added.

“Yeah, I know,” Dean said. “But I’m gonna eat this one.” He picked up his glass and took another drink.

“At the risk of making you feel uncomfortable…” Cas said and paused. “Are you feeling any better?”

Dean looked to his plate and cleared his throat. “I’m fine.” He looked up to Cas just looking at him. He raised his eyebrows disbelievingly and Dean sighed. “Okay. I can’t change the way I feel, not in one day?”

“I don’t expect you to,” Cas said. “I don’t expect you to change at all. I just wish you were happier, that’s all.”

Dean put his knife down and reached his right hand to Cas’ arm and squeezed it. “That’s not your fault, you know that, right?” The touch was as much of a comfort to Dean as it was supposed to be for Cas.

Cas nodded but looked to his wine glass as he put his own knife down to pick it up and take a drink.

“Cas, you don’t know what you’ve done for me. Then and now. I-” He looked around as if the words would be there and then looked to Cas again. “I never imagined I would come off of those things, even though everybody was telling me to. And I don’t know why I did, for you I mean.”

Cas hesitated as he lowered his wine glass to the table. “Maybe it was the promise that you wouldn’t be going through it alone.”

Dean slowly nodded. “Maybe,” he said and then inhaled, thinking about what they’d been doing just thirty minutes before. “Anyway, let’s not talk about it, huh?” Cas nodded as they picked up their cutlery and began eating again. “What’s uh-? Tell me about your work.”

Cas looked to him and smiled as he looked to his plate. “Do you really want to know about my work?”

“Yeah,” Dean said. “Come on,” he added.

“Well-” Cas said and exhaled, some tension escaping his body. “Okay.” He chewed more.

“What happened after you left here?” Dean asked.

Cas smiled. “I went to work the next day and was told I was in breach of company policy and dismissed.”

“On the spot?” Dean asked. “Did they pay you or-?”

“Only what I had already worked,” Cas said.

“They can’t do that!” Dean said. “Sam trained as lawyer, I’ll call him.” He stood up and walked to the phone however as he picked it up he froze.

Cas looked to his plate. “That would require telling him about me,” Cas said and Dean looked to him. “It’s okay,” Cas said with a small smile. “Honestly, Dean, it’s fine. Come back and eat.”

Dean hesitantly put the phone back and sat back down. “Sorry,” he said. “But they can’t do that.”

“They can, I violated company policy, Dean. It’s irrelevant anyway, they dismissed me. I wasn’t sure what to do, all of my references were for accounting firms, there was an advertisement in the paper a few days later and I chanced to apply.” He shrugged.

“And you got it?” Dean asked and exhaled. “Geez, Cas, talk about landing on all fours.” He smiled. “I’m happy you didn’t have much trouble.” He looked at Cas, chewing as he considered his question then decided to ask it anyway. “Would you have come to me for help if you hadn’t got a job so easily?”

Cas thought about it, mulling it over as he chewed and lifted his glass. “No,” he said before he took a drink.

Dean nodded. “Well, you can, you know? You can come to me in future.”

“Thank you, Dean,” Cas said.

“What’s it like?” Dean asked. “Going back to it all.”

Cas thought about it. “It’s a little strange. At first I was worried, the occupation and the building has the same feel to it and it brought back memories that I would have rather not remember. It’s not the same firm but it still feels and looks the same.” He paused and picked up his glass again, looking to it. “I try to tell myself that I’m not like that anymore.”

“You’re not,” Dean said and Cas looked to him. “I didn’t know you then but I know you’re not like that. You didn’t do anything, Cas.”

“I almost did,” Cas said. “It was as if I lost all rational, conscious thought.”

“But you stopped,” Dean said. “And you would never do that.” He smiled a little as Cas looked to him. “Believe me, I know.”

Cas smiled again and took a drink. “It’s all different now, at least I think so. I seem to have settled in well, I have friends, a good assistant-”

“An assistant?” Dean asked. “Hot-shot.”

“Hot what?” Cas asked.

“It means you’ve hit the big time, big important guy in an office with an assistant,” Dean said and put food in his mouth, too much.

Cas shook his head. “All of the tax managers do,” he said.

“May as well be Latin,” Dean said through a mouthful.

Cas paused, taking a break, and looked to Dean as he took another drink. “What about you? Tell me about hunting.”

“Uh…” Dean said, pausing as he tried to pick something out of his teeth at the back and flicked it with his tongue before swallowing it. “Well, we just finished picking up a woman who skipped on extortion charges in Texas and tried to make for Mexico.” Cas’ eyebrows raised but Dean laughed. “So stupid, she’s a soccer-mom from Austin and she’s trying to buy her way across the border to Tijuana, she got stiffed and ran right into us. That’s no joke, she actually collided with Garth.”

“Who is Garth?” Cas asked.

“He’s another hunter we sometimes run with. I don’t like working with him, he’s an alpha and to add to it he’s very huggy.”

Cas nodded and smiled, trying not to laugh. “I can see why that would make you feel uneasy,” he said.

“Yeah, well this time we didn’t have a choice, not really. It was his case in Texas, where he’s from, but she skipped to Arizona to cross and that meant she crossed the border which meant it was a federal bust and he hadn’t had any dealings with the Fed bondsmen before so we came on board to act as laison.”

“We?” Cas asked.

“Yeah, me and Sam, we sometimes work together. We work on different types of busts, different specialties, so we have independent cases but we team up a lot. But, ever since Jess was killed Sam doesn’t do anything else so sometimes he works with other hunters too, like when I’m in heat.”

“Can I ask about her?” Cas asked.

“Yeah, yeah,” Dean said. “She died here.” He looked around. “Place went up in flames and Sam tried to get to her but I had to drag him out.” He looked to the plate as he continued eating.

“And you’re okay living here?” Cas asked.

“Yeah, I mean, at first it was because Sam was all for giving up the lease and I thought he’d regret it later, want it back, so I lived here to keep it for him but he never came back and I got attached to it.”

“It’s a nice apartment,” Cas said. “Doesn’t Sam mind coming here?”

“He doesn’t really come here, he stays at the bunker and I usually only come here for a day or so before I get back to work, except now.”

“The bunker?” Cas asked, using his fork to push food around his plate and Dean shuffled on his seat, feeling uncomfortable suddenly. He swallowed and ignored it, he was determined to get through the meal without it.

“Yeah, we sorta come from a long line of hunters. They formed this club about a hundred years ago to try and form an honor code among hunters. Some of us can get competitive, territorial, even corrupt. It was an attempt to stop that sorta thing. Then there was this bust of the place in the sixties and most of them were arrested, our family was one of about three that weren’t charged with anything and they became more paranoid about hunting. Eventually the three families fought, they disbanded and the place lay unopened for like forty years.”

“Wow,” Cas said and took a bite, chewing it as he listened.

“Yeah, me and Sam found some old things at our dad’s old storage unit when he died a few years ago on a hunt and discovered this place. Sam and me, we argued about it. I said we couldn’t trust other hunters Sam said we had a duty to pick up from where they left off, get back to the beginning of what they tried to do. So, we opened the place to hunters, Sam refitted the security system, and it’s kinda run like the police but no one is in charge.” He tilted his head. “Except me and Sam.”

They laughed.

“Well, it’s our base,” Dean defended. “Anyone crosses the line, breaks the law, they’re out.” He shrugged. “As bounty hunters go I think that’s a fair compromise.”

Cas nodded. “I can’t say I disagree,” he said. “I didn’t know you were capable of compromise.”

Dean laughed. “Thanks,” he said and looked to Cas who just smiled at him. “Yeah, I think Sam only agreed because he was so shocked by it.”

And then they just stared at each other.

Dean was doing everything he could not to let it show, he didn’t want to stop this, he was enjoying talking and eating with Cas, something casual and not heat-induced.

“What’s it like?” Cas asked. “Hunting people down, not knowing their stories.”

“We find out their stories,” Dean said. “We don’t just lock them up, we talk to them, see who we can talk around and who we can’t.” He looked to his plate and began eating again. “We’re not cruel, we try to make ‘em see that they don’t have to be living like this. We try to save them, or give them the tools to save themselves but sometimes people don’t wanna be saved.” He put food in his mouth and chewed a few times. “They do have to be caught though.” He looked back to Cas.

“Did you ever consider becoming a police officer?” Cas asked.

“Nah,” Dean said. “I wanted to be a fireman when I was a kid though.”

“Really?” Cas asked.

“Yeah, our dad brought us up to be hunters, that’s what we were trained for but Sam went through this time where he didn’t want to do it anymore, he and my dad fought, me too if I’m honest. It was the family business and it was like he was going against us, that’s how it felt anyway. He went to law school and dad took off. I didn’t have a FRA license, I was too young. I had no experience on the job, according to them. I took up training as a fireman for a while, to get something down on paper.” Dean put food in his mouth and chewed, considering something. “I liked it,” he said and looked to Cas. “I really started to like it.”

“Why did you go back to hunting?” Cas asked.

“Dad turned up one day, saying it was time to stop screwing around and get back on the road.” Dean shrugged. “I did what I was told, that’s what a good son does.”

Cas watched him and leaned his arm across, taking Dean’s arm with his left hand. “Dean, there’s a difference between respecting your father and letting him decide your life.”

Dean shrugged, as if this wasn’t news to him. “Yeah, yeah, I know, I had this all out with Sam when Dad went missing like a month later, I came here, looking for Sam. I woke them up in the middle of the night, demanding Sam stop screwing around and hit the road. Jess was here, she lived here but her name wasn’t on the agreement, she’d moved in after.” Dean scoffed. “He agreed to help me find Dad, he’d been out on a job and we thought the offender had had something to do with it.” Dean put down his knife to lift his glass. “He was a career criminal from a long line of ‘em. Dad had a sorta vendetta against the whole family.” He took a drink.

“Can I ask why?” Cas asked.

Dean lowered his glass. “Because he was convinced they had something to do with the fire that killed my mom.”

Cas exhaled with the shock. “Dean, I’m sorry,” he said and moved his hand to Dean’s and squeezed it. Dean looked to it and then gently squeezed it back.

“Thanks,” Dean said and then when Cas made to let him go he held it a little tighter. He couldn’t deny that Cas’ touch was making him feel a little less agitated but he would be lying if he said he wasn’t using that excuse to let himself hold him like that.

Cas smiled and they lowered their hands to the table, each taking their fork in the other hand and picking at what little was left on their plates.

“Anyway, I ruined Sam’s life that day,” Cas looked at Dean worried and confused, “I strolled in like my dad had done to me and pulled him back into the life. May as well have taken a bulldozer to everything. The family torched this place when they heard we were on their tail, Jess died and Sam came back to hunting. He was determined to catch every last one of them.”

Cas put his fork down and lifted his other hand to Dean’s. “I’m so sorry, Dean,” Cas said. “I don’t even know what to say.”

Dean shrugged again. “I was the one who carried Sam outta the house when he was a baby, the place on fire.” He exhaled. “I’m just glad I managed to take the training I did before Dad came back because I dragged Sam out of here too.” He inhaled shakily as Cas let his right hand go to his wine glass. “I couldn’t have lived through that.”

“Did you find him?” Cas asked after a few seconds and Dean looked at him. “Your dad?”

“Oh!” Dean said and nodded. “Yeah, we found him. We worked a couple of cases the three of us and then he was shot by the head of the family he was chasing.”

Cas shook his head. “Life has not been kind to you has it?” he said softly and squeezed Dean’s hand again.

Dean watched him. “It’s been a bit better recently.” He smiled when Cas did and took a drink.

Dean suddenly looked away with a small inhale. “What is this stuff?” He let go of Cas’ hand and picked up his wine glass. “You tryna get me drunk and ask me questions?”

Cas’ face was serious. “I can assure you that was not my intention, Dean.”

Dean laughed gently and lifted the almost empty wine glass to his lips before he stopped to say, “I know, Cas,” then he downed what was left. “I was joking.”

“Oh,” Cas said and looked away again.

“Can I have more?” Dean asked and gestured to his glass before he put it on the table, holding the stem while Cas poured him some. “Thanks for this, Cas,” he said. “It kinda feels normal.”

Cas nodded. “That was the intention,” he said and poured some into his own glass.

“Um, not to ruin it,” Dean said and looked down as he moved the napkin from his lap. “I’m just gonna take a leak.” He put the napkin on his seat, stood up and walked into the bathroom.

When he closed the door he leaned against it and looked up with his eyes closed. He went to the toilet and pulled his pants down, using toilet paper to wipe himself and then leaned with his hands on the sink next to him as it rolled down his inner thigh.

“Normal, come on,” Dean said and exhaled. “Just get through one damn meal.”

There was a knock at the door and Dean lifted his head to look.

“Dean?” Cas said. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Dean strained and pursed his lips together as his facial expression showed annoyance at his own reaction. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

Cas hesitated. “Dean, it’s okay,” he said. “I’ll stay out here if you want but it’s okay if you don’t want me to either.” Dean hung his head again. “I can-” He stopped. “I’m surprised you’ve lasted this long.”

“What?” Dean said.

“You’ve been acting strange all the way through the meal, I wasn’t sure why but I can- I can smell why now,” he said.

Dean closed his eyes. “I just wanted one damn meal,” he said.

“I know,” Cas said. “But we can go back to it, if you let me help you.”

“How can we do that?” Dean said.

“Well, I could come in there and help you, keep my knot back and then walk out and sit back down,” he said. “Of course, I could knot you and carry you out but I can imagine how unhappy it would make you to sit on my knee at the dining table.”

Dean scoffed, a little smile appearing on his face.

“Whatever you like,” Cas said. “Or I can go back and sit down and leave you alone.”

Dean swallowed and lifted his head. “No, don’t go,” he said. “H- Help me.”

Cas pushed the door open and looked at Dean standing there. Dean watched the way his eyes traveled up and down his body, his eyes seeming to grow darker at the sight. Dean lowered his head and groaned as he felt it run further down his legs, more joining the trail at the top.

Cas walked into the bathroom and stood behind him, he didn’t waste any time because he knew that Dean would already be annoyed by having to give in. He pulled the front of his pants open and pushed into him, he barely paused before he began to move again.

Dean groaned and pushed back as Cas grunted and held onto his hips for leverage. Dean felt more of the liquid escape and push down his thighs. Cas reached around him and stroked his cock. As he swallowed he could still taste the wine and garlic and it pissed him off but he was well passed that now.

“Knot me,” he said and lifted his left hand back to fumble for Cas’ hip to pull him closer but he couldn’t find it so he grabbed Cas’ hand from his hip and pulled.

“I’ll have to pick you up to move you,” Cas said.

“I don’t care,” Dean said and pushed his hips back. “Do it, Cas, come on.” He groaned loudly and put Cas’ left hand on his chest, trying to press it there as Cas continued to thrust calmly.

Cas didn’t wait for any other permission, his hand tightened in Dean’s t-shirt and he held him tightly as he picked up his speed and thrust in harder, his mouth opening with the effort and breathing. He tucked his head down and the right side of his face rested against the left side of the back of Dean’s neck. He could feel Cas’ teeth hitting him every few thrusts, unintentional but there nonetheless.

Cas’ right hand picked up with his hips and Dean moaned while he put his hands heavily back on the sink, he looked up for a second and could see them in the mirror. For the first time since they were doing this he could see what Cas looked like when he was helping Dean through a heat moment. He tilted his head more to the right to see him better and Cas settled his head forward, more on Dean’s neck. His nostrils were flared, his mouth open, his eyes alternating between half-closed and tight. He saw Cas kiss his neck and scrape his teeth over the surface.

There was something in the way that Cas did it, as if skirting the edge of a volcano, that made Dean wish he had jumped right in. But then he closed his eyes, telling himself to stop letting his heat make him think ridiculous things and pushed back, trying to make this hurry up.

Cas felt it rumble in him, the need he had- the instinct to claim him. He wanted to sink his teeth in, to mark this omeag- this man, as his. He wanted to essentially tattoo his name on his biology. He hated himself for the feeling, the base, animal instinct that he knew Dean would hate. For a brief moment he dared to believe Dean would want it too. Like he wanted to be knotted. He had said that, right? Or was that his instinct telling him what he wanted to hear? No, he was pushing back.

Like Samandriel had.

He couldn't stop, then Dean would know that he was the weak one. He needed to hear Dean say it.

“Do you want something, Dean?” Cas said in his ear and Dean could do nothing but groan with the voice. Cas punctuated every word with a thrust, “Do- You- Want- Some-Thing?”

“Yes,” Dean said. “Cas, come on.” He exhaled. “Don’t go alpha on me.”

Cas feel soothed, as if he'd been seeing red and Dean had added yellow. Cas kissed Dean’s neck, it was gentler than before. “Sorry, baby,” he whispered in his ear and then groaned loudly as he came, the movement surprising Dean so much he gasped at the feeling, not only of that, but of the knot seated inside him, still pulsating from stimulation.

“Cas-” Dean said as Cas’ hand didn’t stop stroking him. “I’m-” Cas’ left hand scrambled to gather up Dean’s t-shirt in his fist, exposing his stomach. Dean closed his eyes tight and groaned in his throat, louder than Cas had, as he came. Cas slowed his hand a little to slow it down but the semen still hit his bare stomach and some of it rebounded and hit the edge of the sink.

Dean tensed a little when he felt it hit him and looked down to see Cas holding his t-shirt as they both breathed heavily.

“Thanks,” Dean said and let his head hang back until it hit Cas’ shoulder, Cas moved his right hand from Dean’s penis and put it on the edge of the sink to let his shoulder support Dean’s head. “Saving- t-shirt.”

“It’s okay,” Cas said and kissed Dean’s neck. “Do you feel better?”

Do you? he asked himself.

Dean nodded. “Yeah, yeah I do,” he said.

“Good,” Cas said. “Just take a minute to calm down.”

Dean heard his heavy breathing in his ear. “Yeah, you too,” he said with a smile.

Cas took a breath, trying to do just that. This was all so damn dangerous. Like walking a narrow edge of a cliff.

“Hey, question for ya?” Cas hummed in response. “I can taste garlic and onions but what else is in that food?”

“Red pepper,” Cas said.

“Red pepper!” Dean said louder. “That was annoying me.”

Cas just laughed, despite himself. Looking down into an abyss had never felt so right.

>><< 

Dean lay down on the bed that night after going to the toilet and sighed as he pulled the sheet over him. Cas lay on his right side, facing away from Dean and Dean looked at his outline with the little light coming in the window. They didn’t get a lot of light on that side of the building and there wasn’t any billboards or other apartments that could see in, it was just the side of a Walmart and the night sky. Dean often left the shade open and looked at the stars as he slept, he had no idea why. Sam had said something about when they used to sleep on the grass beside the car when their dad didn’t come back from the bar in time but Dean didn’t think too much about it. He didn’t want to ruin the sky with memories. 

Now though, he was more interested in the man between him and the view. He lifted his left hand from the sheet and put it on Cas’ side, slowly and cautiously moving it up and down his side. He felt the warmth from his skin and the slight sweat from the heat or what they had done a few hours before. Dean moved awkwardly until he got his right hand free from under himself, leaning on that elbow as he moved in closer behind Cas. He tried to slip his right hand under Cas’ neck but the movement made Cas hum and lift his head.

Dean paused before he slid his arm along the pillow and settled in behind him while Cas lowered his head again, both of them settling on the pillow.

“Sorry, did I wake you, hon?” Dean said and smiled when Cas did, the action evident from his voice.

“Yes, but that’s okay,” he lifted his left arm when he felt Dean run his hand up to his chest and hug him tightly. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Dean said. “Just wanted to do this,” he said and lifted his right arm at the elbow, pulling Cas in.

Cas chuckled and used both of his arms to hold him too, Cas hummed and neither of them said another word so they fell asleep. Dean didn’t look at the sky before he fell asleep that night, he had his eyes closed and his face turned into the pillow behind Cas’ neck. His right arm would fall to the pillow and his hold would loosen, Cas’ smile would slacken in sleep and they might pull apart a little but the sky wasn’t the last thing Dean thought about before he fell asleep and dreamed of bees by a lake.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few days too late but here it is!

Cas woke up in the early morning to a sensation buzzing around him but he couldn’t tell what it was. He heard Dean’s voice but it sounded distant and distorted. He opened his eyes and blinked a few times, trying to clear the sleep from them. He had turned onto his left in the night and it looked like Dean had done the same.

Dean was moaning, in his sleep Cas figured, and he tried to lean up on his left elbow but as he did he felt something push against his hips. He looked down as a groan fell from his lips and realized he was thrusting in and out of Dean whose eyes were closed.

“Dean!” Cas jumped, trying to pull out but Dean pushed against him.

“Cas-” Dean said.

Cas leaned around him and used his right hand to hit Dean’s face a little to try and rouse him. “Dean!” Dean was still pushing back on him and Cas bit back a groan. He pursed his lips and shook Dean forcefully then hit his face harder.

“Cas, what-!” Dean said, jumping up onto his side and looking to Cas.

Cas gestured to their hips. “Stop pushing and let me pull out,” Cas said, looking down and did so.

Dean looked down between them and the realization hit him that Cas was inside him. He was sweating and felt the familiar intense feeling of pleasure that told him he needed help from Cas but he immediately felt sick, feeling Cas pull out of him. One face appeared in his head, spitting at him and then laughing as he was dragged away. Dean wanted to get away, somehow take to his feet and run until he couldn't do it anymore.

He wasn't sure he would have the breath to do that, or anything ever again. Because the face behind him wasn't that one, it was Cas. His Cas. His entire body trembled as he saw Cas laughing at him, being dragged away as he lay on his back on the solid floor, wiping spit from his face.

Dean suddenly turned his back away from Cas and scrambled to the side of the bed. “What were you-?” He almost fell out of the bed but Cas grabbed his arm and used his other arm to haul him back onto the bed, much like the guards had helped Dean to his feet, pulling him into his arms. 

“I didn’t,” Cas said, looking over Dean’s face. “I swear, Dean, I woke up and it was already happening.” Cas felt his entire soul dropping. Could Dean really think he would, could he really imagine that Cas would  _ever_  touch him like that?

Dean pushed him off and stumbled to his feet until his back hit the wall. “These things don’t happen on their own!” He wanted to go further, to run out of the room, his room, but his feet were sliding on the floor and his knees were weak. Could his Cas ever be capable of such an act?

Cas brushed the sheets back and stood. “Dean, you must have been suffering in your sleep and I instinctively reached out for you,” he said and stepped towards him. “I would never do that, it was an accident.”

“Accidents don’t happen accidentally!” Dean said and Cas’ eyes narrowed in confusion. “Shut up,” he said. “I heard myself.” He rubbed his hands through his hair, thinking about the man in front of him who saved him doing that to him. 

“Do you really think I would do that to you?” Cas asked, trying to keep the fear in his voice contained. “Why do you think I woke you up? You were pushing back too hard on me, I needed you to stop. I don’t ever want to do that, ever.” Cas exhaled, not sure how to process the idea that Dean would be this afraid of alphas that he would think  _he_  could do that. When he spoke his voice was quiet and pleadng, “Dean, please tell me you don’t think I would do that to you.”

Dean looked at him and swallowed as he properly woke up and felt the sweat on him, the slight irritation where the sheets had been rubbing on him and the mess of liquid between his legs.

He wasn't there and he wasn't with him, he was in his room with Cas, the man who he had chosen to get him through his heats. And he'd chosen him for many reasons but the first was that he didn't scared him. Cas would never, in a million years, touch him when he didn't want him to. Dean knew that, Dean knew that better than he knew anything.

“No,” he said and Cas seemed to relax a little, feeling the gripping tremor in his stomach ease a little. “I don’t think you’d do that.” He exhaled again as he wiped his face. “I just- I panicked, I woke up and-”

“I understand,” Cas said and stepped forward again, he stopped when Dean flinched on the spot. Cas paused, no matter if Dean thought that or not, Cas wasn't going to push him. “Dean, if you’re not comfortable around me I can leave.”

“I am,” Dean said. “I just need time to get over the- the initial shock.”

Cas nodded. “I’m going to go to the bathroom,” Cas said and pointed to the doorway. “When I’m done I’ll retire to the couch.” He walked out of the room.

All of the tension left Dean’s body but he still stood there, he looked at the ruffled sheets on the bed, the evidence that two people had slept there. And he saw the two pools of liquid, the result of lying on his side and his leg moving around. He looked to his leg and saw it smeared all over his left leg and a little on his right inner thigh. He then stepped closer to the sheets to see something else. There was a faint outline where he’d been sleeping (that had been ruffled by his terrified escape), it looked like the whole area was wet. He touched it and then rubbed his fingers together, deciding it was sweat. He looked at how messed up his side and pillow were compared to Cas’.

He sighed when he heard the toilet flush and turned into the living room just as Cas sat down on the couch and pulled the blanket from the back of it. Dean walked to him and Cas looked up as Dean put his hands on Cas’ shoulders and straddled him. Cas leaned back when Dean’s hand guided him to do so and when he sank down, Cas looked down and exhaled a groan.

His hands went to Dean’s outer thighs and hips as he looked into Cas’ eyes and began to move. They stared at each other for at least ten seconds, all the while Dean rolled his hips while lifting and falling, exhaling and grunting. Just as Cas’ eyes closed Dean leaned forward and kissed him, Cas didn’t even flinch, all he did was kiss him back and run his hands up to Dean’s back, his left hand managing to cup the base of Dean’s skull and pull him in harder. Cas would gently thrust up but it was Dean who did all of the work, he didn’t need guidance this time. It was Dean whose nails dug in Cas’ shoulders and then scraped up the back of his neck and into his hair, it was he who bit Cas’ lip lightly and then didn’t pause before he resumed kissing him, it was Dean who moved in rhythm on Cas’ dick until he felt Cas’ arms tighten and he keened and moaned Dean’s name into his mouth.

And it was Dean who gently slowed his movements until Cas shuddered a little but didn’t stop kissing Cas who wasn’t complaining.

“I’m sorry,” Dean said against his lips.

“No,” Cas said and kissed him again. “I am.”

“No,” Dean repeated and then kissed him again.

>><< 

It was getting dark when the pair were eating dinner and watching TV.

“I’m telling you, it’s ‘Who are AC/DC?’” Dean said to the TV as if it were arguing with him.

 _‘Who are AC/DC?’_  the woman on the TV said.

“Yeah,” Dean said and looked as Cas stood up but then looked to the TV again, when he heard the fridge open he remembered his drink was empty. “Hon, can you bring me a beer too?”

“Sure,” Cas said and smiled as he grabbed two from the refrigerator.

There was three loud thuds at the door and Dean turned to look as Cas did too.

“Do you want me-?” He closed the refrigerator door with his side, keeping his voice lowered.

“Shhh!” Dean said loudly to him and waved his hand.

Cas saw the sudden panic on his face and the fear as the loud bangs came again. Cas put the beers down on the table, walked to the couch and stood beside Dean, putting his hand on his shoulder. Dean’s eyes closed and he felt like he could inhale again.

He jumped less when there were three bangs again.

“Dean!” Dean opened his eyes to Charlie’s voice, feeling immediate relief. “Dean, open up!” Cas looked to Dean who stood, trying to remember Sam’s words, not to be afraid of his friends.

Cas kissed him, as if in reassurance, and walked towards the bedroom.

“Dean, it’s Sam!” Charlie shouted. “Please!”

Cas paused, feeling like something was wrong, a feeling which Dean clearly mirrored as they shared a look before Cas disappeared into the bedroom and clicked his tongue, when Dean turned around he threw his pants to him then smiled and closed the door. He stood on the other side listening nervously.

Dean pulled them on to the sounds of more banging and then he opened the door wide. “What’s wrong?” He saw Charlie and Garth standing there.

“Sam’s been shot,” Charlie said.

“We have to go,” Garth said and gestured.

“What happened, where is he?” Dean said, looking between them, expecting him to be with them; hunters just went home when they were injured.

“There’s no time, come on,” Charlie said. “We’re alphas, you don’t have to worry, come on.”

“He needs clothes,” Garth said to her.

“Uh, yeah,” Dean said and shook his head as he tried to think. “I’ll put clothes on and meet you at the car.”

“I’ll wait here,” Charlie said, “walk you down.”

“Okay,” Garth said and ran away to the stairs, jogging down them while Charlie stepped into the apartment.

“I’ll be five minutes,” Dean said and walked towards the bedroom door.

Cas stepped to the side and looked at Dean as he stepped through the door and closed it.

“Are you okay?” Cas whispered.

“I’m sorry, I’m gonna have to cut out,” Dean whispered as he grabbed his t-shirt.

“I understand,” Cas said. “What do you want me to do?”

“You can stay here if you want, if not there’s a spare key in the box with my gun, use that to lock the door on your way out. It’s up to you, I don’t know when I’ll be back.”

“Will you be alright, with your heat?” Cas asked, watching Dean pull boots on.

“I’ll have to be, my brother has been shot,” Dean said.

“Who are you talking to?” Charlie asked from outside and Cas leaped to the other side of the door so that when Charlie opened it he was behind it.

“No one,” Dean said and when Charlie looked at him suspiciously he sighed. “My mom,” he said.

“Oh,” Charlie said and nodded. “Sorry.” She closed the door again.

Dean looked up. “Sorry, Mom,” he muttered and looked to Cas with wide eyes.

Cas didn’t move and when Dean got to the door he put his hand out to Dean’s arm. “It’ll be alright, Dean,” he said.

“I hope so,” Dean said and hesitated before he leaned and kissed Cas then left the room, leaving the door open behind him. “Right, come on,” he said to Charlie who had given the two beers a look then transferred it to the two plates in the sink and the empty can on the table as well as she’d turned the TV off.

Dean closed the door and locked it before he put the key in his pocket and walked with Charlie down the stairs who was already explaining the situation.

Cas stepped from behind the door and looked around the bedroom. He then walked to the dining table and picked up the beers. He looked to them, walked to the couch and sat before he lifted the remote and put the TV back on.

 

Dean and Charlie began to jog down the steps.

“Okay, so we were in Springfield, one state over, chasing one of the Demon cousins-”

Dean sighed heavily. “Which one this time?”

“Azazel,” Charlie said. “Murder, assault with a deadly weapon and abduction charges.”

“Sounds peachy,” Dean said as they turned on a landing and continued to descend.

“Yeah, anyway, we stormed a biker bar where he was hiding out. We had him cornered but one of his minions, Jake, tried to stab me and Sam jumped in, turning his back on Azazel who then shot him in the right shoulder.”

“Dick,” Dean said and stopped near the bottom, gripping the banister and closing his eyes as he groaned. “I forgot my gun,” he strained.

“It’ll be fine,” Charlie said and put her arms around Dean, helping him to the lobby where Garth helped him.

Dean looked to Garth with a small ounce of suspicion left but also thinking about how their presence only reassured him because he knew that two alphas could protect him, however it didn’t calm him and it didn’t make him feel better. Not like Cas did.

He closed his eyes and groaned again as the liquid rolled down his thigh and they got to the car.

“Give me the key,” Charlie said and Dean just stared at her. “You can’t drive like this.” He sighed when she rummaged in his pocket and got it for him.

“Come on,” Garth said and helped him into the backseat while Charlie got in the driver’s seat.

Dean watched Garth go around the side and get in the back with him.

“What are you doing?” Dean said as he closed the door and Charlie started the car and pulled off.

“Trying to make you feel better,” Garth said as he pulled Dean to his side and put his hand on Dean’s forehead.

“Get off me,” Dean said and shoved him away.

“An alphas touch will help you,” Garth said and pulled Dean in again.

“Get off me, man!” Dean said, pushing him more aggressively that time. He wasn’t helping; he was wrong, it was all wrong. It should have been Cas. He thought about the way he’d touched his arm, the way he’d been so upset by this morning, the way he’d gone to the couch. He thought about the way he hadn’t left when Dean had gone off at him. He wondered if he was still in Dean’s apartment.

“You smell weird,” Garth said.

“What?” Dean said.

“You smell weird,” Garth said and sniffed him.

“You  _are_  weird,” Dean said. “Stop smelling me, man.” He shivered and thought about the last alpha who had been in his space and unwanted like this. The way Cas had stood between them but he didn’t speak for him, when the alpha spoke to Dean Cas didn’t say anything. He just stood there, ready to protect him.

“You do smell weird,” Charlie agreed.

“My brother’s been shot and you two are ganging up on me,” Dean said and felt emotion gather behind him eyes. “I’m on my fourth day and I’m surrounded by alphas, sniffing me and touching me. I smell weird because I’m uncomfortable, I’m- I’m scared.”

“Don’t be scared,” Charlie said softly, looking in the rear view mirror.

“Yeah, I was just tryna help,” Garth said and slid away from Dean, looking hurt. “I’m sorry.”

Dean watched him and then rolled his eyes. “Don’t be sorry, man,” Dean said and Garth looked at him. “But just don’t try to help okay, it makes me smell weird apparently.”

“Okay,” Garth said.

“You do smell weird though,” Charlie said and Dean groaned in frustration.

“I’m an omega in the later stages of my heat, excuse me if I don’t smell like roses.”

“Syrup,” Garth said and Charlie looked at him. “You smell like syrup.”

Dean tried not to smile but the idea of smelling like Cas made him feel sort of happy and proud. “I do?” he said.

“Yeah,” Garth said. “And-” He sniffed. “Syrup and something…” He rubbed his fingers together as if irritated. “Something that irks me, I don’t know why.”

“Yeah, I get it,” Charlie said and they looked to her. “It’s like when you can smell another alpha.”

“Yeah, exactly!” Garth said.

“And I’m the weird one,” Dean said and looked out of the window, trying to avoid anyone asking anything more.

 

Dean followed Charlie and Garth through the hospital grounds and found the emergency room reception.

“What happened?” a nurse asked them, trying to take Dean’s arm.

“What?” Dean said and pulled back from her. “No, no I’m fine.”

“Sir, we’re here to help,” she said.

“He’s in heat,” Charlie said.

“He’s fine,” Garth said and stepped towards her as if possessive and she turned away.

“My brother,” Dean said, starting to shake as he looked to the receptionist.

“Sam Winchester,” Charlie said to her. “GSW to the right shoulder.”

“The bounty hunter?” the woman asked and Garth nodded. “Cubicle eight,” she said and pointed to her left.

They nodded, Dean trying to say thank you, and then walked around to the cubicles. They found the right one, by now Dean was being held up by Charlie and Garth was too afraid to touch him.

Garth poked his head in the curtain and then pulled the curtain back to reveal Sam lying on a bed talking to an attractive woman who had been stitching up his wound and was now standing, smiling and playing with her hair.

“Yeah, exactly,” Sam said and then they turned to look at the three newcomers. “Dean,” Sam said and smiled to him. “You look like hell.”

“Bite me,” Dean said and limped to a chair that Garth pulled close to the side of the bed for him.

“I’ll go,” the woman said and began to leave.

“It was nice to meet you,” Sam said and they smiled at each other before she left.

“Nice,” Charlie said, pulling the bars up at Sam’s left side and then leaning on them.

“What are you doing here?” Sam asked Dean. “You really do look like hell.”

“You look fine, why did you drag me down here if he was fine?” Dean said and looked to Charlie.

“We didn’t know!” Charlie said. “Where is Chrissy?”

“Chrissy?” Dean asked.

“One of the hunters kids,” Sam explained. “Her dad came and got her, I think the only reason he didn’t punch me was my shoulder.”

“You mean that girl who went looking for him last year?” Dean asked. “Why did you bring them on a hunt?”

“He didn’t,” Garth said. “He brought  _her_.”

“What?” Dean asked. “She’s a minor!”

“I needed a distraction,” Sam said. “She wanted to help, they almost killed them both, she wanted revenge.”

“And you used her!” Dean said and then groaned, doubling over in his seat. “You can’t do that,” he strained.

“Dean, you need to go home,” Sam said. “You need to call someone.”

“No,” Dean said and looked up at his brother. “You could have gotten her killed!”

“I had no one else to go with!” Sam shouted back and the place fell silent.

“So this is my fault?” Dean asked.

“That’s not what I’m saying,” Sam said. “But we hunted younger than Chrissy, she knows what she’s doing.”

“Tough!” Dean said breathlessly. “That was Dad’s doing, you can’t-” He groaned, his entire insides feeling as if they were somewhere between on fire and shivering and he held his stomach. “Dammit.”

“Take him home,” Sam said to Charlie.

“Yeah,” Charlie said and leaned to lift Dean up.

“Sam, you were just shot!” Dean said.

“I’m fine,” Sam said. “You’re not. I’m gonna come over and look after you when I get out of here.”

“No,” Dean said in panic and leaned on Charlie as he let her lift him up. “No, I’ll be fine. I’m going home, but you stay here.” He pointed to Sam but looked to Garth. “Make sure he doesn’t leave until they say.”

“Dean-” Sam said.

“I mean it, Sam. I’m going, I’m doing what you want, you give me something back.” Dean limped toward the curtain and pointed to Sam. “I’ll shoot you myself.”

Sam scoffed and looked away. “Fine,” he said.

Charlie led Dean away out of the curtain and down to hall towards the entrance again.

“He’s right,” Charlie said. “You should call someone.”

“I’m fine,” Dean said.

“Yeah, you smell it,” Charlie said and stopped by the door. “Let me get the key.” She let go of Dean beside an open doorway and walked to a nearby table to lean her bag on and look for the keys. Dean glanced to her, to see where she was going but when she stopped just a few steps away Dean leaned his weight on the side of the doorway and closed his eyes, exhaling, thinking about Cas and trying not to inhale. Now that he'd seen that Sam was okay and the fear was gone he could function again and that meant smelling the various alphas in the room. It was like an apothecary of different aromas, not all good. Dean just wanted to be able to see and he felt like he might faint if he didn't get home again soon.

There was a woman standing by the water cooler who was watching him. She was in a long black dress and heels with short mouse-brown hair. She smirked when he looked at her and then walked over.

“Hey,” she said, appraising him.

Charlie looked over her shoulder at her, sensing immediately that she wasn't much of a challenge. “He’s not available,” she said and continued searching in her bag and jacket pockets for the keys.

She glared at her and then looked to Dean, stepping into his space and tilted her head. When Dean turned so that she couldn’t get to his neck she leaned back and smiled.

“Playing hard to get?” she asked.

Dean could smell her, she smelled like make-up powder, money and the hint of a cat. It just made him angry, or would have if he’d had the energy “Char-” Dean said, making her look up.

“Hey!” Charlie said and pushed the woman off, standing in front of Dean. “I said back off.”

The woman stepped towards Charlie and they both straightened up, looking at each other.

“He’s marked,” Charlie said.

“Is he?” she said and inhaled before she smirked. “Not by you.”

Dean was so sick of everything, he just wanted this to stop, he was so sick of feeling like this already. This was a heat without an alpha and it was a long time since he'd felt this. He was emotional, in pain and his brother had just been shot; he had no time to be standing around watching an alpha fight when all he wanted to do was go home and be with Cas. If he was still there.

“For god’s sake,” Dean said and began to walk out.

The pair turned to look.

“Dean!” Charlie said and followed him.

“I need to go home,” Dean stumbled and the other woman dipped to catch him.

“I can take you there,” she said and smirked to him.

“Let me go,” Dean said and pushed her off. “I have an alpha.”

Charlie dipped to put Dean’s arm around her neck and kept walking.

The woman watched them and sighed. “Freaks.” She turned back into the hospital.

“What happened to being afraid of alphas?” Charlie asked as she helped him to the car.

“I feel like I’m burning from the inside out and my brother was just shot, screw alphas,” Dean said and Charlie smiled.

 

Charlie helped Dean up the steps to his apartment and held him up while he stood at the door, trying to find the right key.

Dean closed his eyes. He could smell the traces of Cas from his apartment as if he were right in front of him and Dean leaned forward, his hands still in front of him as he let himself lean against the door, longing for him to be near, to just be near.

“Dean?” Charlie asked and pulled him back from it. “Dean, you need help.” She put the back of her hand to his forehead.

He hissed as if it burned; it didn’t help him, it made him feel itchy.

“What’s wrong?” Charlie said. “Does that help?” She did it again.

Dean shirked away from her. “No, no, doesn’t.”

He managed to open the door but his keys slipped from his hands as he did so. Charlie dipped to catch them as Dean pushed the door open with a stumbled step inside the apartment. There was some low light from the lamp at the side of the couch and it illuminated a bag on the floor below it which Dean knew wasn’t his.

“Uh,” Dean said and spun on the spot, his right hand tight on the door handle, blocking her entry into the apartment, and looked at Charlie as she straightened back up. “Thanks, Charlie. I’ll be good now.” He put his hand out and forced himself to smile, knowing he was speaking louder than usual.

Cas was asleep in Dean's bed, on Dean's side, having felt immediately exhausted when Dean had left. He smelled Dean before he heard him, and it was this smell that woke him up almost immediately. 

"Dean?" he mumbled and sat up, rubbing his hair.

“You can barely walk,” Charlie scoffed and tried to walk passed him but he didn’t move. “At least let me get you into bed.”

Cas stopped when he heard this and tried to sleepily place the voices.

“You hitting on me?” Dean asked sarcastically.

“You wish,” Charlie said, Cas realized Dean must be back and looked to the clock, expecting it have been hours since he'd left but it had barely been over an hour.

“Seriously, Chaz, I’ll be good. Appreciate it.” He smiled and slowly but insistently took the keys from her.

She looked at him for a beat and then figured that perhaps her presence was making him uncomfortable, as an omega in heat having an alpha near him must be messing with him no matter who she was and maybe having her in his home was too much. “Okay,” she said and nodded. “But you’ll call me if you need me?”

“Yeah,” Dean said and nodded too. “Sure will.”

“Yeah,” Charlie said, her face disbelieving, “sure you will.” She turned and began to walk away.

Dean waved awkwardly to her back and closed the door, locking it.

“Cas!” he called, trying to whisper at the same time, as he dumped the keys on the table and walked to the back of the couch, gripping it with his hands. Cas pulled the sheets off and bounded up.

Dean’s bedroom door opened and Cas appeared, first ducking his head out and then stepping out once he saw the coast was clear. He was wearing Dean’s jogging pants but that was it. His hair told Dean he’d been sleeping and the puffiness of his eyes concurred.

“Dean?” Cas asked.

Dean groaned, tightened his grip and leaned his hips back making Cas run forward, to his right side and put his arm around his back, lifting his right arm over Cas’ shoulder. “How is Sam?”

Even the quick touch of Cas’ hand on his as he pulled Deans arm tight, making sure it was secure there, was enough to make Dean feel like he could breathe a little easier. Where Charlie’s touch had been like acid Cas’ was like aloe vera.

“It was a through-through, he’s fine,” Dean said and leaned his head against Cas heavily. “I’m worried about him,” he admitted with no idea as to why.

“Bed?” Cas asked.

“Yeah,” Dean said and they began to limp through.

“Why are you worried?” Cas asked.

Dean sighed, he was tired and stressed. There was no point in admitting he was worried and not expecting follow-up questions. On top of that he had the feeling that if he told Cas to forget it he would and yet for some reason that made it all the more easy to let his mouth run away with him while his body was in too much turmoil to keep up the usual barriers.

“He took Chrissy on a ride-a-long, used her as bait. She’s just a kid,” Dean said.

“How does he know her?” Cas asked, pausing while Dean took a small break just before the door frame.

“She’s one of the hunter’s kids,” Dean said. “He blames me.”

They started walking again.

“He blames you for what?”

“For not being there,” Dean said. “For being on my heats. I’m leaving him to hunt on his own.”

“But you said that there were a lot of hunters that go through the bunker, he could hunt with anyone during the one week every three months you’re off and you both usually hunt alone anyway,” Cas said as he helped Dean sit on the bed.

“I know,” Dean said.

Before Cas could walk back to the bedroom door Dean put his hands on Cas’ hips and dragged his nose along Cas’ bare stomach, just above his pants. The aroma was something Dean never wanted to stop smelling, he could almost track it drifting in through his nostrils and into his lungs. It soothed him while also keeping something in him awake, like a biological lazy smirk. He could taste Cas on his tongue and lips when he gently kissed him and it just doubled the feeling, it ran down his throat with his saliva and went to his head. He was inhaling sweetness while it filled his insides. He idly remembered as a child when he’d been given something like candy, he was always told it was a treat. That felt like an apt description right now, something rare and to be savored. But something that came with consequences too, like thirst or the need for physical exercise. He tried not to wonder what the consequence of this treat would be and considered if whatever it was would be worth it.

“Dean?” Cas asked. “Are you okay?”

“No,” Dean said and kissed his stomach again, sucking on the skin. “Cas, please.” His hands moved to Cas’ back and buttocks. “Please.” Cas watched him hook his left index finger into the band of the jogging pants Cas was wearing and then stop, looking up at Cas. Whether Dean was asking for permission or just asking Cas not to make him beg, Cas wasn’t sure but it didn’t matter.

Cas just nodded.

Dean pulled it down a little and kissed the skin there while Cas’ right hand moved to run his fingers through Dean’s hair. Dean ran his tongue over the skin and then he sucked it again, each time the sensation pulsed in him. He didn’t feel like this would give him a sugar high but that it had the capacity to make him ill after it was all over. Because Dean knew everything he touched turned to ash. He tried to push those thoughts away, he didn’t want to ruin this, he would think about that when he came to it. He just knew that he wanted him, he wanted to be surrounded by him and, in his lust-filled brain, forgetting why, he wished he hadn’t had to leave him in the first place never mind leave ever again. He knew it was his hormones, it had to be, but maybe he was allowed to let them affect him without them taking over who he was.

“I missed you,” Dean said against his stomach before his brain let him think about the words and he froze.

Cas smiled a little, knowing that Dean only meant that he missed the way he helped his heat. “Good,” he said and Dean glanced up before he continued. “Come lie down,” Cas said.

“Can’t,” Dean said and pulled his pants further down at the front. He took Cas tip in his mouth and sucked gently.

Cas watched him until he had to close his eyes and hummed. “If- If you want my knot you’ll have to at least turn around.”

Dean’s mouth opened as he moaned gently, fell back to the bed and let his head hang back heavily, as if he couldn’t bring himself to do anything for more than a few seconds. “Help me?” he said and looked up.

Cas leaned down and lifted Dean’s legs onto the bed, he used this as a cue to move back a little and then he unbuttoned his jeans before he began to turn around. Cas put his hands on Dean’s hips and held them up as Dean leaned on his elbows and lowered his head to the bed with a strained groan. Cas pulled his jeans and underwear down at the back and then ran his hand down his buttock.

The strength of the smell hit Cas and he closed his eyes while a half-groan, half-growl escaped his throat. He wasted no time in pushing into Dean but then stopped as Dean moaned in what sounded like painful relief.

“Do it hard,” Dean said.

“Dean-” Cas warned and started to move slowly, holding Dean’s hips.

“Cas, come on!” Dean said, pushing his hips back against Cas’ hold. “I’m telling you to do it, I’ve told you before. I’m not-” He exhaled. “I  _want_  it. I’ve tried not to beg like every other damn omega but I do want it, Cas. I want it  _hard_.” He grunted in frustration. “Sounds pathetic,” he said to himself.

Cas exhaled and picked up his speed a little, refusing to give in. He tried to think about his breathing exercises to keep himself in check.

Dean felt ridiculously hot in his jacket and clothes. He tried to take his jacket off but could barely lift his head. Cas stopped moving and Dean protested.

“Just unzip it and I’ll help,” Cas said.

“It’s not- not zipped,” Dean said and put his right hand back so Cas could pull his sleeve off, then he let it fall heavily to the bed and did the same with his left. Cas let it drop to the floor and began to move again, just as slowly and gently.

“Better?” he asked.

“I really need you to give me more,” Dean said as Cas slowly moved in and out. He felt like he was going to explode and Cas again didn't change what he was doing, it wasn't enough, it was never going to be enough, not when Dean felt this way.

He could barely handle it anymore, the way he was feeling, the burning frustration.

And then he snapped, screwing his eyes tight.

“Cas, stop!” he shouted suddenly, his eyes still closed.

Cas stopped immediately. “Dean?”

Dean was shaking his head as his forehead rested on his loosely closed right fist. “I’m sorry, but I need more and if you can’t give me it then we may as well stop,” he said.

“If that’s what you want, I just don’t want to hurt you-”

“I may as well find another alpha,” Dean said, more to himself, and Cas paused, looking at him. “God knows I get enough offers,” Cas suddenly felt angry, “like the alpha at the damn hospital.”

“What alpha?” Cas asked, his eyes narrowing and something flexing in his neck.

Dean’s voice raised a little as he spoke to Cas rather than himself, “There was an alpha chick at the hospital, she tried to-”

“What?” Cas asked, leaning over Dean’s back to see his face better. “She tried to what?” Cas practically demanded the information.

Dean was too deep in his heat to notice the tone. “She tried to scent me-”

“Tried?” Cas asked, his nostrils flaring, his eyes trained on Dean’s neck. He imagined a tall beautiful alpha scenting him there, laughing, kissing him, touching him. Smirking while Dean whimpered. Cas wondered if it’d be in want or fear and while he didn’t want Dean to ever be afraid he tried to decide which would be worse.

“Yeah, I shut her down,” Dean said. “Pushed her away when she tried to help me walk.”

“She touched you?” Cas asked.

“Yeah,” Dean said and exhaled as his face became tight. He felt like hell and all he could think of was being fucked until he couldn’t walk again, that was all he wanted. And he wanted Cas to do it. But he wasn’t going to force him to do something he didn’t want to, so maybe they weren’t compatible even as lovers. “Listen, Cas, I-” Dean stopped. It would hurt to walk away but maybe it’d be the best, maybe getting out now would be the best thing for the both of them. And it wasn’t as if Dean was being unreasonable, they clearly needed different things. “I don’t know if-”

Cas thought about how hard it must have been for an omega in heat, suffering, to refuse an interested alpha. And Cas wonder if it was because Sam was in hospital or- He dared to think for a second that it was him. “You want me to be rougher?” Cas said, his voice matter-of-fact.

Dean paused. “Well, yeah, but I know you don’t-”

“May I try?” Cas asked and Dean felt his hand rub the side of Dean's neck, it was the equivalent of scenting Dean, which was done when scenting just wasn't possible.

“Try what?” Dean asked and moved his head to the right, letting Cas have access without thinking, his tight eyes loosening a little with the touch.

“To give you what you want,” Cas said and ran his nails through Dean's hair.

Dean paused, his heart in his throat, before he nodded. “Yeah,” he said. “Only if you want to. Yeah.”

He felt Cas move his legs behind Dean, pushing him further onto the bed and then his hands moved over Dean’s hips.

Cas exhaled purposely and closed his eyes, thinking about everything he’d read and watched over his lifetime, trying not to give in to his primal instincts. He felt overcome with rage with the notion that another alpha had tried to approach Dean. He remembered the alpha Sam had hired and the way he’d been in Dean’s space, how he had tried- How he had  _succeeded_  in scenting Dean’s neck. He remembered how scared Dean had sounded when he’d called Cas’ name, without even knowing he was there. And then he wondered again how Dean had reacted to this alpha, he’d said he’d shot her down but Cas was still irked by the idea that he couldn’t even go to the hospital to see his brother without being cornered.

Cas didn’t want to admit it but he felt possessive, he felt like he should have been there to protect Dean. As he gently touched the finger on his left hand to where his penis disappeared into Dean’s hole he heard his voice in his head say the words he’d never say outside.

 _I should have been there to protect_ my _omega,_  he admitted to himself, however untrue he knew it was; Dean wasn’t his.

Cas pursed his lips together and inhaled, thinking about what Dean had said, he didn’t want Cas for Cas, he wanted the right alpha, that little inkling that Cas had had that Dean had rejected her for him was replaced by the reality of the words that Dean had said. As much as that hurt Cas knew he wanted to keep seeing Dean, and if that was to happen he’d have to give Dean what he needed from him.

He closed his eyes and took a minute.

Choice phrases he’d read or heard from videos and his therapist over the years ran through his head in a few seconds.

_Breathing exercises... lower blood pressure… be strong… Why do you feel this way, Castiel?... It’s natural… acupuncture… cannabis oils… incense… Thai chi… But you didn’t hurt him, you wouldn’t have been hurting him. It’s natural, Castiel. Natural, Castiel. You’re an alpha, it’s natural Castiel. Swimming… flexing exercises… hormone replacement therapy… Count to ten… You can control yourself… Letting go is not a failure… Maybe finding the right omega… What about a beta… And you can let go without fear, Castiel. It’s natural, Castiel. Medical castration… Let go…_

“Cas?” Dean said and Cas’ eyes opened. “Are you okay? You don’t have to-”

“Yes,” Cas said. “And I know.”

Dean felt Cas slowly move out almost all the way and then push in just as slowly. But there was something about the grip on Dean’s hip that said it was different. He held him steadier than he ever had and Dean wasn’t wrong, Cas gradually picked up his speed. His thrusts became more forceful as the speed increased and it wasn’t long before Dean was gripping the bed sheets and moaning loudly.

Dean had been slipping forward with the thrusts behind him so Cas’ put his knees on the edge of the bed, the balls of his feet still on the floor. He slowly lifted to kneel on the bed behind Dean and began pulling his hips back in time with the thrusts.

“Aw, fuck!” Dean shouted into the bed and Cas watched liquid squeeze out of his hole around Cas’ cock.

“Do you like that, Dean?” he asked, through heavy breaths.

“Yes!” Dean called without hesitation and then moaned louder.

Cas felt a rumble in his throat, the way Dean was whimpering and pushing back on him, he’d never heard Dean this way before. The idea that he could have been doing this for him this whole time spurred him on. He pushed harder, his mouth open, and he could hear himself grunting.

“Cas, God!” Dean keened and felt heat rush to his crotch out of the blue. He felt like he was going to come and he didn’t feel prepared for it but it was going to happen anyway. “Fuck!” he shouted and bit into the bed sheets briefly as it hit him then groaned for the duration.

“Dean,” Cas said and then opened his mouth a little wider before he bit his bottom lip and groaned loudly as he came. He heard Dean whimper as he pushed his knot in further while riding out his orgasm. “Dean,” he said again after a period of silence and then bent forward to put his hands on the mattress at either side of Dean’s head, pushing Dean to lying flat.

“Cas,” Dean said into the sheets and in response Cas pushed his hips forward, making Dean groan again.

Cas caught his breath and then looked to the side of Dean’s face, even though he hadn’t moved it from being buried in the sheets. “Is-” He exhaled as Dean turned his head to the right and opened his eyes with difficulty to look at Cas. “Was that more acceptable or do you still want me to go?”

Dean shook his head. “I never wanted you to go, Cas,” Dean said and exhaled forcefully as his head fell forward again. “I was just a mess. But yeah, that was-” He swallowed a dry breath. “More than acceptable.”

Cas nodded and hung his head. Dean watched him close his eyes and then looked to the right suddenly, as if at something. Dean watched him and tried to move closer but Cas looked further away.

“Cas?” Dean said and Cas hummed. “Cas, look at me.” Cas took a beat and then looked to Dean. He looked in pain. “Did you pull something?” He looked down to what he could see of Cas’ chest as he shook his head. “Then what’s wrong?” Cas shook his head again and looked away. “Hey, hon, look at me, please.” Dean wriggled his right hand from under them and put it on Cas’ face, turning it to look at him. “What’s wrong?”

“When you said you may as well get another alpha, that hurt me,” Cas admitted in a soft voice.

Dean closed his eyes and nodded. “I’m sorry, Cas,” he looked at Cas who nodded, somewhat disbelievingly. “I really am, I just felt like I was on fire inside. I was trying to remember about not forcing you to give me your knot-” Cas remembered the way Dean had stopped and looked up to Cas, a silent question in the look on his face. “- But I mean, I was sitting in the hospital making noises I should never make in front of my brother and then I saw you were still here and I just- I needed you. I didn’t need anyone else, Cas, I needed  _you_. But I still needed more from you, more  _of_  you.” He looked over Cas’ face. “I’m so sorry, Cas. And I know apologizing doesn’t make doing it okay but it’s all I can do. I’m trying, I hope you know that.”

“I do,” Cas said. “I can see you trying.”

“I don’t mean to hurt you,” Dean said and looked to the bed briefly.

“Did  _I_  hurt  _you_?” Cas asked, lifting his left hand to run up and down Dean’s back.

“No,” Dean said and smiled. “No, Cas, you didn’t. I need to get out of these clothes though.”

“Are you too hot?” Cas asked as he tried to lift up onto his arms again, moving to kiss the right side of Dean’s neck.

“No,” Dean said, baring his neck. “I’m a mess, I came in my pants.”

“You came?” Cas said and leaned to see Dean who turned his head to look at Cas then smiled bashfully.

“Yeah, shut up.” He looked to the bed and laughed.

Cas smiled and kissed under his jaw then stopped, inhaling and then pulled back. He could smell money and something akin to perfume. “That alpha, she  _tried_  to scent you or she did?”

“She tried,” Dean said and then looked to the side a little, to Cas. “Why, can you smell her?”

“I can smell something,” Cas said. His voice became baser before he added, “And I don’t like it.”

Dean found himself smiling a little. “You don’t like it?” Dean asked and Cas grunted in the negative. “The smell or the smell on me?”

Cas nosed over the skin. “I don’t like it on you,” Cas admitted and then kissed Dean’s neck hard, scraping his teeth over the skin as he pulled away. There was a second before he kissed it again. “Tastes horrible,” he said and kissed his skin, pushing his tongue into the skin, trying to cover it up.

“Yeah,” Dean said and lifted his right hand, which had fallen to the bed when Cas had moved, to cup the right side of Cas’ head to his neck. “I can’t believe you stayed.”

“I wanted to make sure you were okay, baby,” Cas said.

“I’m on day four, I’m not okay when you’re not there,” Dean said.

“Your brother was just shot, that’s what I meant,” Cas said and nipped Dean’s neck.

Dean smiled a little. Nips like that were signs of affection from alphas to omegas, usually while in committed relationships – like forehead kisses. Dean knew that usually he’d probably freak out – not that he’d had the experience of it before but he could tell he’d feel uncomfortable – make some excuse and pull away from the guy as quick as possible however, apart from the fact that they were stuck together, Dean took it in the context of what they were talking about – it was the equivalent of offering to drive Dean to the hospital or running a hand through his hair to calm him down.

“You going soft, Cas?” Dean asked.

“No, it’ll still be a while before my knot calms enough for us to release but I can turn us if you need to take your pants off,” Cas replied.

“Right,” Dean said, internally laughing off Cas’ innocence, and felt Cas kiss his neck again. “Yeah, help me get these off.” Dean shifted under Cas.

>><< 

Dean dragged himself up in the middle of the night to the sound of the door to his apartment opening. He looked to his right and saw that the space beside him was empty.

“Cas?” Dean mumbled as he tried to rub his right eye and moved to the side of the bed to stand up.

The door closed and he heard a crash inside the apartment, it made him stop and try to think about where his gun was – by the door – and how he could get to it.

“Dean!” Sam’s voice traveled.

Dean ran into the living room area and saw Sam on the floor with one of the dining chairs on its side next to him.

“Sam!” Dean ran to him, sliding down on his knee. “What’s going on?”

Sam was holding his right shoulder. “Where were you?”

“What?” Dean said. “Sam-” That’s when Dean saw the blood coming from Sam’s shoulder. “Are you bleeding?”

“I was shot,” Sam said. “I think I’m allowed to bleed. Where the hell were you!” he demanded and then his breathing returned to harsh, sweat and dirt all over his face and neck.

“I’m on my heat, Sam, you know that? What are you doing out of the hospital?”

“Heat!” Sam said and then groaned in pain. “You left me on my own, for what? To get laid!”

“Sam!” Dean said. “You knew I was gone? You didn’t have to go on your own, what about Charlie or Garth, I thought you took Chrissy?”

“They’re all dead, Dean,” Sam said.

“What?” Dean scoffed.

Sam grabbed Dean’s t-shirt with his bloody hand and pulled him closer, his face morphing from pain to anger. Dean could smell wet mud, vinegar and burning paper. “They’re… All… Dead.” He pushed Dean away. “It’s all your fault, Dean,” he said. “I watched them die and now you can watch me die.”

“What, Sammy, I don’t understand?” Dean said, looking over him.

“You abandoned us,” Sam said. “And now we’re all dead. Just like Jess. Just like Mom and Dad.” He strained in pain, his body shaking a little.

“Sam, you’re not making sense,” Dean said. “Put pressure on that.” He pushed his left hand into Sam’s wound. “I’ll call-”

Sam groaned in pain, his teeth baring. He grabbed Dean’s hand and pushed it away, blood spilling out again. “Let me die, Dean!”

“No!” Dean said and pushed Sam to the floor to put pressure on his shoulder.

“I mean it!” Sam screamed as he pushed his brother off, to the side. Dean leaned up to look at him in confusion. “You deserve to see this,” he said. “You’ve done this, this is your fault. Everyone we know is dead, all because you-” Sam pulled himself across the floor towards Dean using his bloody left hand, Deans eyes widening in horror. “-You had to be weak, you had be a weak little omega.” He loomed over his brother. “You had to beg like a little slut to be fucked-”

“Sam-” Dean said, feeling like he was shrinking, like the room was getting darker and darker while Sam was becoming bigger and deformed above him, his voice distorting into something unnatural and horrifying.

“You did this, Dean!” Sam shouted, it was deep and echoed as if from the bowels of hell itself. “You had to give in, you had to let someone own you, you abandoned me to lie on your back. That’s why Chrissy is dead, that’s why Charlie, Garth, Ellen, Jo, Bobby, Kevin- They’re all dead! And it’s your fault, Dean!” Dean flinched when Sam suddenly started repeating his name over and over. Dean called out in fear when Sam reached out his hand and shook Dean violently.

“Stop!” Dean shouted as he sat up in bed.

“Dean?” Cas said and shook him again.

Dean turned his head to look at Cas who was kneeling at his right side. The covers had been pushed to the bottom and Dean realized he was melting with the heat, sweat covered almost every inch of him and he could feel one drop running down the right side of his face while his mouth hung open with his panicked breathing.

“Dean, are you okay?” Cas said, looking from Dean’s left eye to his right and back again nervously.

“Cas-” Dean said and reached out his right hand to cup the back of Cas’ head as he closed his eyes and exhaled. “You’re still here.”

“Of course I am,” Cas said. “We were asleep and then you started shouting and twisting violently.”

“Dream,” Dean said. “Just a bad dream.” He moved to the left side, standing from the bed and stumbled to the doorway. He stopped and looked to the dining table. The four chairs were pushed in like they had been when Dean and Cas had gone to bed and the floor was clean. There was no blood and no Sam. “Just a dream,” he muttered to himself as he began to walk heavily through the room to the bathroom.

When he came out he found his cellphone and called his brother to see how he was, Cas didn’t mention it when he got back into bed and Dean was grateful for it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a little late, I completely forgot because I'm still on holiday! Enjoy!

Dean woke up in another sweat with a groan escaping from his lips as he opened his eyes and regained consciousness. He had begun to lean up to his left in the process, planning to lean on his right elbow, and it took a second before he felt the slight tightening of the arm around his waist. It was then that he became aware that he was facing Cas who had him against his chest. He felt Cas’ left arm under his neck and when he looked to Cas’ head it was tipped up and he saw the imprint in the pillow where Dean’s head had been underneath his chin, tucked in to Cas’ neck. He realized that at some point they’d assumed the position of the protective alpha and the vulnerable or scared omega.

Dean looked to Cas’ arm slightly tight on Dean’s skin and then back to Cas’ face, his eye lids were twitching as if he was aware that Dean was awake but couldn’t quite wake himself up yet. He mumbled something with one syllable but Dean didn’t catch it.

Dean didn’t want to think about the nightmare or whether he’d reached for Cas to protect him or if Cas had sought to take away his fear. He just wanted to cool down a little so he put his left hand on Cas’ wrist in the process of gently lifting it away so he could go and take a cold shower. But as he did that Cas turned his hand and took Dean’s gently, interlacing their fingers.

“S’alright,” Cas mumbled, his eyes still closed. “It’s okay, Dean.” He cleared his throat and pulled Dean’s hand towards his neck to rest it there and then put his hand on Dean’s back, pulling him in. “You’re safe.” He sniffed and seemed to be falling back asleep.

Dean looked from Cas’ face to the door behind him and then back to Cas. Why was he running off to take a cold shower when help was right in front of him? And not just any alpha -  _Cas_. Cas who could fuck him until he couldn’t breathe but who would hold him after a nightmare; Cas who would take it at Dean’s speed but who would still push back against Dean like he’d do anything to be fucked right; Cas who cooked weird meals that tasted awesome but could hold his own with a pizza delivery; Cas who would leave at the mere suggestion that Dean wanted him to but who also stuck around to see how Dean was after Sam was shot.

Dean leaned back towards Cas, moving his left hand from Cas’ neck to his face. “Cas?” he whispered and moved closer to him. “Cas?” he repeated and nudged his nose against Cas’ cheek as Cas stirred. “Come on, wake up,” he said softly and kissed his lips.

Cas hummed in question but when Dean kissed him again he could taste something between barbecued beef and scotch so he unconsciously kissed him back and they pulled apart enough for Cas to open his eyes and look at Dean.

“Are you okay?” Cas asked.

Dean moved his left hand to the back of Cas’ head. “Day five,” he said and leaned forward to kiss Cas but when he did the same Dean pulled back. “D’you think you can keep up?” He smirked.

Cas moved forward and kissed Dean without an answer, Dean pushed back and rolled Cas onto his back, Cas used his right hand to help Dean lift his left leg over Cas and bend it to rest on his knees straddling him. They didn’t stop kissing before Dean lifted his hips closer to Cas’ stomach and felt Cas moving his right hand in between them and then when he’d moved it back to Dean’s hips he lowered onto Cas’ hard cock.

Air escaped Dean’s lips as Cas suddenly turned them on the bed and looked over him. “Can you?” he asked.

“Try me,” Dean said.

Cas kissed him hard while he pulled out a little and just as he pushed his tongue into Dean’s mouth again he thrust his hips against Dean’s. Dean moaned into Cas’ mouth as Cas moved his hips again, the bed sheets collected more at Dean’s right side than evenly now. Cas’ movements were certain and already harder than Dean knew he would usually give him through any of their past attempts. Dean felt Cas move his right hand to Dean’s hip while he leaned up on his left and moved it against his own.

Dean’s heavy breathing had already started to morph into grunts and groans as he moved his left hand up Cas’ arm to his neck and looked to his lips. Cas looked to his and then let his weight rest on his left elbow to be close enough to Dean to kiss him. He felt Dean’s right hand stroke his side and grab a little when he pushed in and he let the fingertips of his left hand run through Dean’s hair while they kissed and he continued to roll his hips. The bed sheets continued to slide down them, only holding on to the sweat they built up.

The whole affair took longer than Dean thought it would but about halfway through he became concerned because he felt like he couldn’t take anymore and yet Cas had been slowing and quickening since they started. He never got as hard or as quick as he did the previous night but Dean could feel when he slowed, he would pause mid-kiss or just pull away completely, looking to the side at the pillow as if concentrating.

Dean thought he might have been having some performance issues, it wasn’t uncommon and it didn’t mean anything about what they were doing – no one could control their own circulation system, that was crazy. In those moments he would kiss Cas’ neck, pull his knees up to make it so that Cas went deeper, he tried to roll them over at one point but Cas merely tightened his grip on Dean and shook his head, still not looking at Dean. Dean managed to pull him in a few times, he felt Cas’ attention come back to Dean, he felt him lose himself in Dean again, in what they were doing, he felt his thrusts quicken, his speed increase, his sounds become louder and more guttural.

And then Cas would hesitate or pull away and they’d be back to the beginning.

“Cas?” Dean said after nearly an hour.

“Yes, Dean?” Cas said and looked to him, his face and chest gleaming in sweat, mirroring Dean’s, and concern in his eyes, as his hips ceased immediately.

“Are you okay?” Dean asked.

“I’m fine,” Cas said, his eyes flickering down away from Dean’s.

“Okay,” Dean said and put his hands on the bed beside him to push himself to sitting up. He tried not to make any noise when Cas fell from inside him, no knot keeping them together but he was definitely hard. “Look,” Dean said as he put his hands on Cas’ face, “you’re allowed to not be fine, Cas. You’re allowed to not want to do this.”

“I know,” Cas said. “I do want to.”

“Okay well…” Dean hesitated. “You’re allowed to not… be _able_ to… do this.”

Cas narrowed his eyes and turned his head a little. “Why would I not be able to?”

Dean inhaled and looked down to Cas’ penis quickly he could see it was soaked in his fluid and it was red and looked solid.

Cas looked down slowly to where Dean was looking, Dean’s hands falling from his face, and then looked up to Dean again, as confused as he had been a minute ago.

“It’s okay, hon, it really is,” Dean said. “It’s natural.”

Cas’ head flashed back to the countless times that he’d heard that over his life. He hung his head and let his hips lower to the bed, taking the weight off of his upper thighs for even an uncomfortable minute.

“Cas, it’s okay,” Dean said, trying to get him to look up. “It’s not some kind of failure.”

Cas hummed as he heard those exact words again and nodded his eyes closed.

“Cas, really, I don’t know maybe you’re tired, maybe it’s nothing, maybe it’s just how it is this time. Hey, maybe you’re stressed, you’re into all that healthy crap right, you could try swimming or some kind of thai chi or something. Sam runs.” He shrugged.

Cas wanted to laugh and cry. He turned on the bed to sit on this buttocks, facing away from Dean, his legs out in front of him with his left a little bent and leaned forward to put his head in his hands.

“Cas, please don’t get upset,” Dean said and rounded to his left side, sitting on his bended knees and running the fingers of his right hand through the back of Cas hair. “So you couldn’t keep it up, it’s not a big deal.”

Cas lifted his head to look at Dean. “What?

“It’s not a big deal, Cas,” Dean reiterated.

“No, before that,” Cas said. “You said- Dean, I wasn’t having problems sustaining an erection.”

“No?” Dean asked. “It’s okay if you were-”

Cas shook his head. “No, Dean. I was having problems controlling myself.” He looked to Dean and Dean saw tears in his eyes. “When I almost attacked Samandriel-”

“You didn’t-”

“You weren’t there!” Cas shouted and looked down in front of him. “You weren’t there, Dean. I still see the look in his eyes in the mirror, the absolute terror. He was just a young boy, barely a man.” Cas looked to Dean. “I have spent every day since that changing who I was, doing everything I can to control every movement I make. It’s not fair.”

Dean tilted his head to see Cas as he looked down again. “What’s not fair?” He put his right hand on Cas’ shoulder and his left on Cas’ arm. “Cas, what’s not fair?”

“You weren’t there,” Cas said and looked at Dean again. “You weren’t there. You didn’t see his face, you haven’t seen his face every night for eight years, Dean. You haven’t been the one doing the breathing exercises and swimming classes, reading the libraries worth of books and leaflets, taking herbal remedies and experimental drugs-”

“What drugs?” Dean asked.

“Do you know what it’s like for your doctor to hand you a leaflet on medical castration?” Cas asked, more tears bubbling in his eyes, hanging in there and just waiting to fall. “To be _that_ scared of what you’re capable of?”

“No,” Dean said softly.

“Do you know that you have to be on SORN before you qualify for medical castration?” Cas asked.

“Yeah,” Dean said, as if the wind had been knocked out of him.

“Well, do you know what it’s like to research what gets you on that to see how easy it would be to get your name put on it without hurting anyone?” Cas asked.

Dean paused before he looked down. “No,” he said.

“Exactly,” Cas said. “And then you come along and-” Cas exhaled as Dean looked to him. “Ruin me.”

Dean leaned up, his hands leaving Cas’ shoulder and arm and his eyes trained on Cas for a second. “Ruined you?”

“After eight years all you had to do was be near me in that store room and I couldn’t help myself, you weren’t even on your heat. I thought you were, that’s how desperate I was for you.” Cas rubbed a hand through his hair as Dean leaned back on his heels and let his hands fall to his lap. “And now you want more from me.”

Dean shook his head. “I never wanted you to give more than you wanted to,” Dean said. “But you can’t blame me for wanting something different.”

Cas nodded. “I know, and I don’t,” Cas said. “But I feel like you’ve undone eight years of work in months.”

Dean looked down. “Right,” he said and lifted up on his legs to turn to get up off of the bed and when he tried his legs gave way and he sat back down on the bed. He exhaled and leaned forward, his shoulders twitching hard once.

Cas looked to him and then saw it happen again. “Dean?” He turned towards him and sat next to him on the bed, that’s when he realized Dean was crying. “I didn’t mean to upset you,” Cas said gently and looked at his hands.

Dean laughed dismissively. “Cas, on the one hand I’m on the worst day of my heat and on the other hand how did you expect me to take that? You just said I ruined you, I’ve _ruined eight years of your life_. Did you expect me to just say ‘okay’ and be fine with that?” Dean rubbed a tear from his eye roughly.

“I didn’t think about how you’d take it,” Cas said. “I just wanted to tell you the truth.”

Dean looked to him then to his lap. “A part of me wants to cry and say I’m sorry to you for this and leave and never come back into your life again,” Dean said, sniffing.

“And the other?” Cas prompted.

“The other wants to punch you in the face,” Dean said and they looked at each other. “How dare you sit there and say that to me? How can you sit there and say I’ve ruined you? Did I force you to have sex with me in that store room?”

“No-”

“No, I didn’t!” Dean said as if Cas had disagreed. “Did I force you to come to my apartment after that? Did I force you to get through me my first heat? What about all of the other times we’ve have sex, in and out of my heat, Cas? Did I hold you down, drug you, confuse you, bully you?”

“No?” Cas said.

“You’re damn right I didn’t,” Dean said. “I’m sorry that you feel like this-” He gestured between them. “- has _ruined_ you or what you’ve been doing for eight years but screw you, you don’t get to blame me.” Dean said and when Cas opened his mouth he shook his head and put his hand up. “No, you wait a minute. All of those years I’ve been hearing how unhealthy those suppressants are for me, for my body, for my brain. Did you ever think about what _you_ were doing to _your_ self?”

“What _I_ was doing?” Cas asked.

“Yeah,” Dean said. “You lose control once and you shut it all down. You do- what was it you said- swimming classes, herbal tablets- medical castration, Cas!” Dean said and Cas looked down, closing his eyes. “You were actually trying to get yourself on the registry just to qualify.”

“That’s not fair,” Cas said.

“That is fair!” Dean said. “What’s not fair is telling me what I was doing was killing me inside when you did exactly the same thing. You let one experience run your entire life. You changed everything about yourself, about what you liked, didn’t like, do, don’t do- everything Cas! How is that not damaging?” Cas looked down thinking about it. “If anyone ruined you or your life, Cas, it was you, eight years ago.”

Cas pursed his lips and then stood up quickly, leaving the room and storming into the bathroom. He slammed the door, turned to put his back against it and closed his eyes before he exhaled hard.

Dean just watched him and then nodded before he lifted his feet, rolled onto the bed and put his back to the door, pulling the sheet around him. He settled back onto his side and stared at the window. The sheets smelled of sweat and sugar. The warmth was more than could have come from one person and Dean never wanted to feel that side grow cold. Dean tried to focus on the early morning light, track the birds that flew from one tree to another, too tired yet to make it long distance. Somehow it all fell flat on him and he felt that if it had been stars they would have hit him numb too.

Cas walked to the sink and leaned on it, his eyes still closed. He didn’t want to look at himself in the mirror but he had to. He took an inhale and then opened his eyes. What he saw was a man with hair still messed up from sleep and sex, skin flushed and hot except that now he could feel the cool air on his skin, a softened penis, large balls and scratches on his side. He looked at the scratches and remembered Dean grabbing him as he thrust into him. He then saw marks on his neck and beside his lips. Cas leaned to look at them and touched his slightly swollen bottom lip. He winced back and looked down to see that his balls had touched the cold porcelain of the sink. They were larger than usual because they had adjusted to accommodate the omega he was taking through heat and it was his last day – the hardest.

Cas looked into his eyes and thought about how it’d felt when Dean woke him up, how he’d reached for Cas in the night when he was scared. Cas thought about how good he’d felt since they started this agreement and tried to find a time in the last eight years when he’d ever felt more like himself. And the thing was that he didn’t feel like himself, he didn’t feel like the person he’d been these past years and that hadn’t been him anyway. There was merely a glimpse of what it’d be like to go back to being that man, the one who threw Samandriel against the wall, nothing but a typical, base alpha.

Cas looked away as tears fell and then forced himself to look in the mirror again, for the first time in eight years he looked at himself, not nude but naked. He dared to actually be truthful with himself for once because if it ever meant anything it was now. He looked into his own eyes and asked himself what he wanted in this moment, what he _really_ wanted.

His answer was only one word: Dean.

He stared at himself, giving himself one more chance to change that, to add stipulations to back out. The only other thing he could say in honesty was that he didn’t want to be like _that_ , like the atypical alpha, the hammer that brought down its weight wherever it saw fit, he didn’t want to be bound to his biology. He wanted free will.

He knew what he had to do and he closed his eyes and swallowed before he decided to wash his face and try to cool down a little.

Dean lay there, tears crawling over the bridge of his nose from his left to join the others on the pillow beside Dean’s right eye, when he heard Cas moving through the apartment he didn’t move. He figured this was it, this was the sacrifice for allowing himself this treat but it was coming sooner than he thought. He knew what would happen: Cas would collect his stuff and slip out and that would be it. That’s what Dean would do.

He sensed Cas come in to the room and he stopped, picking his clothes up from the floor, and then rounded the bed to Dean’s side and stood, looking at him. He didn’t say anything and Dean tried not but he glanced to him.

“What?” Dean said, failing to hide the sound of tears in his voice.

“I’m sorry,” Cas said.

Dean sniffed and rubbed the right side of his face into the pillow, looking out of the window again. “S’okay, Cas,” Dean said. “It had to end sometime, everything does.”

“You can’t just quit whenever it gets a little tough-” Cas said.

“I’m not,” Dean said.

“Well, is that what you want?” Cas asked. “For this to end?”

Dean looked ahead and swallowed something hard in his throat. “This wasn’t a little argument, Cas, you think I ruined you,” he said.

“I don’t,” Cas said.

Dean looked to him. “You just said-”

Cas dropped the clothes gently to the floor, stepped towards the bed and perched on the end, looking at Dean. “I know what I said but you were right. I have no right blaming you for my own choices, you didn’t ruin me Dean because I’d already ruined myself.” He looked down at the floor. “You were right about that. I didn’t want to admit it, I still don’t, but all of those years ago I looked from Samandriel’s eyes to my own in the mirror of the elevator and every time I look in the mirror I see that same man looking back no matter what I do and every time I close my eyes I see the fear on his face and mine no matter how much I’ve isolated myself. I was afraid of who I was from that minute forward.”

“I know,” Dean said.

“I’ve spent every minute of my life working, either on my career or on changing myself, I ran out of that elevator and I’ve been running since.” Cas looked to Dean. “You didn’t ruin me, Dean. But you scare the hell out of me.”

Dean looked at him.

“I’ve been frightened of myself for eight years but the fear I feel when I look at you is something I’ve never felt before. And I hate you a little for it.”

“What kinda fear?” Dean asked, knowing that if there was one thing he could understand it was fear.

“It was so hard, building my new self, this new person I made myself into. It took years, I never stopped. I never finished. I never got to a certain point and considered the work done. And then you came along and almost shattered it, so easily, it was as if I thought it diamond and you just walked through it like smoke.”

“Cas, I wasn’t trying to hurt you,” Dean said as he tried to sit up, facing him, “I just couldn’t stay away from you.” Dean could feel the cool air on his back and now felt the layer of sweat there. “The worst thing I did was walk out that night and then there you were in front of me again I-”

“Dean, I don’t mean then,” Cas said and Dean just looked confused. “That night when we first met, you have no idea how close I was to giving in to you. I needed you to stop touching me, to stop talking to me so I tried to be dismissive, ignorant, rude, anything to get you to walk out of the room and make the decision for me. I was within seconds of pushing you back on that bed and-” Cas closed his eyes and looked down.

Dean looked to the side trying not to look back on that night and picture what that would have been like. It did nothing to help his heat. Then he looked to Cas. “You were?”

Cas nodded. “If you hadn’t left I don’t know what I would have done,” Cas said quietly. “When I saw you in the garage that day I think my heart stopped, I felt that fear again. I wanted you to go away because you were the only one that had ever done that to me, all of those years and I was right back there again. From just a look.” He shook his head.

Dean turned to his right a little, just enough to let his feet touch the floor. “Cas, when I saw you that day, I was not prepared for that. I just heard you and turned and-” Dean gestured his hand, his tears dry on his cheeks but his face far from emotionless. “There you were. I have a lot of regrets in my life but walking out that night was one of the top five. Still is. But I still don’t understand where this all came from, tonight?”

Cas paused and looked at Dean. “Dean, I was scared when I thought you’d almost broken my barriers down but then I saw you years later and realized you’d barely chipped at them compared to now. When we had sex the way you wanted I managed to keep it under control, I managed to give you what you wanted _consciously_ , everything I did I decided to do. But tonight I felt that control slipping and- I was scared before but now I’m terrified that you’d started chipping at something that can’t be repaired. What if I lose control now?” His eyes suddenly welled up. “What if I hurt you? What if I become what I was again? Because I ruined me, Dean, but you might be the person to fix me.” He paused and inhaled deeply before he spoke. “And I have never been so petrified.”

Dean looked over his face and then to the floor in front of his feet as Cas bowed his head and sniffed in hard for want of a tissue. Dean looked back to him and wondered if anyone in his life had ever been so honest before. And so damn wrong.

He shuffled towards Cas, bending his left kneee back onto the bed to allow for it, and the man looked up. There was something in the air around Cas, his scent was different somehow and Dean wondered if they had really decided to go different ways and if their body’s biology was reflecting that. “Cas, I need you to listen to me, right now, okay? Because I’m gonna say something and I need you to hear it so just focus on me and listen.” He looked between Cas’ eyes. “You’re not broken.”

Cas looked down.

Dean dipped his head to look at him. “You don’t need to be fixed. You are not something that has been torn to pieces and everyone’s just using the scraps, Cas. Yeah, you ruined yourself, you let fear ruin who you were, who you are.”

Cas shook his head and looked down.

“Yes,” Dean said and took Cas’ face in his hands to look at him, “because you are still that person, Cas. I haven’t broken any barriers, you let me in because deep down you are still the same guy who took my hand all of those years ago, who let me not only into his car but into his home. You think you need fixed and I know why you think that. I know what you think you are.” Dean watched both of Cas’ eyes go from each of Dean’s as tears fell down his cheek. “You think you’re a monster, don’t you?”

Cas looked away and Dean pulled his head again.

“Don’t you?” Dean said and shook his hands the littlest amount to get his attention back to him. “Don’t you, Cas!”

“Yes!” Cas shouted and it went silent before Cas brushed Dean’s hands off. “I was then and I am now, I’m just-” He shrugged. “I’m playing the part of the sheep but underneath I’m the wolf, I’ll always be the wolf. I’m the- the vampire who doesn’t drink human blood, I’m kidding myself that I’m different but I’m not because it won’t be enough anymore, I won’t be strong enough.” He lowered his face into his hands and stiffened his muscles when Dean tried to pull them away.

“Okay, no,” Dean leaned down on the floor in front of Cas on his knees, keeping them wide apart, and put his hands on Cas’ arms, pulling them to the side, the angle making it easier for Cas’ elbows to unbalance and fall. “You’re not listening to me, Cas. You think you’re a monster but you’re not.” Cas looked at Dean, his arms leaning on his lap, admitting he couldn’t hide from Dean’s gaze forever. “And not because you’ve been a virgin all this time or whatever. You’re not a monster because you’re damn well not. A monster would have seen the fear in that kid’s eyes in the elevator and it wouldn’t have mattered, he would have kept going, hell he mighta enjoyed that look. But you didn’t.”

“But-”

“No, buts,” Dean said with one shake of his head. “Those three alphas that cornered me? Those were monsters.” Dean watched Cas’ jaw set at the mention. “You remember that night, right?”

“Of course,” Cas said, a little confused, considering they’d spoken about it a few times.

“So you remember what happened?” Cas nodded slowly. “So you’ll remember that those guys cornered me in an ally?” Cas nodded again. “And where were you?” When he just narrowed his eyes in confusion Dean nodded once. “Humor me.”

“I was in my car,” Cas said hesitantly.

“You drove passed and saw this going down, so what did you do?” Dean asked but didn’t wait for a reply. “You got out of the car, abandoned it in the street at night in a trashy neighborhood and confronted three alphas in the presence of an omega in heat. For what reason?”

Cas looked down, clearly not going to volunteer an answer.

Dean leaned into Cas’ right ear. “To save me,” he said and Cas closed his eyes, the voice sounded so sure. “You saved me from monsters and then, when I came to you, you saved me from myself.” He leaned back down and saw Cas look up at him. “Monsters don’t do that, Cas.” He smiled quickly and bashfully. “You were my hero that night.” He lifted his left hand to cup Cas’ head. “You’re still saving me from myself even now.”

“How am I doing that?” Cas asked.

“Helping me through these heats, Cas, so I don’t take the suppressants,” Dean said.

“That’s not the only reason I’m doing it,” Cas said. “Your heats aren’t the only reason I’m here.” Cas waited for the inevitable question of what else he was there for but Dean never asked it. And he was as relieved as he was hurt.

Dean didn’t want to ask what the other reason might be, he wasn’t ready for whatever answer there might be. This was already hard enough as it was, to complicate it with whatever else Cas wanted from him would be overwhelming and may rip this apart.

“You asked me a question earlier,” Dean said. “Do I want this to end?” Cas stared at him while Dean was silent for a beat. “No, Cas, I don’t want what we’re doing here to stop. Do you?”

Cas shook his head and then leaned forward to kiss him. He then pulled back.

“I’m sorry, was that inappropriate?” he asked.

Dean couldn’t help but laugh and then he shook his head. “No, Cas, no it wasn’t.” He resettled his hand on the back of Cas’ head. “At all.” He pulled Cas in to kiss him again. “Stay.”

Cas sniffed before he nodded slowly.

They stared at each other before Dean had to ask. “Are-” He bit his lip. “Are we okay?”

Cas tilted his head. “Yes,” he said. “Aren’t we?”

“Yeah,” Dean said and smiled and leaned back on his heels, rocking to stand up. “We should eat.” He stood up and Cas saw how swollen his dick was, it was red and sore. He then looked to the patch on the carpet where Dean had been kneeling as he began to walk away where the fluid had ran down Dean’s thigh and collected on the floor. “You had me going there for a sec, hon,” Dean said with a small laugh.

Cas looked to him and heard him ask if they were okay again in his head. He was on his seventh (their fifth together) – his supposed last – day and hadn’t even touched Cas in a way that suggested he was suffering because it was more important to him that Cas didn’t leave.

Cas decided it was now or never.

He stood up and walked behind Dean as he walked towards the door and as Dean got to it Cas used his left hand on Dean’s to pull him back a little as he used his right to close the door. He turned Dean with his arm and he went with mere confusion on his face and put him against the door. They looked at each other before Cas leaned in, his head to tilted to the left, and kissed him once hard. Their lips didn’t part before they continued.

Cas knew that Dean must be suffering and therefore he didn’t hang around, when Dean’s hands lifted to his face and neck Cas leaned down as much as he could and gripped Dean’s outer thighs. Dean opened his eyes when Cas lifted him but then wrapped his legs around Cas’ waist after Cas held him high on the door.

“Is this-?” Cas began.

“Yeah,” Dean said, wrapping his arms around Cas’ neck and brought his lips close to Cas’. “Do it.”

Cas pulled him off of the door enough to gently lower him and watched as Dean closed his eyes, moaning as he sunk down on Cas. He then put him against the door again, Dean’s legs staying bent, above his hips, and his feet hooked. Cas didn’t move at first and when Dean opened his eyes he saw he had his closed and he was breathing deeply.

“It’s okay, Cas,” Dean said and Cas opened his eyes to look at him. “Just do what you’re okay with,” he said. “If you ever want to do something different then we can work to that but right now just-” He exhaled. “Just do what we’ve been doing.”

“You need more,” Cas said.

“I need you,” Dean said and kissed him softly, lifting his right hand to cup Cas’ head.

Cas moved his hands, one by one, down under Dean to hold onto the flesh of his buttocks and slowly lifted him before he began thrusting into him slowly and carefully. Dean exhaled and let his head fall back to the door.

Cas watched him close his eyes and bite his lip. He leaned to kiss his neck and heard Dean groan but it was quiet so Cas quickened his movements a little. Dean’s scent was strong, covering his nose and mouth like a mask as he rested them there but when Dean’s fingers ran through his hair and he barely twitched his hips Cas thought back to the last time they’d had – and finished – sex. He thought about the way Dean’s hands gripped the sheet until his knuckles were as yellow as they were going to go, the way he had pushed back on him like he couldn’t be deep enough, the way he’d moaned Cas’ name like it was the only word he could remember how to say except when Cas asked him if he liked it, the way he practically shouted that he did without hesitation or embarrassment, the way he’d let Cas move him around as if his body wasn’t his own to control anymore and the way he’d curled his toes at the end before he’d – Cas found out later – came without being touched.

Cas couldn’t help but admit that he wanted to hear that again, he wanted to bring Dean that much pleasure. He gripped Dean tighter and gradually thrust harder and faster and moved Dean with his own arms. But he did it all consciously, he just couldn’t let go.

Dean’s moans quickly got louder and more frequent, his right hand gripped Cas’ shoulder and he began to move too, as much as he could.

Cas grunted against Dean’s skin and the door. “You like that?” he asked.

“Yeah, Cas,” Dean said with a small nod. It wasn’t a shout but Cas smiled nonetheless. “Yeah, I do. Keep doing that.”

“I plan to,” Cas said and set his jaw before he pushed in harder and Dean groaned.

“Cas-” he said, almost involuntarily.

“Yes?” Cas said and then, just as Dean opened his mouth to answer he did it again.

Dean inhaled and then let out a surprise moan before he shook his head, indicating he wasn’t going to say anything.

Cas leaned into his ear while he kept moving his and Dean’s hips together. He laughed a little as he felt it was about to happen. “I liked the way you woke me up,” he said and then groaned deep in his throat before it lifted and he started to come.

>><< 

They were sitting in pants in the sitting room where Dean had elected to put a t-shirt on which Cas wasn’t particularly a fan of. They were watching a medical show on television while eating a late breakfast and where Cas was sitting back on the sofa, Dean was leaning forward over his plate on the table. Cas’ eyes drifted from the TV to Dean when he took a strip of bacon and lifted it above his head before he lowered it to his mouth, like a seal in the zoo. Cas watched the end flap around as Dean used nothing but his tongue to pull it in and the grease transfer to the sides of his mouth which he used the back of his hand to wipe and then used his fork to gather up some scrambled eggs and shovel them into his mouth. He looked down when he dropped some and then dipped to pick them up.

Cas found himself smiling and then looked to his plate as he continued to eat his own. “Do you think you’re going to talk to Sam?” Cas asked and Dean looked to him. “About Chrissy?”

“Oh,” Dean said and picked up his plate so he could sit back and talk to him. “Um, yeah, I think I’m gonna have to. She’s just a kid and she coulda died. If her dad finds out it’s not just Sam he’s gonna come for, it’s both of us.” He looked to his plate. “Maybe I should just go back to hunting full-time.”

Cas looked to him. “Take the suppressors again?”

Dean looked up but ahead. “I don’t want to,” he said and then looked to Cas. “I just- Maybe omegas weren’t supposed to be hunters. But I’m glad I took them that way, taking the suppressors, yeah they probably screwed my body up but I got like five, six years hunting with my brother.” He shrugged.

“Maybe it’s something you have to think about,” Cas said.

“Yeah, maybe,” Dean said and used his fork to put bacon in his mouth and added some eggs before he looked to Cas. “So, come on, how’s Kansas’ hottest accountant?” He nudged Cas with his arm and winked. “How’s work?”

Cas smiled. “It’s good, actually. I might be up for promotion.”

Dean’s eyebrows raised. “Really?”

“Yes,” Cas said. “I still have a lot of work to do, there’s an account coming up, and a group of us have been selected to assist on it, the promotion will be awarded on the merits of the account.”

Dean smiled. “Well, congrats,” he said and looked back to the TV. “You’re a shoo-in.”

Cas paused a beat. “A what?” he asked.

Dean looked to him. “A shoo-in, you’ll get it,” he said.

“I’m not sure,” Cas said and leaned forward to put his plate on the table before leaning back.

Dean’s brow dipped a little as he chewed. “Why not?”

“The promotion is undoubtedly awarded based on performance on the account but it’s no secret that accountancy is all about relationships and networking. Whoever gets this will be well liked by my boss.”

“So?” Dean said.

“My ‘people skills’ are a little ‘rusty’,” Cas said, with air quotes.

Dean chuckled gently, with food in his mouth. “Cas, you’ll be fine, just talk to him like you talk to me. Or her.” He shrugged. “Just be natural, relaxed and- you know, appropriate.”

“What do you mean?” Cas asked.

“Well-” Dean stopped. “You know, sometimes you can be- you can say some things- you-” He sighed. “Sometimes you can say somethings you shouldn’t say out loud. Or you take things too seriously. Like you don’t get the things I say. Loosen up, as long as you don’t offend him or her, say something inappropriate or shoot his wife on the toilet you’ll be fine.” Cas just narrowed his eyes. “What? It wasn’t me, it was Ash. He was after a bail up in Sacramento and he got to the bathroom to find this woman, pants around her ankles, on the toilet, pointing a twelve gauge at Ash. She wouldn’t yield and she aimed so Ash shot first.” He shrugged again. “But the guy wasn’t Ash’s boss, I guess.”

Cas looked to his lap and then to Dean. “You’re right, I don’t understand everything you say.”

Dean shook his head gently.

>><< 

Dean opened the fridge as his cell phone rang, Cas was sitting on the couch watching the TV in just a towel and leaned forward to pick it up as Dean took a step towards the sofa from the fridge. Cas held it to him and Dean took it.

“Thanks,” he said and looked at the caller ID before he answered it and continued looking in the fridge. “Sam, what’s up?” Cas looked behind him to Dean briefly before he resettled on the sofa.

_“Hey, just wanted to check, you’re off tomorrow, right?”_

“Yeah, I think so,” Dean said. “Why?”

 _“No reason,”_ Sam said.

“Sam,” Dean said sternly, “if you’re hunting take Garth or Charlie or something. I don’t want to have to pick you up at the station for doing the round of the local kindergartens for back-up.”

 _“Funny,”_ Sam said.

“Yeah, and I also don’t wanna rush to the hospital because the next time might be the last time, Sam. If Chrissy wants to hunt then she can hunt with her dad or-” He heard Sam sigh. “Or you can get his permission and take her along with a bunch of you on something that doesn’t end in you getting shot, Sam. You remember what it was like growing up in the hunting life.”

 _“Can’t exactly forget,”_ Sam said distastefully.

“Exactly,” Dean said. “You hated it but we did it because that’s what Dad decided. I get that you’re trying to give her choice or whatever but you can’t go disrespecting the guy like that, not just as a hunter but as a dad, Sam.” Cas looked to Dean again, he’d leaned back from the fridge door and Cas could see the seriousness in his face. “You just can’t.”

Sam sighed. _“Yeah, I guess,”_ he said.

“If you piss him off he might not let her hunt at all and it’ll be Ellen and Jo all over again, I don’t want that, do you?”

 _“No,_ ” Sam admitted. _“Okay, yeah, I get it, message received.”_

“Good,” Dean said. “I’ll be back in a couple of days, try not to get shot again.”

Dean heard Sam scoff on the other end. _“I expected you to tell me not to go hunting with my arm in a sling,”_ he said.

“Yeah, like you’d listen to me,” Dean said. “I’d ask you to wait until I came back but would you?”

There was a pause. _“Okay, I’ll wait,”_ Sam said.

Dean’s eyebrows raised. “Really?”

 _“Yeah,”_ Sam said. _“If you call for an alpha, you sound like hell.”_

“You know what? Get shot, screw you,” Dean said and hung up the phone before tossing it on the dining table.

Cas was watching him. “Are you okay?” he asked.

Dean looked up to him and then nodded as he turned back to the fridge.

Cas stood up and rounded the sofa, Dean glanced to him as he walked passed the fridge door then stood behind Dean, putting his left arm around Dean’s waist and the back of his right to Dean’s neck.

Dean closed his eyes and tilted his head to the left to give Cas more room before he exhaled, sounding relieved. He then hummed and let his head move back to Cas’ left shoulder. Cas moved his right hand to rub around the front of Dean’s neck while he kissed the skin higher up, closer to his ear.

“Stop telling me you’re okay when you’re not,” Cas said softly.

“I don’t realize how not okay I am until you touch me,” Dean answered in a whisper.

“That’s okay,” Cas said and ran his right hand down Dean’s front, in his t-shirt. “I’ll just have to touch you more often.” He ran his hand back up and then up the right side of Dean’s neck. “Dean, do you need help?”

Dean swallowed and then nodded. “Yeah, Cas,” he said.

“Okay,” Cas said. “Go into the bedroom,” he moved his left hand up to lift Dean’s head from his shoulder, “and I’ll be in in a minute, after I urinate.”

“Okay,” Dean said when Cas stood back Dean stopped to close the fridge door then walked slightly unbalanced to the bedroom. “Yeah,” he said to himself as he put his right hand on the door frame and disappeared into the room.

Cas watched him and then went into the bathroom where he did in fact urinate and then washed his hands. As he was washing them he was staring in the mirror at the face looking back. He saw his own face all of those years ago and he looked down before he inhaled the fear and trepidation vibrating in his very lungs.

Eventually he walked back to the bedroom to find Dean standing with his back to Cas with just his underwear on while he put his jeans over the chair by the window. He then leaned to take them off and put them on top of the jeans before he turned and stopped. Cas walked towards the other side of the bed and they kept the other’s stare as Dean did the same. Cas used his right hand to undo where his towel was holding itself up and they leaned for the bed sheets as the towel pooled at his feet.

While Dean managed to get into the bed so that he was on his left side without having to turn Cas lay on his back and Dean looked over his face before Cas fixed the sheet and the turned towards Dean, his left hand cupping the side of Dean’s face just as Dean felt his left knee push in between both of his legs. Dean took the hint and let his leg bend up to sit on Cas’ hip.

“What did Sam say that pissed you off so much?” Cas asked.

“You really wanna talk about my brother right now?” Dean asked with a breath of a laugh.

“Tell me,” Cas said and leaned down to kiss Dean’s neck.

Dean exhaled. “He said he’d wait until I got back to go hunting if I’d call an alpha,” he said. “Said I sounded bad.”

“Why don’t you tell him you have called for an alpha?” Cas said and rolled on top of Dean, putting his right hand in the pillow beside Dean’s head. “It wouldn’t be too much of a lie.”

“Because it’s none of his business,” Dean said and bent both of his legs up as Cas padded his knees on the mattress. “I don’t get involved in his love life.” Dean looked down while Cas continued to kiss over his chest and up to his neck before repeating the action. He lowered his left hand and gently took hold of Cas’ right ball. “Anyone would think you’ve never been laid.” He rolled it in his hand slowly and cautiously.

“It’s because of your heat,” Cas said as he brought his right hand down and cupped Dean’s squeezing a little over his own testicle. “You can be rougher.”

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Dean said. “Wasn’t sure you’d like that anyway.” Dean looked to Cas as he brought his lips to Dean’s, they didn’t kiss they just looked at each other. “I don’t know anything you like.”

“I like you,” Cas said and then kissed Dean, he let go of Dean’s hand and planted it into the bed again. “I like this,” he said before he brought his hips into line and pushed into Dean whose hand fell from his testicle in the movement.

Dean groaned and then nodded. “Yeah, I like that too,” he said.

Cas exhaled and then let his head hang, his neck was tight and his left hand, which had moved from Dean’s face to his shoulder while he’d been kissing him, moved to pillow beside Dean’s head.

“Cas,” Dean said softly and used his right hand to make Cas look at him, “you can let go.” Cas opened his eyes. “You don’t have to, you never _have_ to,” Dean’s eyes moved to look into Cas’ eyes individually as he spoke, “remember that you never _have_ to do anything. But with me, you can if you _want_ to.” He smiled. “It’s me. I know you’d never hurt me, Cas.”

Cas found himself shaking his head. “No,” he said.

“No,” Dean concurred.

“I would never hurt you on purpose, Dean,” Cas said. “But-”

“You wouldn’t hurt me unconsciously either,” Dean said. “I know that, don’t you?”

Cas paused. “I would hope that it were true,” he said.

“There’s only one way to find out, Cas,” Dean said. “You might not trust yourself but I trust you, so trust me.” He smiled again. “Only if you want to.”

There was a tense few seconds of silence where Dean never let himself break Cas’ stare, he wanted him to believe him and even if it meant it never came to anything it didn’t matter Dean needed Cas to believe him.

Eventually Cas didn’t say anything to break the silence he just let his gaze drop to Dean’s lips. Dean took that as a segue of some kind and lifted his head to kiss Cas who pushed Dean back into the pillow and cupped his jaw with his right hand as he began to slowly move his hips.

Cas thought about what it’d be like to not have to think about the movements he was making, to just let his body react to Dean’s. He wondered if it wouldn’t be scary and devastating, as he’d imagined for so long, but maybe wonderful. He wondered if he even knew how to let go.

“What if I don’t know how?” Cas asked against his lips, halting his movements.

“That’s okay,” Dean said and smiled at him. “We can figure it out, if you want to, Cas.”

Cas again didn’t answer, he merely continued kissing Dean and moving in and out of him. He tried to move without consciously telling his brain to do so, he tried to feel without seeking it out, he tried to forget anything else existed except the man beneath him.

To Cas’ surprise - perhaps not - it wasn’t that hard.

He moved in and out of Dean, gradually getting faster and harder as he was spurred on by Dean’s gentle moans and whimpers getting louder and more desperate. While Dean felt so good it was nothing compared to the knowledge that he was making Dean make those noises.

Dean felt like he had to hold on to Cas tight or they’d break apart, his nails dug into Cas’ shoulders, he scraped his nails through Cas’ hair as they touched their foreheads to the other, they’d then kiss but their moans and grunts would return them to looking at each other.

Cas would drop to kiss Dean’s neck, each time it got more and more forceful and Cas was overcome yet again with the need, not just to bite _something_ , but to bite Dean. He pushed it away, thinking it a dangerous side effect of letting go, but it wouldn’t be pushed away for long. The harder he thrust, the louder Dean called his name, the more of Dean he tasted and the less control over himself he exercised the more of Dean’s scent rushed into his lungs with every inhale and dispersed. It took over like a parasite and Cas was afraid of the negative connotations of that word but couldn’t help admitting that, with his fear, those might be fitting. It made him feel like he was transforming into something more akin to his ancestry, as if he were about to morph into the werewolf of old – or rare cases of the werewolf of now – to do _what_ he wasn’t quite sure and that was more horrifying than anything.

He ran his teeth up Dean’s neck and inhaled his scent through his mouth while he lifted Dean’s left leg, higher up on his waist.

“Careful,” Dean said brought his leg higher than Cas had left it, “I’ll think you’re getting attached.”

Cas figured it was a strange thing to say and pulled back to look at Dean’s face but he had his eyes closed and his mouth open as he moved his hips with Cas’ as best he could. Cas couldn’t think of an answer, he knew, as everyone did, that even kissing an omega’s neck was flirting, but to nip or run teeth along their while that omega was in heat was a show of commitment. Cas wasn’t about to bite Dean, to soul-bond with him, but he recognized the feeling finally. It wasn’t commitment as such it was… Ownership. He wanted Dean to be off limits and everyone to know it.

He knew that was out of the question, that Dean could turn around tomorrow and tell him never to come back. Which he would – and had almost already done – if he didn’t get what he needed or wanted from Cas. And what he wanted was less attachment and more raw, animal sex. So that’s what he’d get.

Cas took Dean’s right leg and pushed it up still further, letting the flesh of Dean’s calf rest on his shoulder, before he did the same with the other side. His right hand went to Dean’s neck and his left rested on the mattress.

“Is that okay?” Cas asked, still moving but gentler to allow for the new position.

“Yeah,” Dean said. “Harder, Cas.”

Cas didn’t have to be told twice, he immediately began to build his speed and force up again, since he surpassed what it had been and he was able to go deeper Dean immediately lost it.

“Cas, fuck!” Dean shouted and let his mouth hang open while he breathed heavily.

Cas held Dean’s jaw in his right hand and let his thumb touch Dean’s lower lip and then pulled it down before he remembered something he had done way at the beginning. So he leaned forward and bit Dean’s lip, he didn’t even flinch, in fact he moaned and his right hand on Cas’ shoulder gripped harder.

What was coming out of Dean’s mouth was practically gibberish as Cas was thrusting into Dean so hard and fast that their whole bodies moved with the force and the bed did too, hitting the wall. Cas curved his spine as he pushed in and tasted blood on his lips as he moved them to Dean’s neck and kissed them, trailing the blood there in some attempt to equate drawing blood to marking him.

“Cas, m'gonna come,” Dean said suddenly in a rushed breath. “Fuck, gonna-”

Cas moved his lips to Dean’s ear, letting the left side of his face rest on the pillow while he kept up his movements. “Are you going to come for me, baby?”

“Yeah,” Dean said and nodded, swallowing a dry breath.

“Say it, all of it,” Cas said and freed his right hand from between himself and Dean’s leg, using it instead to touch at Dean’s hole, teasing a finger inside as he thrust.

“Gonna come- for you, Cas,” Dean said, Cas growling in his throat, and when Cas pushed his finger in alongside his penis Dean groaned and began to come between them.

Cas watched him and took in every aspect of his face: his brow knitted, he bit his lip exactly where Cas had and rolled his hips as much as he could against Cas.

Cas removed his finger when Dean was finished and lifted up to finish himself, he put his hands on Dean’s thighs and used them to pull Dean back as he pushed in and out, Dean still moving with the bed except that his eyes were closed and his voice replaced with heavy breathing as Cas pushed Dean’s left leg further up, away from his shoulder and to Dean’s shoulder, he pushed against it as he ascended to the finish line and then called out Dean’s name as he came.

He slowed to a stop, his right hand still flat against the back of Dean’s upper leg, his left still gripping Dean’s other leg to his chest and Dean covered in his own semen.

“Was that-?”

“Yeah,” Dean said and exhaled as Cas nodded and then lifted his hand from Dean’s leg then pulled it gently so that Dean could put his foot back on the bed, he took the hint and did the same with the other. Dean looked down at the mess on his stomach. “Didn’t really think that through,” he said.

He watched Cas move the sheets from behind him and then he gripped Dean’s upper legs and Dean’s face showed surprise when he was pulled down the bed, the sheets coming with him.

“Whoa!” he said and then felt Cas push him back, sensing that he was closer to the nightstand than he had been, he had an idea as to what Cas was doing but was still in mild shock as to his method when Cas pulled him down the bed again before pushing him further up.

Cas reached to the nightstand and opened the drawer, looking for something to help clean Dean up with since they couldn’t just go to the bathroom, not easily with a knot keeping them together. Cas then found a pack of tissues and held them out to Dean.

“Thanks,” Dean said, as he opened them and took one.

While he did he watched Cas lean to his right side and lick up from above his hip, up his ribs and then to the right just below his nipple. Dean watched him close his mouth and then swirl, what was unmistakably semen, around his mouth before he swallowed.

Dean found himself suddenly in need of doing the same thing as he dropped the tissue on the side of the bed as he forgot how to use his hand and then tried to pick it up twice in a fumble.

“Are you okay?” Cas asked.

“Yeah,” Dean said. “What uh- What did you just do?” He began to wipe up his mess.

“There was a trail of semen running down your side towards the bed so I used my tongue to stop it. And then I swallowed it.” He watched Dean close his eyes briefly. “Did that make you uncomfortable?”

“No,” Dean said and shook his head immediately. “No, it was um-” He exhaled as he folded the tissue and put it on his chest before he pulled another clean one out to continue. “It looked- It was good, it looked good.”

Cas narrowed his eyes and then used his right hand to catch Dean’s wrist, Dean looked to him and watched him leaned down to the little semen that was left and run his tongue along the edge of it, taking some in his mouth but not as much as he could have and smearing some of it further in the process. It was as if Cas knew exactly what to do to prolong this while doing exactly what Dean wanted to see, even if he didn’t know it. Cas held his mouth open, pressed Dean’s now limp wrist into the mattress, still holding the tissue and took it from him before picking up the other too. He dumped them on the nightstand without letting Dean’s wrist go and then picked up the pack and Dean looked to them when Cas paused before he threw them to the bedroom floor.

He watched Cas close his mouth and his eyes never left Dean’s before he swallowed and leaned to do the same again. Dean watched him, very aware that his dick was hard as a brick between them and twitching in renewed interest. On the last mouthful Cas swallowed as he leaned over Dean, moving his right hand from Dean’s and putting it on the mattress beside his shoulder.

“You taste so good,” Cas whispered to him. “Do you want to taste?”

Dean surprised himself by slowly nodding and then closing his eyes as Cas kissed him, pushing his tongue into Dean’s mouth. He didn’t know what Cas tasted but all he could taste was Cas, sweet and comfortably overwhelming like a sugar high.

“Does it taste good?” Cas asked against his lips and Dean nodded. “What does it taste like?”

“You,” Dean said and looked to Cas’ lips as he kissed him again. “What do you taste?”

Cas bit his lip and smiled. “It’s like hard liquor and cigar smoke,” Cas said. “Sometimes like pastry and leather.”

“Doesn’t sound like it tastes good,” Dean said.

Cas laughed. “It’s hard to explain, but it tastes like you,” he said and kissed Dean again.

“Was-” Dean paused. “Before. Was that you letting go?”

Cas pursed his lips. “As much as I can right now,” he said. “Did I hurt you or scare you?”

“No!” Dean said and lifted his hand to Cas’ face before he shook his head. “No, Cas, I could sense a difference, that’s all.”

“Good or bad?” Cas asked.

“Good,” Dean said with a gentle chuckle. “Don’t you think?”

Cas nodded and put his forehead against Dean’s before kissing him and then, as Dean let his hand fall away, Cas lifted his to touch a fingertip to Dean’s bloodied lip. “I apologize for that,” Cas said.

“What?” Dean said and lifted his own finger to it and brought it back to a little blood. “Oh, what happened?”

“I bit you, don’t you remember?”

Dean chuckled. “I think I nearly blacked out, I’m lucky I can remember my own name,” Dean said.

Cas suddenly looked concerned. “You blacked out?”

Dean shook his head and smiled at Cas. “No, hon, I was just saying that I was a little busy with what I was feeling to notice you biting my lip.”

“Oh,” Cas said. “I apologize, this isn’t the first time I’ve done that.”

“Then I’ll tell you again, it’s no big deal, Cas. You wanted to bite something, you bit me, no biggie,” he said. “It’s just my lip.”

Cas considered where he really wanted to bite him but while he thought it unwise to say anything about it he also thought it might be something they should discuss, maybe Dean could explain to him why he felt that way, maybe it was something easily explained. It surely wasn’t what that usually meant. Cas had no intention of soul-bonding ever, never mind with someone who only wanted him around for four sex-filled weeks a year.

However, when he tried to voice a question he couldn’t, so he tried to think of something else to talk about. Maybe he’d lead up to it, maybe he’d ask another time.

Cas put the back of his right hand to Dean’s neck and watched Dean close his eyes and hum. “Do you feel better than earlier?”

“Not sure,” Dean said and Cas could tell it was complete honesty. “I feel less angry but barely less horny.”

“We’ve barely had sex today and this is your seventh day, if we don’t keep up it might run into day eight,” Cas said.

“What a shame that’d be,” Dean said with a sleepy rumble to his voice and Cas wasn’t sure how he’d meant that to come across.

Before he could consider it more Dean’s left arm snaked over his shoulder. “Cold,” he said as he rested his right hand on Cas’ chest, over his heart.

Cas reached behind him and pulled the sheet over them before he lay on top of Dean. “How is that?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Dean said with a smile as he held Cas to him with both arms and Cas turned his face into Dean’s neck. “You okay?”

“Yes,” Cas said. “As long as I’m not crushing you.”

Dean laughed in one exhale through his nose that made his entire body tense his muscles once, bouncing Cas with the movement. “No, I’m fine, hon,” he said and yawned. “I’m sorry we had that big argument earlier.”

“I’m not,” Cas said.

“No?” Dean asked and ran his fingers through Cas’ hair.

“There were things we clearly needed to talk about and we’ve done that,” Cas said and Dean felt his right hand stroke up Dean’s side comfortingly. “I feel closer to you that I did this morning.”

Dean hummed. “I meant what I said, Cas, you were my hero that night, and I don’t just mean with those alphas. I was on my way to meet a friend that night, he promised to get me through my first heat but I never got to meet him because of what happened.”

Cas kissed up Dean’s neck, over his jawline and onto his face, the thought of someone else doing this to Dean making him feel like he wanted to bite him all over again, to mark him as his, and only his.

“He’s in jail,” Dean said and Cas paused, mid-kiss on his jawline, “for raping an omega that night,” Cas pulled back to look at Dean who opened his eyes to look at Cas, “that woulda been me, Cas.”

Cas looked over his face, fear building up in him that someone would hurt Dean like that, his Dean. He was slowly starting to panic or get angry, he couldn’t tell.

“But it wasn’t,” Cas said and kissed him, once and long. “It wasn’t.” He wasn't sure who he was trying to reassure.

Dean nodded and let his eyes shut sleepily and Cas looked over his face, feeling the anxiety and protectiveness in his chest develop into melancholy and terror that there was nothing he could do to protect Dean from the world anymore and he really wanted to. He wanted to hold him until the world was safe for omegas to walk down the street but then he thought about a world where that was the case, where those alphas would never have touched Dean, he would have kept walking to the bar where he’d meet his friend who would have helped him through his heat and who knows what else they could have had.

And Cas wouldn’t have looked away from the stop lights until they turned green and he’d have driven off. Then years later, when a man stopped in the garage to get gas, Cas would have served him, noting how attractive he was, and the man would have paid for his gas and goods without even bothering to look at his badge. He would have left and Cas would have gotten on with his shift without a second thought to it.

With that thought Cas turned them onto their sides so that Cas could see the doorway and spot any incoming threats and pulled Dean closer to him, Dean hummed and resettled into the position with no arguments, in fact he seemed quite content to be held close and tight. Cas kissed his temple and then pulled the bed sheets up higher before staring at the door, he eventually relaxed and fell asleep but he didn’t let go of Dean which was alright, because Dean never let go of him either.

>><< 

When Cas woke up he was on his back, it was getting dark and Dean was lying with his back to Cas’ left side. He was moaning and Cas could feel the heat on his side and left arm which Dean was lying on. He turned towards him and ran his hand over Dean's forehead, wiping a layer of sweat off of the skin which he then rubbed off onto the bed sheet and replaced the back of his hand to Dean’s neck.

He heard Dean’s stomach growl over his mumbling and whimpering and decided he could wait a little while longer, Cas needed to make sure he was looking after Dean in all ways and not just relieving his heat. Cas used his right hand to gently lift Dean’s head so he could pull his arm from under him but Dean took his hand in his right and brought it to his lips to kiss and Cas settled on his left elbow and watched as Dean inhaled the scent from his hand then smiled and settled into a more relaxed sleep.

Cas managed to slip away and into the main area of the apartment. He went to the bathroom and urinated before he decided to shower as quickly as possible. When he came out he threw his jogging pants back on and felt a slight chill on his skin before he went to the kitchen and had a look at what Dean had on offer. Seeing nothing that he could make into decent dinner he grabbed jeans from his bag and a t-shirt then scribbled a note for Dean before he took his keys and locked the door behind him.

He tried to rush but he still felt like it took him forever to get some groceries and then get back to the apartment block. He got out of the taxi and practically ran up the stairs to find the door still locked. He wondered what he’d expected, even as he opened the door to find the apartment as dead as it had been when he’d left. He went to the bedroom door and found Dean had turned away from the doorway, the sheet pulled away from the back of him, and was holding Cas’ pillow to him while he muttered, he sounded agitated and Cas saw the pool of liquid that had ran from between his legs onto the bed. There was an almost dried stain where he had been lying in the night too.

Cas walked away to the kitchen and started cooking, as he did he took out his cell phone and called his assistant.

 _“Mr Novak, sir, is everything alright?”_ Becky asked immediately.

“Yes, everything is fine, I just wanted to check in,” he said.

_“I’m just about to head home, can I help you with anything in particular?”_

“Did Frances get those estimates in time?” he asked as he began breaking eggs into a mixing bowl.

 _“Yes, sir, he even sent you a thank you card, it’s on your desk. Are you still coming back on Tuesday?”_ she asked.

Cas inhaled and looked behind him, he always took a day after Dean’s heat off work. His hormones always took a dive and he felt severely depressed, at least he assumed that was why. Also, after all of the physical exercise he was overcome with a fatigue that stopped him from doing very much.

He knew that he needed to get back to work to keep on top of things and he should really update Becky, tell her that that since Dean was two days in when he called that he’d be back to work tomorrow. However, if Dean did need another day then Cas would have only Sunday to recover before he had to face everyone again on Monday. He was entitled to these days, they didn’t affect his pay or his standing. And in all honesty, even with the possibility of promotion there was no way Cas could bring himself to go back to work physically or emotionally after Dean’s first true heat. They’d been through so much already.

“Yes, I just wanted to check on everything,” Cas said as he took milk out of one of the grocery bags.

_“Everything is fine, sir. Just let me know if the plans change and you need your leave extended.”_

Cas hesitated. “I may require Tuesday morning off,” Cas said. “If you are content with that arrangement?”

 _“I will rearrange your meeting on Tuesday morning for Thursday morning, sir,”_ Cas nodded as he started pouring some milk into the bowl and mixing it. _“I will move Rachel from Tuesday lunch to Wednesday lunch? To give you a chance to catch up, sir.”_

“That’s fine,” Cas said.

 _“And your teleconference with Gadreel on Tuesday afternoon, are you able to still take that?”_ Becky asked.

“No, it would be best to move it,” Cas said and put the bowl down.

 _“Absolutely, sir, I shall get in touch with his secretary and see when he has free and get back to you,”_ she said.

“Thank you,” Cas said. “I’m sorry if I disturbed your work.”

 _“It’s quite alright, sir,”_ Becky said. _“If you need anything else, please let me know. If it would be more convenient for you, you can reach me by email also.”_

“Thank you, I might do that,” Cas said and then hung up the phone. He put it back onto the counter in front of him and set about making dinner in a rush.

When he was finished he had made smoked haddock and broccoli fil pie, there was also a side of mash potatoes and more steamed vegetables. He wasn’t an idiot either, he’d bought some pre-made pizza in case Dean wasn’t into what he’d made.

He wiped his hands, didn’t bother to clean up the kitchen and walked into the bedroom where Dean was a shade of white he’d only seen on him once before.

“Shit,” Cas said and rushed to the bed. “Dean!” he said and took his face in his hands. “Dean, wake up,” he said and felt the damp sheets all around him.

Dean mumbled under his breath, stirring a little when Cas touched him. “Cas,” he said. “I think-” He exhaled. “Help me.”

“Yes,” Cas said and rushed to pull his jeans down enough before he positioned himself at Dean’s entrance and saw him close his eyes. “Dean? Dean, stay awake.”

“I am,” Dean said, the expression on his face told Cas that it took a lot of energy for him to say that.

Dean was barely conscious, he didn’t know what he felt other than he was overcome by the heat and need coursing through his body. He reached out of Cas just as he pushed inside.

“I can’t knot you,” Cas said as he began to move. “You need to eat, I’ll do it next time.”

Dean knew better than to argue about it, as much as his nerve endings were crying out for it Dean knew he wasn’t going to get anywhere with it so he just held onto Cas’ neck with his right hand and tried to lift his right leg up Cas’ hip. He didn’t know when Cas had put a t-shirt on but he needed to feel his bare skin. When Cas felt the failed movement in Dean’s leg he pulled it up himself and thrust in harder.

“Stay awake,” Cas said and Dean opened his eyes, “please, Dean.”

“I’m trying,” Dean said and pulled Cas toward him so that they kissed. “I am.”

Cas thrust a few more times and then grunted as he put his hand between them and stopped his knot going inside and then started coming, having pushed it to the surface as quickly as possible.

Dean sighed with mild relief and let his head fall back to the bed. “Don’t move away,” Dean said to him and wiped his right hand over his face before he looked at Cas again. “You kept your knot so just don’t pull out for a few, help it stay in.”

“Okay,” Cas and leaned forward to kiss him. “Do you feel better?”

Dean nodded. “I do, actually,” he said and pulled Cas in for another kiss. “Why can I smell fish?”

“I made some dinner, I don’t know if you’ll like it but there’s frozen pizza too if you would rather have that,” Cas said.

“Did you go out?” Dean asked. “I don’t have that stuff in my refrigerator.”

“Yes,” Cas said and ran his hand through Dean’s hair, “I took your key and locked you in while I went to the grocery store, I hope that was okay.”

“Yeah,” Dean said and looked down as Cas started to pull out.

“I called in at work. Don’t worry, if you need another day I’m still on leave,” Cas said as he turned and looked at the tissues on the floor and then got up to retrieve them. He took one out and wiped himself quickly before he got back onto the bed and began to wipe Dean’s legs.

“Thanks,” Dean said and lay there, letting Cas clean him up. “I’m not sure I’m a fish person,” he said. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay, I’ll go and put the pizza on,” Cas said and kissed Dean’s forehead. “Stay here.” Dean nodded and he rushed off, fixing his pants in the process.

He came back a few minutes later and sat on the bed next to Dean again, Dean rolled towards him and groaned as he pulled his t-shirt up, allowing himself to kiss the skin there.

“It’ll be ten minutes,” Cas said. “Here, have a drink.” Dean leaned back and took a drink from the water bottle Cas offered then began kissing Cas’ chest again. “You need to drink more.”

Dean hummed and ran his right hand down Cas’ body, dipping into his jeans to his cock and pumped it. “Why don’t I drink you?”

“That wouldn’t help you,” Cas said and tightened his grip on the water bottle.

“Can’t I help you?” Dean said and kissed down Cas’ chest.

“Dean-” Cas gasped when Dean wrapped his lips around Cas’ dick and sucked. He couldn’t help but groan, as much as Dean struggled to take much more than the tip in his mouth since his penis had grown to accommodate the heat he was going to town on what he could fit. “Dean, that won’t help your heat.”

Dean lifted off, still pumping him as he put his lips against Cas’. “Then fuck me,” he said.

“You need to eat,” Cas said and offered the bottle again. “And drink.”

“Cas, come on,” Dean said and tried to lift his leg over Cas’ hip, in the process he knocked the bottle out of Cas’ hand to the bedroom floor.

“Dean!” Cas said and looked behind him with an irritated sigh.

“Sorry,” Dean said and watched Cas push him away before he got up to retrieve the bottle while it gushed all over the carpet. “It’s only water.”

“It’s not just water, Dean,” Cas said and put the almost empty bottle on the nightstand. “You made a promise to listen to me, to listen to no.”

“You didn’t say no,” Dean said as he sat up. “You just said I needed to eat.”

“Did I say yes?” Cas asked with a raised voice.

“No!” Dean shouted back and then exhaled. “No, you didn’t,” he lowered his face into his hands. “I just- I’m sorry,” he said and lifted his head. “It’s like it’s the only thing that matters, the only thing I can think of.” He shook his head. “I didn’t mean to knock the bottle out of your hand, I was just trying to get you to knot me.” He shrugged, despondently. “Even though you _told_ me, it’s still in the back of my head, but in my hands too and my knees and it’s just everywhere.”

Cas put his hand out and Dean looked from it to Cas’ face.

“Dinner,” he said. “And then you can get what you want.”

Dean took his hand and let Cas pull him to his feet, then watched him dip to pick up Dean’s pants and held them out. Dean took them and put them on as Cas turned and left the room. He mentally kicked himself and then walked out to see Cas bending down to check the oven and then fixing something on the shelf and closing the door again.

Dean walked across the living area to the bathroom and closed himself inside the room without a word. He washed his face and urinated and then brushed his teeth before he left again. When he walked to the kitchen it was to Cas putting a pizza on a plate on the table at the place facing the oven. There was a plate of something already at the place to its right, facing away from the fridge, and two bottles of water and two beers.

“Will that suffice?” Cas asked and gestured to the meal.

“Yeah, Cas, thanks,” Dean said as he sat down.

Cas nodded and opened Dean’s bottle of water before holding it out to him. Dean took it with a dip of his head and drank almost a third of it as Cas sat down and watched him. He sighed as he put it down and looked to Cas.

“What?” Dean asked. “I was thirsty.” He picked up a slice of pizza and began to eat, ignoring the taste of mint lingering, while his eyes roamed to what Cas’ plate. “What is that?” he asked with a mouthful.

“Smoked haddock and broccoli pilo pie, mashed potatoes and steamed vegetables,” Cas said.

“What’s the sauce?” Dean asked as he took another bite of his pizza.

“I used parsley instead of lemon and dill,” Cas said. “I prefer it and I wasn’t sure you’d even eat this.”

“Well, you were right,” Dean said.

“I thought you liked pie?” Cas asked.

“Yeah, but fish isn’t something I like a whole lot,” Dean said and looked at his pizza. “Pepperoni, on the other hand.” He took another bite of his now almost gone first slice. “That I will never get bored of.”

Cas took a drink of his beer and then cut into his pie to take a bite.

They ate in relative silence while they realized how hungry they actually were and to Cas’ surprise Dean finished the water before he began to drank the beer. Once they started to slow down Dean got them a couple more beers and then sat back down.

“How was the pie?” Dean asked.

“Good,” Cas said. “How was your pizza?”

“It was nice,” Dean said. “Didn’t realize I was so hungry.” He was looking at Cas’ plate. “Hey, can I try the crust?” he asked.

“Sure,” Cas said and pushed his plate towards Dean.

“I don’t want any of that fish stuff but I can’t turn down pie crust, man,” he used Cas’ offered fork to pick some up, it had some sauce on it and Dean gave it a disgusted look before he put it in his mouth anyway. “Hey, that’s not bad,” he said and gave Cas his fork back. “When’d you learn to make pie?”

Cas shrugged. “I read a recipe,” he said.

“Yeah?” Dean asked as he finished chewing and picked up a crust of his pizza he’d left and began to munch on that. “So, you got tomorrow off too?”

“Yes,” Cas said and looked to Dean as he ate some of what was left on his plate, “I’m free if you need me, but I don’t have to be here if you don’t.”

Dean took a drink of his beer and looked at Cas. He wanted to ask Cas if he would stay either way but he couldn’t. Cas didn’t speak for the sake of it and so he’d made himself clearer than anyone else could have – he was there if Dean needed him, if and only if.

Dean nodded and looked to his plate, thinking about what it’d be like for them to be together outside of his heat. They’d already slept together without Dean’s heat driving him but to just sit around, to eat together and watch TV without Dean’s heat being the motivation was like a fairy-tale of sorts to Dean – it would never actually happen. Dean wondered if he’d want something like that, if he’d actually want Cas here without his heat. He already knew the answer to that – he hated it when Cas left, even though he looked forward to going back to work and getting out of the apartment whenever he came back the place always seemed cold and empty.

Seeing the faraway look on Dean’s face Cas put his beer down. “If you’re in need, tell me,” he said.

Dean scoffed awkwardly and stood up from the table with his plate. “Not exactly the best line, Cas,” he said and took his plate to the sink where he leaned, letting his head hang.

Cas watched him. “I wasn’t trying to spin you a line, Dean, I was trying to let you know that if you want-”

“And what about what you want?” Dean asked but didn’t look up.

Cas stood up and stepped behind Dean. “I always want you,” he said and he saw Dean scoff. “Is that what you want, Dean?” Cas asked, tilting his head to the side but extending his neck in an attempt to see Dean’s hidden face. “Is that what’s missing here, you want me to make myself clear, do you want me to come onto you?”

“You never do,” Dean said. “It’s always me, asking for it, _begging_ for it,” Dean said, disgusted. “You only come to me when I look like I need your help.”

“Because this is about you,” Cas said. “Dean, there’s only so much your body can take so I leave it to you to tell me when you want it because that’s what I’m here for. I’m here to help you, not help myself.”

“I don’t want help, Cas!” Dean shouted as he turned to look at Cas. “I don’t want _helped_ through my heat, I might need that but it’s not what I want, I want-” He exhaled.

“What, Dean? What do you want?” Cas asked, taking a step towards him.

“Why do you think I keep telling you to let go, Cas, besides the fact I want you to be free of all that, everything you do is calculated, there is a reason behind every move you make. I want you to just-” He grunted in frustration. “I want to feel like you want me.” He shrugged, a little emotional. “I feel like such a girl right now but it’s the truth. When we’re _helping me_ I feel like there is nothing you want more but it’s always because I need you. Do you ever need me, want me, Cas?”

Cas stalked towards him and paused before he reached down and lifted Dean without warning onto the counter, which still had flour and the pizza wrapper on it as well as a few dollops of parsley sauce. Dean watched him pull Dean’s jogging pants off in just a few tugs, not looking away from Dean at all, his eyes bore into Dean’s and Dean was sure he’d never seen a more beautiful sight. It took his breath away, he was filled with anticipation for what it meant, for what he was about to do and he could feel something on his skin, it tingled, but what it was Dean had no idea and no head space to figure it out either.

Cas dropped Dean’s pants to the floor and then stood in between Dean’s legs again before he pulled Dean’s legs to his side and urging him to wrap them around his back which Dean did and then as Cas took a step backwards Dean came with him and Cas’ hand shot out to cup Dean’s head as it whipped back, almost hitting the small cupboard on the wall behind him. He then brought Dean’s head forward, kissing him hard while he moved his hands to Dean’s hips again and pushing into him.

Dean hummed into Cas’ mouth and brought his own hands to cup Cas’ head and scrape his fingernails over Cas’ shoulders and neck.

“I’ve been wanting to do this since the first time we had sex in here,” Cas whispered against his lips.

“Really?” Dean asked and groaned when Cas nodded and thrust hard. “You gonna knot me?”

“That depends,” he said and Cas moved his right arm in between him and used it to hook under Dean’s knee and bring it up further. “I said that once we’d eaten-” He groaned. “You’d get what you want. Do you want my knot?”

“Yes,” Dean said and pulled Cas in closer with his arms and tightening his legs around Cas’ hips. “Yes, Cas.”

“Then yes,” Cas said and kissed Dean’s lips hard, letting his teeth scrape over the barely healed over bite.

“You gonna bit me, Cas?” Dean asked in a sultry whisper against Cas’ lips.

“What?” Cas asked, his hips stuttering as he tried to keep his rhythm.

“You can bite my lip if you want to,” Dean said. “It’s okay.”

Cas didn’t answer, he just began to kiss Dean’s throat, Dean tilted his head back to allow him access, hitting it off of the cupboard door but neither of them paid attention. He heard Cas breathing harshly and felt his grip on his upper thigh as he pulled Dean to him in time with his thrusts and then he grunted a few times before he came, fully seated in Dean.

Dean exhaled and lowered his head as Cas let his head drop to Dean’s shoulder.

“I need to go to the gym,” Cas said and heard Dean laugh so he smiled.

“This is much more fun,” Dean said and Cas lifted his head to Dean looking at him as he ran his finger through Cas’ hair.

“I will not dispute that,” Cas said and kissed him.

“Is that the same as agreeing?” Dean asked with a smile.

“Yes,” Cas said when they heard a loud bang outside they both leaned, Dean to his right and Cas to his left, to look out of the kitchen window to see Sam closing the trunk of his car.

“Aw, shit,” Dean said. “We need to turn the lights out.”

Cas lifted him for the counter and they burled around the apartment doing just that.

“Does he have a key?” Cas asked and they paused.

“Chain,” Dean said and they ran to the door to put the chain on just as they heard footsteps. Cas stopped right behind the door and they froze, looking at each other.

The footsteps went passed and Cas looked to Dean for instruction.

“Bedroom?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Dean said and when Cas walked towards it Dean gripped his shoulder. “No, bathroom.” Cas stopped and looked at him. “If I’m in bed he’ll expect me to open the door, if I’m in the shower I can say I’m ill and tell him to get lost.” Cas looked unsure. “Hey, I’m making this up as I go.”

They both looked to the door when they heard more footsteps and then Cas took off for the bathroom and spun into the room, Dean closing the door behind them and Cas resting Dean against it.

“If you’re in the shower why are all of the lights out?” Cas asked.

Dean hesitated and then scrunched up his face. “Shut up,” he said and they both listened.

They heard knocking at the door and then a pause before there was more knocking. And then louder knocking.

“Dean?” Sam’ voice traveled. “Dean, open up, it’s only me.”

“We have got to do this at yours once,” Dean said and Cas smiled so Dean did too.

“Dean, come on!” Sam called.

Cas leaned and kissed Dean’s neck.

“Really?” Dean asked him and huffed when Cas shrugged.

Cas kissed him more insistently as he shifted Dean in his arms and, feeling like he nearly dropped him, he thrust up to hold him and Dean groaned.

They heard the door being opened and hitting the chain but by then neither cared as Dean gripped Cas’ shoulder as he thrust, as much as he could without pulling out, into Dean. His knot prevented him from much movement but what they could get they could feel with sensitive skin and just as sensitive lips as they kissed.

“Dean, will you open this door or I’m gonna think something’s wrong,” Sam said, trying to angle his head into the gap in the chain. He could smell food and knew his brother was probably just too deep in his heat to move so, he decided to close the door. However, he hesitated when he saw that trench coat again, hanging up by the door. He put his hand on it and felt that it was about the same temperature as the room, not cold like outside, therefore it wasn’t a new arrival. He slowly closed the door and tried to consider what it could mean as he descended the stairs to his car again. He certainly couldn’t see his brother wearing one.

Cas kissed Dean as he came again, in an attempt to silence himself so that no one outside the room could hear him and Dean felt the rumble in his throat while he held Dean’s hip and then let go with his right hand which he lifted to cup Dean’s face and kiss him.

Sam was long gone and neither even noticed for a few minutes at least.

>><< 

When they could pull apart Dean went into the shower and Cas changed into the jogging pants for comfort before he changed the bed sheets. Dean took a few minutes to bask in the warm water running over his skin, he felt disgusting, even though Cas had cleaned him up he felt like he could still feel the dried fluid on his thighs. He scrubbed the skin with the hard side of a sponge and jumped out when he heard the TV go on in the sitting area.

He walked out in just a towel to see Cas lean over to put a bowl on the table and turn to watch Dean walk into the kitchen.

“You didn’t happen to grab some of that heat body wash at the store, did you?” Dean asked as he went to the one bag left on the counter.

“I did,” Cas said and Dean smiled as he took it out of the bag.

“Awesome,” he said and put it down.

“Would you like me to put some moisturizer on you?” Cas asked and Dean looked over his shoulder at him.

“Yeah, sure,” he said as he turned back to the bag and heard Cas walk away to the bathroom to find it. Dean paused when he saw something in the bag that shocked him and he didn’t know why. “Cas?” he asked and turned as Cas walked out of the bathroom and towards him. “What’s this stuff?” He turned to Cas who approached him and gestured to a box of cherries and some meat.

“Forgive me but I purchased some ingredients for a meal of cheeseburgers and pie, I wasn’t sure if you’d want to have it tonight or tomorrow so I thought it best to ask before I stored them in the refrigerator.” He gestured to the fridge.

“You liked them?” Dean asked.

Cas nodded twice. “Very much,” he said.

“Okay,” Dean said. “We can have them for dinner tomorrow.”

“Very well,” Cas said and watched as Dean began to store the various foods in their appropriate places while he held the moisturizer in his right hand.

Dean glanced from Cas to the TV and then the bowl as he put the foods in the refrigerator. “So, what’s in the bowl?” he asked as he closed the fridge door.

“Popcorn,” Cas said and looked to it then to Dean whose face was questioning. “It was beside the counter and the assistant asked if I wanted some for a dollar, I panicked.”

Dean smiled and shook his head as he walked around the couch to the other side, Cas did the same at the other side.

“I didn’t think you could feel panic,” Dean said as he picked up the bowl and sat down and back against the sofa as he looked from the TV to Cas when he sat down.

“Why would you think that?” Cas asked and when Dean offered him the bowl he took a few kernels then looked to them.

“I don’t know,” Dean said and shrugged. “You always look so calm, like indifferent.”

“I guess looks can be deceiving then,” Cas said and Dean watched him.

“Yeah, I guess so,” Dean said, wondering if that was the case – if it wasn’t that Cas didn’t care it just seemed that way but underneath was a different story.

“Sit forward,” Cas said and Dean looked to his hands as he poured moisturizer on his hands.

Dean leaned forward and hissed a little when the cold from the lotion touched his skin but Cas rubbed it over his shoulders and down his back without letting it sit cold for too long. Dean hummed and put a handful of kernels in his mouth, dropping two back into the bowl as Cas’ hands gripped and massaged his shoulder.

“Face me,” Cas said and dropped his hands.

“I was enjoying that,” Dean said and shuffled to face Cas, still looking at the TV as he chewed, holding the bowl out to the side in his left hand.

“Maybe later,” Cas said and Dean looked to him as he spread moisturizer on his chest.

“Are you okay?” Dean asked.

“I’m not sure you will go into another day,” Cas said, trying not to admit that this upset him in a way; while he was happy that Dean wouldn’t suffer for longer he was upset at the thought of having to leave.

“You don’t know that,” Dean said.

“Stand up,” Cas said and Dean did so, facing away from Cas and leaned to put the bowl on the table before he dropped his towel to the couch and felt Cas begin to moisturize down his legs. “Don’t forget my sciatic area, I’ve been really tense there.”

Cas glared at the back of Dean’s head, trying not to smile, as he put more on his hands and rubbed them over Dean’s buttocks. As he did he could smell the faint whiff of burning rubber, as if it were just outside the door.

“Turn,” Cas said and Dean did just that.

“See, you’re either ruining this massage for me or making it even better,” Dean said as Cas rubbed moisturizer over Dean’s legs and when he glanced over Dean’s groin Dean jumped, theatrically. He huffed when Cas closed the bottle and sat down heavily on the towel. “Shoulda drained the pipes in the shower,” he muttered to himself.

“You mean, you didn’t?” Cas asked as he rubbed his hands on his jogging pants and Dean reached for the bowl of popcorn.

“Nope,” Dean said.

“Why not?” Cas asked and looked to his penis, he saw it merely semi-erect that could be explained by Cas touching him but his balls gave away his need for release.

Dean shrugged. “Don’t know,” he said. “Didn’t think about it.” He flexed his leg. “I am now.”

Cas reached out for the bowl and Dean, seeing the movement, held it out in offering of the popcorn. Cas, however, took the bowl and put it on the table before he looked to Dean’s face and took Dean’s dick in his right hand and pumped it slowly.

“Cas, you don’t have to do anything, I was just-” Dean moaned and let his head fall back, giving away just how desperately in need of a release he was.

Cas saw no reason for something that was clearly going to be a short-lived experience not to be as good so he leaned into Dean’s ear. “The next time you need something, ask me,” he said and Dean nodded, “because next time you’ll last longer, longer with my hand doing this-” Dean moaned and his right hand reached for Cas who used his left to put it on his shoulder and Dean gripped it. “Longer with my mouth-” Dean nodded. “Or straddling you.” Dean bit his lip and tried to stifle it.

“Cas-” He lifted his hand from Cas’ shoulder to Cas’ face. “Cas, can you-?”

“What?” Cas asked. “What do you want?”

“Your- Your mouth,” he said.

Cas wasted no time in leaning over and taking him in his mouth, Dean gasped and then his hands moved to Cas’ hair and his shoulder.

“Aw god,” Dean said, nearly choking as he pushed his hips up and strained out a groan when he suddenly came, much to both of their surprise judging by the gasp Dean gave and the grunt Cas managed.

Cas lifted up and swallowed before he stood up and walked away to the refrigerator. Dean’s eyes opened at the movement and he turned to follow his movements.

“That uh- I was backed up-” Dean pointed to Cas. “That’s why I was so- premature,” he said and nodded to Cas who looked at him when he closed the door and returned with two beers. “You know that, right?”

Cas rounded the couch and held out a beer. “Yes,” he said and nodded.

“Good,” Dean said and took the beer, twisting the lid off and taking a long drink before he gasped into the air. “That was unexpected.”

“Although evidently overdue,” Cas said and took a drink, smiling despite himself when Dean looked to him.

“Hey!” Dean said and laughed when Cas did then leaned forward for the popcorn and when Cas reached for some he pulled the bowl away.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a lot of plans tomorrow so I won't have time to get you the chapter. And instead of being late I thought I'd give you it early. Enjoy!

Dean was woke out of his sleep by a ringing, he was lying on his right side so he put his arm back for his cell phone without moving, forgetting he wasn't alone, and Cas put his right hand out in front of his face to push Dean’s arm away from where it was currently rubbing against his nose. He reached for the cell phone and handed it to Dean who mumbled a thanks and answered it.

“’lo?” Dean mumbled, tucking the cell phone between his right ear and the pillow.

 _“Dean, where are you?”_ Sam asked.

“In bed, why?” Dean said, feeling Cas move in close behind him and smiled to himself as Cas settled against his back and Dean lifted his left arm up to allow Cas to put his arm around Dean and pull him close.

 _“I came round earlier but you wouldn’t open up and when you didn’t text me back I got worried,”_ he said.

“Oh yeah, sorry,” Dean said. “I wasn’t feeling too good so I couldn’t move from my bed.”

“Couldn’t move from my cock,” Cas whispered in his ear and gasped when Dean kicked his shin. He smiled and kissed Dean’s neck again.

 _“Are you sure?”_ Sam said. _“I’m on my way over, answer the door this time.”_

“What?” Dean turned a little to look at Cas. “No, Sam, I’m not over it yet, I’ll see you at the bunker.”

 _“Dean-”_ Sam said.

“Sam, really, don’t ask me to let you see me like this, not after the hospital,” Dean said.

Sam exhaled on the other end. _“Fine, but at least come to the balcony so I know you’re not lying dead.”_

“Deal,” Dean said and hung up the phone, feeling Cas move his hand to Dean’s buttock and smacked it. “Hey!” he said.

“You kicked me,” he said.

“Sam coulda heard you,” Dean said.

Cas wondered why Dean was so ashamed by him, if that was indeed what Dean found so distasteful about the idea that Sam might know about him. He tried to figure out if it was knowing about an alpha or about _him_ that Dean was trying to prevent.

“Anyway, he’s driving past, managed to talk him out of coming up but I gotta go to the balcony,” Dean said as he got up out of the covers and found his bathrobe to wrap around him. “I won’t be long.”

“Take as long as you need,” Cas said and sat up, rubbing his hair but not looking at Dean.

Dean went outside to the balcony, it was getting light out. He figured Sam had to have been on his way back from a hunt or on his way out to one. It was too damn early for Dean either way. He felt the cool air on his skin. He quickly decided that it was more than cool as he started to shiver. “Come on, Sam,” he muttered to himself. He inhaled sharply and found himself shivering for a different reason. “Need to get back in, man.”

He turned when he heard the toilet flush and he smiled when Cas looked at him but Cas merely looked away and sat on the couch, rubbing the sleep from his face.

Dean turned back around when he heard a car horn and saw his brother’s car idling across the street. He waved and then turned to go back inside as Sam drove on, satisfied that his brother wasn’t nearly dead, away from the general direction of the bunker.

“Hey,” Dean said and slowly walked towards Cas, “you wanna go back to bed?”

Cas looked ahead but didn’t answer, he couldn't.

“Cas?” Dean said and sat down next to him. “What’s wrong?” He lifted his right hand to Cas’ face but barely touched it before Cas pulled away and stood up, walking into the bedroom. “Cas, what the hell?” Dean asked as he followed him. “What’s up your butt?”

Dean closed the door behind him, looking at Cas as he fussed with the bed sheets but still he got no answer. He looked down as Cas approached him and pulled at the tie to his bathrobe.

“What-?” Dean asked but was cut short as Cas rounded him to take it off. “Cas, what is going on?”

“You wanted to go back to bed,” Cas said as he hung the bathrobe up on the back of the door. “So get into bed.”

Dean hesitated, not sure if this was maybe what Cas was like when he let go but, not wanting to discourage the very thing he’d been encouraging, he went. He walked to the side of the bed and got in, he saw Cas disappear behind him and then felt him get in behind him as he put his cell phone in the drawer, hoping Sam wouldn’t call again. He’d barely opened the drawer when he felt Cas settle behind him and push in, without warning.

Dean let out a surprise moan and dropped his cell phone to the floor, moving his hand to grip the mattress as Cas immediately began hard and fast, holding onto Dean’s hip.

“Cas,” Dean said, “warn a guy, huh?” He finished that with a groan as he let his head drop into the pillow.

“You asked me to go to bed,” Cas said, his tone rough and yet abrupt, “was it to sleep?” Dean just shook his head. “Well then.” He pushed in harder and Dean reached his right hand up to the top on the mattress and gripped there, pulling against it.

He felt Cas roll him as much onto his front as he would go and lift off of his left elbow behind him, putting both elbows into the pillow beside Dean’s head, jabbing Dean’s arm for a second before he moved it over a little.

“Cas, are- are you alright?” Dean asked.

“I’m fine,” Cas said, his voice level but sharp, Dean thought he sounded angry and it felt like it too. “Isn’t this what you want?” he asked. “Hard, fast, sounds like you like it.”

“Cas-” Dean couldn’t help the sounds that were coming out of his mouth even as he tried to bury them in his pillow, his eyes were closed tight and his jaw was set just the same. It felt so good Dean thought he was going to pass out it was too much but there was something, a little inkling that was bothering him. This wasn’t like Cas at all, he could be hard and fast but his grip on Dean’s hip was almost punishing and Cas was never like that. There was something else too, but Dean couldn’t think what it was. Dean couldn’t think.

Cas’ jaw was set too, but not from the pleasure, from the rage in him. He wasn’t sure who he was most angry at – Dean or himself. He knew what this was, what this had always been – an alpha getting an omega through his heats, that’s all. But somehow it had felt like more and Cas knew he was stupid for letting himself think that. To think he’d actually felt like he’d wanted to bite Dean made him embarrassed and annoyed, to feel like he was there because of him rather than his biology made him feel naive and childish. Dean was embarrassed, it didn’t matter whether it was because he had an alpha or because that alpha was Cas because they were both the same to him. Cas knew that now and he hated himself for not knowing it sooner even though Dean had said it enough times, Dean had even said that he should get another alpha if Cas couldn’t do the job right, he’d said those words out loud, it didn’t matter what he’d said before or after because during times of distress are when people spoke the truth. And there it was.

Cas moved his right elbow from resting in the pillow to holding Dean’s hip and back again, he didn’t want to hold him if truth be told but Dean was pushing back too much. Cas felt like he didn’t want to touch him at all, he didn’t want his chest to touch Dean’s back, he didn’t want to grip Dean’s hip bone. He realized he was definitely angrier at himself than Dean because, even knowing all of that, he knew he wouldn’t walk away. He couldn’t. So, instead, he’d give Dean what he needed – an alpha getting him through his heat – and nothing more. He’d have to step back, be less personal, answer to what the situation really needed and not what his fantasies had conjured up for him.

Dean’s left hand came up and back to touch Cas’ head but he couldn’t find it so he lowered his hand and tried to take Cas’ but he only found Cas’ forearm and it was quickly pulled away. He resorted to gripping to mattress with that hand too and then put it out to the headboard to stop his head from hitting it.

“Cas, fucking-” He inhaled hard before he groaned and begun to come, out of nowhere.

Cas recognized it now and knew then that this is what Dean really wanted, that was the proof, Cas didn’t even have to touch him, he just had to fuck him hard and fast enough and any alpha could do that. Cas closed his eyes and thought about before, about the times they rolled around and watched as the gentle twitch in Dean’s brow became harsher as Cas' knot swelled, just before Cas was about to come, how he might grip Cas’ shoulder just a little, Cas could never decide if it was in preparation or letting Cas know it was okay. Cas thought about the way Dean had ran his fingers through Cas’ hair as he sucked on his cock and the way they’d laughed after.

That’s how Cas came this time, from memories and echoes.

When he felt a tear on his cheek he wiped it away quicker than he could produce it, refusing to let Dean see it. He couldn’t let Dean see, omegas weren’t supposed to see alphas’ weaknesses, not unless they were in relationships of sorts and trusted each other. So Cas wiped it away on the back of his hand and then on his hip as he heard Dean exhaling hard into the pillow before trying to move it out of the way.

Cas wanted to pull away, sit on the edge of the bed and wait until Dean needed him again. But he couldn’t, he was stuck. He wished he had kept the knot from Dean, part practicality, part spite. Instead he rolled them so that he was on his left and then moved his left arm up, bending it so that it was under his head, then let his right rest on his side.

“That was um-” Dean said, noticing that Cas didn’t ask if it was okay. “That was different.”

“You wanted it harder and faster, that’s what I gave you,” Cas said, closing his eyes and wishing he could sleep away this time attached.

Dean tried to look over his shoulder at Cas. “What’s going on with you?” he asked and put his right hand back, taking Cas’ and pulling it around him. “Anyone would think you were pissed.” He flinched when Cas moved his arm, pulling it away and resting it on his side. “Okay, you’re definitely in a bad mood.”

“After the amount of mood swings you’ve had I’m sure you can permit me this one,” Cas said. “After all, you got what you needed.”

Dean’s face scrunched into confusion. “Hey!” he said and nudged Cas with his elbow, Cas shook a little with the movement and opened his eyes, looking at Dean. “Don’t talk to me like that, Cas, like I’m- like I’m nothing to you.”

Cas’ eyes bore into Dean, if there hadn’t have been anger there before there was now. “You mean how you treat me?” Cas said and Dean looked aggressively confused.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Dean asked.

“All of this hiding and ‘Sam coulda heard’ business,” Cas said. “What exactly is the big deal if Sam finds out, Dean? Is it that you’re spreading your legs or spreading them for me?”

Dean looked hurt. “You never talk to me like that,” he said and turned further away.

“Dean,” Cas said and pulled his shoulder back, “don’t act the vulnerable omega with his feelings hurt.” Dean looked over his shoulder at him. “You don’t know what it’s like hiding and feeling like a dirty secret, okay? I’m just trying to be here with you- for you- be here for you and I get nothing except shame.” He threw Dean’s shoulder and laid back down.

“It’s not shame,” Dean said softly and Cas scoffed. “Okay maybe it is!” Dean shouted and turned to look at Cas. “Maybe a part of me is still ashamed that I need someone, excuse me for being the typical guy, okay? But in case you forgot, this is new to me!”

“It’s new to me too,” Cas said.

“Yeah? You can get on with your life without ever having to turn your head, you don’t know what it’s like for me okay, to need anyone, I need my brother when I go hunting, I don’t tell him that but I do. And maybe that’s why I got so pissed about Chrissy, not that he took a kid along or that he got shot but that he could replace me with a little girl, okay? Or any of the other hunters.” He sighed. “But that’s not exactly new. This is new, this is nothing I’ve ever came across. I don’t like leaning on people Cas and I don’t just lean on you I depend on you and that cuts me deep.”

Cas lifted up on his elbow and looked at Dean as much as he could see him.

“It took me a long time to admit that I depend on my brother, but he’s my brother, I’ve carried him out of two fires, I’ve taken bullets for him, hell he’s taken them for me. And I’d do it all over again. I’d go to Hell and back for that kid. He’s my brother but he’s my brother in arms too. Everything I’ve ever experienced in my life has either been with him or with my work.” He wiped his face and Cas wondered if he were crying. “I don’t want Sam to know about this, not because of you, Cas, or because I’m ashamed of what we’re doing. Because I don’t understand it but, also, I guess, because this is the first thing that has been mine. Not Sam’s and mine, not the job's and mine but mine.”

After a few minutes while Cas took in what he'd said and felt the lump of guilt settle in his stomach Dean felt Cas slip his arm around his waist and pull the sheet up before he kissed his shoulder and Dean realized what had been missing when they’d been having sex – Cas had never kissed any part of him.

“Sounds pathetic,” Dean said.

“No it doesn’t,” Cas said and kissed his shoulder again. “I just didn’t understand.” He kissed Dean’s neck and Dean closed his eyes, feeling some kind of relief from it. “I thought you were embarrassed by this or by me.” Dean shook his head. “But it’s not as simple as that, I know that now.”

“You were angry,” Dean said.

“Yes,” Cas said pulled Dean closer with his right arm.

“So, we just had angry sex?” Dean asked.

“Well, _I_ did,” Cas said and smiled when he heard Dean laugh. “You seemed to enjoy it.”

“Yeah,” Dean said and looked down to where his semen was on the bed where he had been lying and on his chest, somehow Cas had missed it when he put his arm around him. “Tell me about it.” He sighed. “Next time, if you could not be as distant that’d be better.”

“What do you mean?” Cas asked.

“You barely touched me, when I tried to touch you you pulled away,” Dean said. “You didn’t kiss me once, if I wanted sex for the sake of sex, Cas, I wouldn’t be doing this.”

Cas used his right hand to turn Dean’s face to his and kissed him on the lips, hard and not just once, before he pulled back. “I’m sorry, baby,” he said.

“Okay,” Dean said and nodded. Cas moved to kiss his neck again and then he groaned when Cas pushed his hips against Dean’s “Don’t push it,” he said and felt Cas smile.

“Did you see Sam?” Cas asked.

“Yeah, he parked up and waved and then left again, the guy’s got some serious issues,” he said.

“How so?” Cas asked and settled on the bed behind Dean.

“Well, that’s needy, not to mention creepy, just driving by to wave,” Dean said.

“He drove to come up but you talked him out of it,” Cas reminded him. “And you didn’t see what you were like during your first heat, you’d be worried about you too.” Dean felt Cas squeeze him tighter.

“Sam didn’t see that though,” he turned a little, “did he?”

“No,” Cas said. “But he’s your brother, he’s allowed to be worried about you. You’re lucky,” he added.

“Only child, Cas?” Dean asked.

“I had brothers, not brothers in blood, in the home I stayed, before I was adopted,” Cas said and then felt like he had to elaborate. “I lived as Jimmy Novak until I tried to get a copy of my birth certificate when I applied for a driver’s license, it turned out that my adoptive parents never officially changed my name. I always had a feeling that my name wasn’t my own.”

“You were registered and then given up?” Dean asked.

“Yes,” Cas said. “As far as I understand it, my mother had me out of wedlock. She was a drug addict and all of the doctors were dumbfounded when I came out completely untouched by the drugs that she decided I was a miracle, so she named me after an angel. I don’t know why she chose that particular one. She died when I was just six weeks old.”

“I’m sorry, Cas,” Dean said.

Cas smiled. “My childhood was full of love, my mothers were the perfect parents for me, but I always felt like I belonged to a big family.” He shrugged. “I can’t explain the feeling but I’ve always had it.”

“Maybe you’re meant to have one,” Dean said. “A big family.”

“Maybe,” Cas said and they lay side by side; Cas staring at the ceiling and the back of Dean’s head, Dean at the floor and doorway, thinking about the little brother who he poured cereal for and taught to shave while Dad only cared about shooting and revenge.

>><< 

They must have fallen asleep because when Cas opened his eyes again he was in bed alone and the clock told him it was approaching three in the afternoon. He heard movement and the TV in the living area and when he looked down he saw evidence that Dean had cleaned up the mess he’d made while Cas had slept. He’d even cleaned Cas up Cas noticed and smiled to himself as he pushed the sheets back and stood up.

He picked up his jogging pants and walked to the closed door to listen for voices of any visitor Dean might have allowed inside while he was asleep as he pulled them on. It was hard to tell because he heard a conversation but also music and he heard Dean singing.

He opened the door a crack and then saw Dean in the kitchen area dancing slightly and looked to the rest of the apartment, seeing it was empty. He then stepped out and watched Dean, dressed in jeans and a shirt, shake his hips as he sang along to a song Cas had heard on his car radio more times than he could count. It was by a woman whose name he never caught but the song was called _‘Shake It Off’_ which you couldn’t forget.

He heard Dean singing, sometimes under his breath, sometimes louder and smirked, quite happy to stand and watch him.

“Cause the angels gonna play, play play, and the demons gonna hate, hate hate-” He spun on his heels as he sang and stopped dead, looking at Cas. “H- Hey!” he said and walked to the radio and fumbled with it, trying to turn it over or off, anything. “Hey, sleepy head, how’d you sleep?” It clicked off.

“Fine, thank you,” Cas said and walked over to him, glancing back to the TV as the volume could be heard now. “Why didn’t you wake me?” he asked as he put his hand to Dean’s forehead. “How are you feeling?”

“I feel good,” Dean said and Cas noticed while he didn’t stop Cas touching him or pull away he didn’t seem to be relieved by it either, meaning he was probably out of his heat.

“Good,” Cas said and moved his hand to Dean’s neck and watched him tilt his head to let him. “You look good.”

“Not so bad yourself,” Dean said with a smirk and turned to the counter as soon as Cas let him go. “I was just getting started on the pie for later.” He turned the top half of his body to look at Cas. “If you’re still game?”

“Yes, of course,” Cas said and found himself a little disappointed that Dean didn’t need him anymore, he had no excuse for touching him, for being near him, for being here at all, actually. “But we don’t have to- if you don’t want-”

“Hey, I’m always up for pie,” Dean said.

“Right,” Cas said and looked to the side. “Well, can I help in any way?” Cas asked as he took a step back from Dean, after realizing that he was probably too close to him now.

“No, it’s okay, I got it,” Dean said, glancing to his step.

“I’ll shower then,” Cas said and headed off for the bathroom.

“Yeah,” Dean said and focused on the counter, he turned his head over his right shoulder to see Cas disappear out of the kitchen and then looked back to the pie crust he was making.

When Cas came back he went into the bedroom and came back out dressed in the jeans and t-shirt he’d put on to go to the store and Dean wondered just how the hell that was fair, the guy looked even better like that then he could have expected. Dean didn’t know but Cas had spent most of the time he was in the bedroom fixing his hair.

While neither of them got further than socks on their feet Dean still swallowed against the slight panic in his throat that Cas was just going to pick up his bag and walk out of the door while Cas had deliberately not put shoes on to make sure Dean knew he wasn’t going to.

Cas sat on the couch and watched the TV on the same channel Dean had left it, at first it had been the music channel which was actually playing classic rock hits or Dean would never had indulged it, but then it moved on to party hits by the time Dean had been making the pie in the kitchen. Now however, Cas was watching an actual program of sorts _._

Dean closed the oven and looked around, now all he had to do was wait for the food to cook, the pie could cool while they ate their burgers. He’d managed to attempt to clean up as he went along but the place could do with another sweep. He decided it could wait until Cas was gone, he didn’t have long left with him after all, and he wasn’t going to spend it cleaning. He walked over to the back of the couch and stopped, looking at the TV. “What are you watching?” he asked, looking down at Cas and putting his hands on the back of the couch, either side of Cas’ head, wishing he could move one hand to his shoulder, run the other through Cas’ hair, kiss him, let his arms hang around his neck.

“ _Keeping Up with the Kardashians,_ ” Cas said. “I have one question.” He turned a little to his right. “People usually earn celebrity status because they have a special talent, singing or writing for example.” He pointed to the TV. “What are their talents?”

Dean scoffed. “No one knows,” he said and Cas turned to look up at him. “The chicks, their dad was some golf pro or something. Other than that.” He shrugged. “Her-” He said and pointed to the screen so Cas looked. “Her sex video was leaked a few years ago, apparently that’s her talent.”

“You didn’t watch it?” Cas asked.

“Of course I did,” Dean said. “Pretty sure I can do it better,” he mumbled. “You didn’t watch it?”

Cas shook his head. “I didn’t know it existed, and what would be the point,” he said and settled back against the couch. Dean looked down when he felt Cas put his head against his left hand and sighed. “I’m gay.”

“Yeah,” Dean said and then lifted his right hand to run through Cas’ hair, his hand almost trembled and he refused to acknowledge it. Cas closed his eyes and hummed and Dean felt himself relax into it more. He didn’t know why he suddenly felt scared or nervous but when he thought about leaning down and kissing Cas’ neck he was almost glad when the egg timer went off.

Cas immediately lifted his head and leaned forward for the remote. “This is too confusing,” he said and changed the channel. “Are you sure you don’t need help?” he asked and then tilted his head back to look up at Dean.

“No, no I’m good,” Dean said. “You- You watch that,” he said and pointed to the TV before he backed up, right into the chair and dining table. Cas didn’t notice he just concentrated on the next program, something about haunted houses.

Dean felt like a spirit had passed through him, goose pimples stayed on his arms until he served dinner. He looked to Cas who hadn’t moved from the couch yet because he didn’t know Dean was done. He looked around at the lights, they were off from earlier, the only lights were from the kitchen area where Dean had been preparing and the TV, so he then searched in a cupboard and found an old candlestick from one Halloween and a red, half-used candle and put it in the stick and then on the table. He stood looking at it and then decided that an unlit candle always looks stupid so he took out his lighter and lit it. He snapped it closed and put it in his pocket to stare at it.

The noise got Cas’ attention, out of every other noise he’d made, and he turned to see Dean staring at the table. Dean decided a candle looked stupid, he didn’t even know why he’d put it there so he reached forward to get rid of it when Cas spoke, “Is dinner ready?” he asked as he stood up, shutting the TV off with the remote.

Dean jumped, withdrawing his hands. “Yeah, yep,” he said and nodded, resigning himself to a dinner with a stupid Halloween candlestick and Christmas candle. He hoped it wasn’t cinnamon or some stupid thing Sam was likely to buy because that would be even worse. “All done, the pie is cooling but the burgers are good to eat.”

“I’ll just wash up,” Cas said and gestured to the bathroom before he walked to it.

“Yeah,” Dean said. “I should do that.” He turned to his left and then back to his right to the kitchen sink and ran his hands under the water, using washing up liquid to wash his hands and then he turned the kitchen light out.

When Cas came out they took their seats without hesitation, like a routine, and Cas lifted his beer to Dean who looked at the gesture for a second before he realized what it meant.

“Oh!” he said and lifted his beer too. “What are we toasting?”

Cas thought about it and then smiled. “How about another successful heat?” he asked.

Dean chuckled bashfully and looked down and then nodded. “Yeah,” he said and they knocked glasses. “To another successful heat.”

Cas nodded, letting the words in his head stay there – _and many more._

As they talked their knees touched, sometimes glancing and pulled away like it burned and others lingering like a dare. Cas’ hand stretched occasionally, as if he were going to hold Dean’s hand or arm and when sauce dripped down Cas’ cheek Dean’s finger itched as he verbally pointed it out.

At the end of the main course Cas was full and Dean felt like he could have gone to sleep but Cas didn’t want the meal to end and Dean didn’t want to sleep alone. So they both took a few minutes to drink and idle chit-chat that was sprinkled with anxiety before they opted to have some pie.

“Why cherries?” Dean asked.

“You said it was your favorite,” Cas said.

Dean nodded. “So, what do you think?” he asked.

Cas looked at him and smiled a little. “Perfect,” he said.

“I meant the pie,” Dean joked and smiled too.

Cas ate slowly since he was full and Dean didn’t complain, Dean ate two slices in the time it took Cas to almost finish one but they talked for hours. They chatted casually about a few of Dean’s past hunts – one in Chicago which saw the brothers infiltrating a church group to catch an alleged rapist who skipped bail and one in Oregon which saw the brothers chasing a prolific thief who they quickly realized did not have the mental capacity to fully understand the consequences of her actions and had not skipped bail intentionally but because it wasn’t explained properly. They touched on Cas’ past jobs and accounts – one as a waiter in Modesto and part of an accounting team for a multinational airline who almost bankrupted themselves when a lower level executive misplaced a decimal point.

As they laughed and shared stories Cas put his hand on Deans arm briefly as he spoke, Dean brushed his knee against Cas’ in a reassuring manner (more reassuring to himself) and neither of them jumped when they somehow ended up holding hands for a brief few minutes while they finished discussing the one time they both got cramp while masturbating as teenagers and it lasted a whole day but neither could find the guts to explain to anyone what was wrong – Dean in his arm, Cas in his leg.

When Cas used that hand to reach for his beer without thinking he immediately regretted it as he watched Dean withdraw his hand from the table and tuck it underneath, looking down as if embarrassed or like some thought had been vindicated, he couldn’t decide but he did see Dean trying to stifle a yawn.

“It’s getting late,” Cas said, in reference to the lack of light coming into the window and the diminishing candle on the table, and looked to his watch to find himself proved right. “It’s nearly eleven.” He pushed himself up to standing.

Dean leaned back in his chair. “Yeah,” he said and stood. “No reason to keep you here,” he said and smiled at Cas who found it somewhere between forced and uncomfortable. “Have you got everything?” he asked as Cas went to where his bag was sitting on the ground by the living room couch.

“Let me just get my shoes on,” Cas said and picked up his shoes but, instead of sitting back in his chair at the table, he sat on the end of the couch and stared ahead, at the bedroom door. He could feel that fear of walking out bubble up in him again, the fear of never seeing Dean again. “Dean, why did you wait?” He turned to look at Dean as he stood a few steps away from the front door.

Dean looked up. “Wait?” he asked, clearly a million miles away.

Cas felt like he must be waiting for Cas to leave but in actual fact Dean was wracking his brain for a reason for Cas to stay and then trying to reason in his head why he would be doing that. There was no reason for Cas to be here now that Dean was over his heat but there had been no reason for him to stay for dinner either and yet he’d done that, Dean had wanted that too.

“Why did you wait a couple of days to call me?” Cas asked.

“I told you, I wasn’t sure if you’d want to see me,” Dean answered as Cas bobbed forward in his seat, fixing his shoes.

“So, you remember that conversation?” Cas asked, looking down as he switched feet and began to tie that one.

“Yeah?” Dean said.

“Bearing that conversation in mind,” Cas said, “when your next heat comes, if you want me to help you, will you call me right away?”

“You’d still want that?” Dean asked.

Cas looked to Dean as he stood. “Yes,” he said.

“Then yeah,” Dean said in reply as Cas walked towards him.

Dean watched him and then felt his heart in his throat as Cas stopped in front of him and leaned forward. He panicked and kissed him, lifting his right hand to Cas’ face to cup it. The slight surprised noise from Cas made him open his eyes and pull back, wondering why he’d be surprised. And then he looked to his right. Cas’ left arm was outstretched for his coat on the peg.

“Dammit,” Dean said and let his head hang to his hand. “Cas, I’m sorry, I thought you were gonna kiss me and I just-”

Cas lifted Dean’s head with his right hand and kissed him, harder than Dean had kissed him. In fact it was hard enough for Dean to stumble backwards to the door and hit his back off of it but he didn’t care as he lifted his right hand up Cas’ back. They stayed there for a least half a minute before Cas pulled back.

“Don’t be sorry,” he said and kissed Dean once more. “So, you’ll call me when it starts?” he asked.

Dean nodded. “Yeah, I won’t wait,” he said as Cas lifted his coat from the peg and Dean stepped to his left to let Cas open the door, lifting his bag to his shoulder.

“Good,” Cas said. “See you in three months, Dean.” He smiled and stepped out of the door. “Goodbye, Dean.”

“Yeah,” Dean said and watched it close before he leaned against it and closed his eyes. “Bye, Cas.” He idly wondered why he felt it so hard to say to his face and thought that the man must think him strange for never actually saying goodbye to him.

Cas stopped outside the door to begin putting his coat on but then had to walk away, the smell of oil and ginger was being carried to him through the door as potent as the smell of melted cheese and cherries and he felt like it was calling him back inside. But he was to help Dean through his heats, nothing more, he’d pretty much spelled out to Dean that he meant more than that to him and yet Dean had made it pretty clear that while he cared for Cas it would never be anything more. So he’d wait three months and he’d hope that Dean wouldn’t change his mind. He thought about that possibility as he got down to the bottom of the stairs and out onto the street. He hailed a taxi and leaned to the driver to tell him his address before he got in with his bag.

He looked up to the balcony as it drove away and wondered if he’d ever see that apartment again or the man in it who had so captured his mind and body that he wasn’t sure they were his own anymore. And he wasn't sure he cared either way.

The darkness of the apartment made Dean and his dark bathrobe invisible while he stood on the balcony in the threatening wind that picked up the flap of his robe, letting it slap against itself and then his leg as it came back down. He watched Cas get into a cab and drive away, he wondered if he looked up or if he even thought about Dean as the cab did a u-turn and got smaller and smaller before it turned out of sight.

In the kitchen there were two empty plates in the sink, a dish of pie on the counter with one slice left, two empty beer bottles on the table beside two almost empty plates of pie with a fork on each one signaling that they gave up on the last bite. In the middle of that table was a red Christmas candle that might have smelled like candy canes once, when it was new a year or two ago, but now sat in a Halloween candlestick holder left over from a party so long ago that it was Sam’s apartment and not Dean’s it added nothing to the smells slowly fading from the air of the apartment. It was part of a set, the missing one of which somehow ended up falling off of the balcony with a pillow two days after the party but only the wind was privy to the event. And the garbage men who had to sweep it up in the morning.

Now the candle still burned but it’s flame had turned pathetic, as if the oxygen or very life of the room had been sucked out and there was nothing left for the fire to feast on, if there had been a chance for the flame to grow into something more magnificent than it was then it had exited prematurely possibly took with it any chance of a second wind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's more to this series so don't worry, another part has been finished and I'm working on part five!


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